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Advice needed

Posted by on Nov. 10, 2011 at 10:54 AM
  • 6 Replies

Hello,

I have been a stepmom for almost six years.  This is my first marriage and I am a CSM and it definitely has had ups and downs.  My DH has a SD and when we first met she was around 6 years of age.  Today she is 14 years old. 

The best thing about being a CSM is I always wanted to have a child and though I know I could never be her mom, sometimes we are friends and have good times.

The biggest challenge is there are a lot of issues.  First BM has her every other weekend.  The divorce decree states it is supposed to be every other weekend, every Wednesday and the entire summer.  This in the 5 1/2 years we have been married has never happened.  SD really seeks the BM's attention.  However, her BM does not have any maternal instincts at all.  For me, I just cannot understand that at all.  Since I wanted to have a child I cannot even understand why she does not want to spend time with her.  The usual response is BM has no money.  However BM can go out to the bar quite frequently.  In the divorce decree since she was supposed to take her as cited the child support was supposed to be a wash.  So she agreed to the terms and conditions and now she has no money or time to spend with her.  We pay for everything for his daughter.  For clothes, school, extra activities you name it we pay for it.  Once in a while to be fair her BM will buy her some clothes, makeup and hair dye.  To me other than clothes these are not the necessities to raise SD.  At 2 years of age she died the child's hair blonde and has continued to dye her hair ever since.  By the way it is not done professional but by the mom herself.  I am sorry but I just don't get that at all.  I feel at 16 it might be a good time to start.  SD started wearing make up at 6 as well.  I would pick her up at daycare and parents would just look at me like I was a bad parent and you know I get it.  I have tried talking to my DH about this.  It is not light make up either.  We are talking about red lipstick, dark blue eye shadow.  It just does not look good.  Most parents including myself see this and really have to wonder.  Along with the make up the clothes she wears are just horrible.  Shorts that are way too short, shirts that are way to low and jeans that are so tight she literaly several times has called home at school because she has ripped her pants.  We have issues at 14 years old leaving food in her room.  I will find cake batter hidden in suit cases, brownies hidden in drawers, cookie dough hidden in drawers, she even took a marker and wrote on our cherry wood cabinets at 14!  She also wrote on the tile.  Geez!  I am really to expect this of a 14 year old?  I never did things like this.  SD is up all hours of the day and night texting and facebooking. 

Before DH and I got married we discussed how we thought kids should be raised.  We were on the same page.  But honestly, she even stole from me and received no punishment.  SD stole from her grandma and no punishment.  SD finally got caught stealing at a store and then she got a punishment.  Seriously?!  I have to lock our bedroom door when she is home alone as I am sorry I don't trust her around my things.  That is just not right.

SD has been sick and guess who took her to the doctor.  Who stayed home with her.  I did this for around 5 days.  Yesterday she tells me that her heart is racing so I call DH to come home so we can rush her to urgent care and then after we are done, SD calls BM and argues with her again if she can stay there.  BM finally gives in.  SD is now humming around the house like she is 100% better.  REALLY!!!  SD does not know when to believe SD or not.  SD has been caught in so many lies and again no punishment. 

BM gives her a cell phone and for 6 months straight goes way over on the phone bill.  Who helps pay for it?  If you guessed we did and what punishment was there?  Like maybe take the phone away nope.  End result mom changes her phone plan to include unlimited texting.

I have really tried discussing this with my DH.  Sometimes we end up in fights or he just listens and says nothing and other times he tells me he is at his witts end with SD and has no idea what to do.  Doing nothing is an action too.

You know I do love both of them but how much am I supposed to endure?  When I ask my DH is this going to ever end the reply I get I don't know.  Really!? 

The problems are going to get bigger as time goes on.

Does anybody have any idea how I can handle this?  I feel so helpless and I really feel like the only option is divorce. 

Sorry, this is so long I apologize.  I have had almost 6 years of this and a lot of holding it in.  I would really like to here from others out there who may have a diferent view or way to deal with this situation.  I know counseling is a good option but my husband just does not follow through.  This is really coming between my husband and I.  Including how much respect I have him for him.

by on Nov. 10, 2011 at 10:54 AM
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Replies (1-6):
goddess99
by Michelle on Nov. 10, 2011 at 11:16 AM

BUMP

I hope you get some great advice!

Pammi86
by Pamela on Nov. 10, 2011 at 12:15 PM

BUMP!

jltplk25
by Gold Member on Nov. 10, 2011 at 4:46 PM
If your dh isn't willing to step up, there's not much you can do. What is your role as a stepmom? I mean, are you allowed to discipline at all? I would think as young as the sd was, you have a 'right' so to speak to patent the child.
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splatz
by Sarah on Nov. 11, 2011 at 12:11 PM
You need to nip these behaviors in the bud NOW, before its to late.

She needs rules, boundaries, and consistency. And it sounds like your husband and her mother don't want to be the bad guy.
Have you told your husband that this is making you consider ending things? Does he realize things will only get worse from here. She knows she can do whatever she wants and she can get away with it. At this rate you will have to deal with drinking, drugs, etc in no time.
I think you, your dh, and bm need to all sit down and get on the same page. Or at least you and your dh. You need to come up with a general idea of consequences and how you are going to follow through on them.

My ds is 5 and I have been going through hell since I left his father. Its hard when kids don't have rules and consequences. He comes home and is a completely different child. Fit throwing, screaming, crying, etc. When the person they look up to acts inappropriate its hard to break the child of acting that way.

Good luck mama!
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splatz
by Sarah on Nov. 11, 2011 at 12:12 PM
Sorry if that didn't make much sense. I have a sickly baby clinging to me.
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mrsnoble2004
by ♥Arlene♥ on Nov. 11, 2011 at 12:37 PM

I agree

Quoting splatz:

You need to nip these behaviors in the bud NOW, before its to late.

She needs rules, boundaries, and consistency. And it sounds like your husband and her mother don't want to be the bad guy.
Have you told your husband that this is making you consider ending things? Does he realize things will only get worse from here. She knows she can do whatever she wants and she can get away with it. At this rate you will have to deal with drinking, drugs, etc in no time.
I think you, your dh, and bm need to all sit down and get on the same page. Or at least you and your dh. You need to come up with a general idea of consequences and how you are going to follow through on them.

My ds is 5 and I have been going through hell since I left his father. Its hard when kids don't have rules and consequences. He comes home and is a completely different child. Fit throwing, screaming, crying, etc. When the person they look up to acts inappropriate its hard to break the child of acting that way.

Good luck mama!


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