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How important is sex in a marriage?

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On a scale of 1-10, ten being the highest, how important is sex in a marriage? In your opinion?

There ARE More Important Things Than Sex in Marriage

on Sep 22, 2011 

The cliched joke about marriage is that by the time a couple has been married a few years, they are never having sex. Sometimes it's true (hey, it's a cliche for a reason ...), but many other times, it isn't. But either way, the frequency of sex isn't necessarily the clincher for a good marriage.

It would be easy enough to say: If you aren't having sex X number of times per week (once? Twice?), then you have a bad marriage. But things aren't that simple. Intimacy exists without sex and sex exists without intimacy, and a couple who has oodles of sex can divorce just as likely as one who has almost none.

This isn't to say that sex doesn't matter, but it really shouldn't be the be all, end all to the relationship. Shocking as it may seem, sex will not make or break a marriage. But these things will:

  • Laughter: If you don't think your hubby is funny anymore or he doesn't ever laugh at your jokes, then you guys have a bigger problem than sex frequency.
  • Intimacy: Intimacy is about SO much more than sex. It's about holding one another and truly feeling in deep love still. It's about sharing what happens in each other's lives and genuinely being curious about one another.
  • Surprises: You can never know a person inside and out and then stop. People grow and change and continue to surprise you for their whole lives. One hopes. When your spouse stops surprising you, trouble is a brewin'. Mark my words.
  • Interest: When you ask how his day was, you mean it and vice versa. If you stop caring, then it doesn't matter how often you have sex. The marriage is in trouble. Attention must be paid.
  • Quality time: It doesn't matter how many times you have quickies and then collapse in front of the TV; if you aren't spending real time together, sex is hardly a factor. If all you do is have quickies and fight about the kids, you aren't spending quality time. You have to turn off the television and put down the books and actually speak to one another to be happy.

Sex matters, of course. And certainly having mismatched sex drives is a huge problem for any couple. But it isn't the only path to intimacy and to a strong marriage, and so many people mistake sex for intimacy. A strong marriage needs both.

by on Sep. 22, 2011 at 2:18 PM
Replies (11-14):
by on Sep. 22, 2011 at 11:03 PM
Same here..

Quoting splatz:

Sex is pretty dang important to us. We are both touchy feely people though and I feel like we *need* that time.
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by on Sep. 22, 2011 at 11:48 PM

Those are great points, in our marriage sex is a bonus, we don't NEED it to function.  We have a happy and healthy marriage thank goodness I married my best friend ;) 

by on Sep. 23, 2011 at 9:36 AM

Wow all VERY good points and all things I strongly agree with! If we don't have the other important things in a relationship, sex is just sex....and i believe for it to be important in a marriage, is must be love making

by on Sep. 23, 2011 at 9:53 AM

I think for most people it's important, but it's not for us, at least doesn't seem to be.  We're very happy and love each other very much and have been together 10 years (married), 12 years since the beginning, but don't have sex.  It was freaking me out at first, and I really wondered what the deal was, but it's just not even talked about anymore and we have a perfectly fine relationship and are very happy.

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