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My Child's Father...anyone gone through this?

Posted by on Sep. 29, 2011 at 7:59 PM
  • 12 Replies

So my exH (we divorced in 2007) called today about visitation for DD (7yo).  Back story:  We have lived in Georgia all our lives until this past Feb.  I married a Navy guy (from our hometown) in December and moved with him to San Diego in February.  DD has seen her bio-dad twice since we moved.  Once for two weeks in May and for a week and a half in June/July.  He is very immature (even though he is 31) and has 5 children by 5 different women (including me and mine).  He only claims and pays child support for 2 and the most recent baby he lives with and is married to his mother.  For two years, he has owed me hundreds of dollars in medical costs (according to our divorce papers, we split all medical costs/insurance premiums for DD) and owes $5,000 to me in back child support (I do receive current CS).  When we lived in GA, he picked up DD almost every day after school until he decided to get a gf (his wife now) and he moved to SC (three hours away from us) in October.  He was well-informed of our upcoming move cross-country and still chose to move three hours away, no job and complained when his mother wouldn't take DD to see him on his visitation (my ex-in-laws got visitation every other weekend when exH was unavailable - no problem with me b/c we get along great).  So it's been 7 months since we moved to San Diego and I can count on one hand how many times he has called DD.  She cries for him every month or so.  I make sure now that she calls him every few days to ease her mind.  His grandmother recently died and I made sure DD called him several times that week to check on him, thinking she would cheer him up.  Well, yesterday, exH's mother makes a $600 deposit in my checking account back home to go towards what he owes me for DD's medical out-of-pocket expenses.  She told me that she used the money she got from the deceased grandmother's will to pay her 31 yo son's bill.  SAD!  So now he owes me $160 reimbursement for DD's medical costs plus $5,000 back child support.  When he called today, we discussed dates on when he will get DD (her entire fall break in November and Christmas Day to New Year's).  I asked who would be coming to get DD and how would he like to work out the money split.  He said his dad would fly in to get DD and that I could fly to SC/GA to bring DD back to CA.  Our divorce papers state that if either parent moves more than 50 miles away from the county in which we married/divorced, we shall meet halfway or split travel costs.  I proposed to him the following:  How about you pay for round-trip tickets and when I receive copies of the receipts, I pay half of those expenses toward the back child support.  He didn't like my proposal.  His tone changed and he hung up the phone.  He began texting me (b/c he likes to hide behind a text message when he wants to get mean) obscene things and accusing me of keeping "his" daughter from him.  I told him he had all summer to make arrangements with me for more visitation yet he never called.  He curses at me and calls me names (something he would never do in person or even talking on the phone - unless he was about to hang up).  I never used curse words and was nice and polite the entire time.  I told him that he could leave the curse words for someone else.  I told him that I didn't understand what the problem was because I clearly said I would pay for half of all visits (he just didn't like the way I wanted to do it - he must have forgotten that I went for months without child support and now it's due!)  He kept on accusing me of keeping DD from him and saying that I said I refused to pay half...uh, I never said that.  He threatened to take me to court (ooo, I'm scaaaared!) so I took a break from texting and let him cool off.  I text later and say if it will be easier for us to meet halfway in Texas or Louisiana, that would work for us.  He agrees that would be fine and then gets mean again.  He says karma will come back to me for taking away his child.  I asked him what he would like me to do - I married a military man, I can't help that.  He had no answer.  I have been most-complient in this situation and don't understand why he is so mean to me.  His last text was saying that he is done fighting with me and for me to save my money (cursing the entire text).  Am I wrong for trying to elimate his CS bill?  Sorry it's so long...  :(

CafeMom Tickers
by on Sep. 29, 2011 at 7:59 PM
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Replies (1-10):
mrsnoble2004
by ♥Arlene♥ on Sep. 29, 2011 at 8:08 PM

Honestly  Visitation and child support are seperate issues and you run the risk of being held in contempt of court if it could be perceived that you were withholding visitation because of back support.

mrs_smiph
by on Sep. 29, 2011 at 8:17 PM

I am not withholding visitation and it couldn't be perceived that way.  

Quoting mrsnoble2004:

Honestly  Visitation and child support are seperate issues and you run the risk of being held in contempt of court if it could be perceived that you were withholding visitation because of back support.


mrsnoble2004
by ♥Arlene♥ on Sep. 29, 2011 at 8:22 PM

Make sure you document everything you can. I have a pain in the rear ex too.

