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Talking to son about.....

Posted by on Jan. 10, 2012 at 1:14 PM
  • 8 Replies

I posted this in another forum but thought I'd post it here as well.

Back story: I had my DS when I was 19... BD and I broke up when DS was 3 months old.  BD took me to court for joint custody when DS was 10 months old. I won sole legal and physical custody and he was allowed supervised visits twice a week... he was very inconsistant with his visits... only coming about once a month, month and a half. I met and started dating my now husband when my son was about a year and a half. DS started calling DH "dad" when he was about 3 (about the same time BD completely left). He calls DH by his real name about 15% of the time and "Dad" the rest of the time. When someone asks who his dad is he always says my DH. He was 4 when we got married and is going to be 10 next month. I don't don't think he still understands the dynamic of their relationship. I've never talked to him about his BD... I'm just curious at what age I should bring it up, or wait til he has questions, but what if he never brings it up? I just don't want him to be a teenager and resent me or DH for never talking to him about this... any other mom's have any experience with this? I always promote honesty and talking things out but it seems like such a wierd thing to bring up randomly. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

by on Jan. 10, 2012 at 1:14 PM
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by on Jan. 10, 2012 at 2:07 PM
I would think letting him come to you with questions would be great. I'm not sure if dropping the news on him at such a young age would be beneficial for anyone. Good luck!
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by Michelle on Jan. 10, 2012 at 2:28 PM

He's 10 and never asks? He is old enough to understand the basics. I would ask him who his dad is and see what he says. He might surprise you. My dd is 9 and remembers things from being 3.

by on Jan. 10, 2012 at 2:31 PM

i would just let him know if he ever wants to talk about it or has any questions he can talk to you when he is ready 

by on Jan. 10, 2012 at 2:46 PM
He never asks or questions.... When anyone asks who his dad is he says DH... when he's talking about him he says dad... I have asked about what he remembers when he was smaller... Only stuff where DH and I were involved (trips,vacations,talks,etc.) We ran into BDs mom when he was 4 and he didn't remember her (she often came when BD had visitation up to a year before). I don't know I he's ready to hear this stuff :/
by on Jan. 10, 2012 at 3:02 PM
As he gets older he will start asking questions. I would allow him to come to you with them and just be open and honest! Good luck momma! : )
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by Bronze Member on Jan. 10, 2012 at 3:13 PM

 jmo ~ if he never asks, then I wouldn't bring it up.  If he does, at whatever age, then answer him truthfully and matter of factly.  Believe me, someday, sometime, this will be brought up when you least expect it. And when it does, you will be ready to give him the answers he will need.  If someone else brings it up to him before he get a chance to ask for himself, then just say to him that you two need to have a talk and that now is as a good time as any and then just jump into the conversation with the truth. Be open and honest about all of it. Let him decide where he stands. As long as you do this, he will respect you for letting him make his own mind up.  My husband was in a similar situation when he was 2.  Everyone knew what his situation was before he did and there was always comments about it, therefore he asked questions early and they always told him the truth. That being said, he always knew where he stood.   Anyway, I hope you are able to deal with your situation as smoothly as possible. Good luck. :) 

by on Jan. 10, 2012 at 3:43 PM
I'm wondering this DH isn't my son's biological father ... my ex doesn't see him...well he does but the last time we ran into him he tried talking to my DS and my DS asked me who that Guy was because he is a weirdo. That was at 4. He's now 6 and we ran across him a few times at Walmart since he works there, and he doesn't say anything to my DS. Which I prefer because he's just going to cause problems. My DS knows he has a different last name than the rest of us but hasn't asked about it yet. So Idk what to do in this position I feel you hun...
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by Sarah on Jan. 10, 2012 at 3:52 PM
Ack... I don't know. At that age I would ask what he remembers about the past. Its probably not much... But, then go from there.

My ds was abused by his father when he was 2. He's 6 now and doesn't remember it. He's just started asking this week why we aren't together. And its been 3 1/2 years since we left. He sees him every other weekend though.

So really, I'm no help.. Good luck!
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