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i need advise ASAP :(

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well im 24 and have a daughter whos 5 .. and my bf recently joined the army and is in boot camp right now . we arent married which means im really on my own right now :( my question is does being married and not being married really effect how things will go in our relationship ? he says he wont marry me just so i can live on base with him but wants me to live across the country and wait for him with out any commitment ?? im stressing cuase i dont like being away from him and he just has me sitting here waiting :( i feel like getting married with make things easier from what i hear but im not sure ?? any advise ladys ? PLEASE !

by on Oct. 28, 2011 at 8:09 PM
Replies (61-69):
by on Oct. 30, 2011 at 9:56 PM

Quoting jltplk25:

You shouldn't get married 'just to make things easier'. Marriage should come when both parties are ready to make that commitment.

Is he not wanting to get married right now or is this a while down the road?
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by on Oct. 31, 2011 at 1:12 AM
yes sounds like a horrible excuse, halfway across the country with your child? time for a serious discussion. dont wait around if it's been that long and he still won't commit. its not just you he won't commit to but also your kid :(
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by on Oct. 31, 2011 at 1:03 PM

Getting married doesn't make things easier....Marriage is hard work!  

Plus if he is just in Boot camp, he still has to go through AIT training, before he gets to his 'permant' duty station.  Once he gets there, depending on his job, he could be gone most of the year for training, and deployed every other to a battle zone.  

I think what you are really wanting is to be near him.  A ring doesn't make that any easier.  It is nice to be near your love, but if you aren't married, and he is in the military, he will typically have to live on base, until he attains a certain rank, which could be several years, and a few duty stations later.  So I can see why he doesn't want you to move there, cause it would be out of your own pocket, and if he got tranfered to a new duty staion and you aren't married, again it would be out of your own pocket. Let me put it to you this way.  If you aren't married, the military coudl care less about you.  If he gets deployed you are on your own.  No command is going to call and check up on you, give you updates on return dates, or anything else.  Its better if you aren't married to stay close to your family, for the support that they can and will give you.  Also if you moved out to his duty station, you may have a few other girl firends, but in my experience, the young women can be so catty and vicious, they won't hesitate to stab you in the back the first chance they get.  :(  It's happened to me, and those were from other young wives!

If your commited, a piece of paper is not going to mean anything.  Yeha it will be hard, but a lot of things worth having and doing are hard.  You can't force him to get married.  I would insist that both of you be honest.

by on Oct. 31, 2011 at 2:20 PM

I would not wait on him if he doesnt make a commitment, What if a nice guy comes along  that is willing to commit to you and you cant because you are waiting for this one. I would come out and tell him no commitment no me. Life is very short. You dont say if this guy is your daughter's dad or not, But I would say if he loves you he shouldnt expect you to sit around and wait until he decides to

by New Member on Oct. 31, 2011 at 9:31 PM

Seriously - wait until after boot camp to make any decisions whether to move on, give him an ultimatum, move with him without marriage - what ever.  Who knows, he may miss you so much while he is gone that he runs back to you with a ring and a wedding date!

by on Nov. 1, 2011 at 2:35 PM
I'd wait a reasonable amount of time, it's up to you to decide what that is, a year, two years, six months? No one wants an ultimatum or to be forced to do something they're not ready to do. My hubby and I had our son first, we have been together 2 years (living together) and are finally getting married next week. However, he told me last year he wanted to marry me and would, only thing he was waiting on was buying me a ring I deserved. Has your man made any statements about a future together, marriage? If he hasn't, I wouldn't move across the country.
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by on Nov. 1, 2011 at 9:05 PM

I haven't read other posts but this is my advise. If he is the father of your baby then he should marry you to legitimize the child and give you and the baby the legal rights that a spouse and child are entitled to whether on a daily basis or in the event of an accident or death of either of you. The legal rights of a spouse are greater than that of a woman who has no legal right which accrues upon legal marriage (pension and social security, insurance coverage etc) which is created by marriage. If he is not the father of the child then the situation appears to be that he doesn't want to marry because in the words of the old timers "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free" and it would just complicate his life to make you legally his and with it all the responsibility that marriage brings with it. Sorry if this sounds harsh as you are still young in years but the fact that your bf has said he won't marry you just to live on base with him pretty much means he doesn't want to commit and be responsible towards you and your child. As for complicating the relationship well, for you it would make things better and UNcomplicate your life but for him it seems it would certainly complicate his. Marriage in and of itself doesn't make things easier because as with all aspects of relationships you still have to work at it and compromise, the only different aspect for you is that you are in a better legal position. Does he say he loves you? If you feel that he is not wanting marriage and that is definitely what you need from him then break off the relationship and don't just sit and wait unless you feel he is worth the wait.

by on Nov. 3, 2011 at 10:20 AM
Waiting because of the kind of wedding he wants is as stupid as not waiting because of living arrangements. If you're ready to love each other for the rest of your lives, get married (being in love is also nice, but is not enough in itself). If not, don't. No other factors should be considered, IMO. It's unfair for him to ask such a monumental risk from you and offer no risk himself. Consider your desire to spend your life loving such a man.
by on Nov. 3, 2011 at 7:07 PM

get married to make what easier?

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