Quoting mrs_smiph:

I am not withholding visitation and it couldn't be perceived that way.  

Quoting mrsnoble2004:

Honestly  Visitation and child support are seperate issues and you run the risk of being held in contempt of court if it could be perceived that you were withholding visitation because of back support.



goddess99
by Michelle on Sep. 29, 2011 at 8:45 PM

No you're not wrong, if that's what you want to do. My ex also owes about $5000. You would really only be helping him and from this post he doesn't really deserve your kindness. I would just pay to get to Texas and leave it at that. Good Luck.

Welcome to the group and congrats :)

mrs_smiph
by on Sep. 29, 2011 at 8:53 PM

Thanks!  DH just told me that he'd rather not spend Thanksgiving or Christmas holidays travelling.  He suggested that exH (or his family) do all the travelling and we pay him half of everything (whether to him or his CS bill).  I would have to agree with DH.  I doubt exH will go for that though.  He's just mean-spirited.  DH called exH a few minutes ago (he just got home from work) and left a voicemail for him to talk to me without cursing.  We're Christian and don't believe in using foul language.  Hopefully all this gets settled so that we can have a nice, stress-free holiday.

Quoting goddess99:

No you're not wrong, if that's what you want to do. My ex also owes about $5000. You would really only be helping him and from this post he doesn't really deserve your kindness. I would just pay to get to Texas and leave it at that. Good Luck.

Welcome to the group and congrats :)


goddess99
by Michelle on Sep. 29, 2011 at 9:04 PM

I hope everyone can come to an agreement. I would hate for your dd's holidays to be ruined because of a family feud.

Quoting mrs_smiph:

Thanks!  DH just told me that he'd rather not spend Thanksgiving or Christmas holidays travelling.  He suggested that exH (or his family) do all the travelling and we pay him half of everything (whether to him or his CS bill).  I would have to agree with DH.  I doubt exH will go for that though.  He's just mean-spirited.  DH called exH a few minutes ago (he just got home from work) and left a voicemail for him to talk to me without cursing.  We're Christian and don't believe in using foul language.  Hopefully all this gets settled so that we can have a nice, stress-free holiday.

Quoting goddess99:

No you're not wrong, if that's what you want to do. My ex also owes about $5000. You would really only be helping him and from this post he doesn't really deserve your kindness. I would just pay to get to Texas and leave it at that. Good Luck.

Welcome to the group and congrats :)



mrs_smiph
by on Sep. 30, 2011 at 12:13 AM

I have an entire file folder full of our crap lol.  And I've saved all text messages from/to him.  I used to work for a lawyer so I learned to save all documents just in case.

Quoting mrsnoble2004:

Make sure you document everything you can. I have a pain in the rear ex too.

Quoting mrs_smiph:

I am not withholding visitation and it couldn't be perceived that way.  

Quoting mrsnoble2004:

Honestly  Visitation and child support are seperate issues and you run the risk of being held in contempt of court if it could be perceived that you were withholding visitation because of back support.




mrs_smiph
by on Sep. 30, 2011 at 12:14 AM

She is very excited about going to visit him/them.  We will find a way to make it work.

Quoting goddess99:

I hope everyone can come to an agreement. I would hate for your dd's holidays to be ruined because of a family feud.

Quoting mrs_smiph:

Thanks!  DH just told me that he'd rather not spend Thanksgiving or Christmas holidays travelling.  He suggested that exH (or his family) do all the travelling and we pay him half of everything (whether to him or his CS bill).  I would have to agree with DH.  I doubt exH will go for that though.  He's just mean-spirited.  DH called exH a few minutes ago (he just got home from work) and left a voicemail for him to talk to me without cursing.  We're Christian and don't believe in using foul language.  Hopefully all this gets settled so that we can have a nice, stress-free holiday.

Quoting goddess99:

No you're not wrong, if that's what you want to do. My ex also owes about $5000. You would really only be helping him and from this post he doesn't really deserve your kindness. I would just pay to get to Texas and leave it at that. Good Luck.

Welcome to the group and congrats :)




LovelyLauren55
by on Sep. 30, 2011 at 8:44 AM

Wow sorry your little one is going thru that! Its hard on us, with the inconsistency of it all, but its so much harder on the kids! :( I wish they would either just dissapear or step up!

LovelyLauren55
by on Sep. 30, 2011 at 8:45 AM

Oh yes, welcome to the group! I love that you jumped right in!!! :D 

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