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When is it appropriate to ask for help?

Posted by on Feb. 15, 2012 at 9:37 AM
  • 22 Replies
Hi ladies,

Here is a little background info. I am 24 and 33 weeks pregnant with my first baby and his first son. My fiance and I have been together 5 years in July, he is 20 years older than me.

I am the oldest of my mother's 5 kids and have been taking care of them since I was 8 years old. Getting beat up by abusive men and her drugs were more important than taking care of us. So I did what I had to do to make sure they were okay. I didn't get to play outside, I had to help with homework, bathe them, cook, and even a lot of times didn't eat so my siblings could put something in their stomachs.

So I am not afraid of becoming a mother because I have been taking care of kids since I was 8. With my mom not treating me right or setting the best example, I feel I can't trust anyone. So I feel like it's me and my son against the world.

I did tell my SO how I feel and he was pissed. He asked me who do I trust the most in this world and I said me without even blinking. I just honestly answered his question! He knows my childhood horror stories so I thought he would be more understanding.

I do feel like he is a good man and he will be there for our son no matter what happens but I am not counting on it. My mom had my bfigures while I was in high school so I was a teen mom without having kids myself. Looking back, I told my SO that when my brothers were waking up every two hours and when they were teething were the most difficult times for me. He is not understanding that I am asking for help without asking for it.

I have been seeing a therapist since I was 18 because I wanted to break the cycle. I was also diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety so I was taking meds until May of last year. I felt they were doing more harm than good so I stopped cold Turkey and found out I was going to be a mom a few months later.

Hearing about ppd really scares me since I already have a problem with depression.

Since I am so guarded, I don't know when or who to ask for help. Also, am I supposed to be super woman and figure it out and as a last resort ask or seek help before I pull out all my hair?

I feel that I am a strong woman because I made it through my childhood without losing my mind!

With a newborn and during teething I feel I will need help but it's hard for me to ask for it because I never had anyone to help me with anything growing up. Any suggestions?
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by on Feb. 15, 2012 at 9:37 AM
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Replies (1-10):
mom2gr8tgirls
by on Feb. 15, 2012 at 9:43 AM

I'd be reaching out now.  Don't wait for the possibility of PPD to set in.  You're obviously in need now.  No one needs to be superwoman...not with all of the resources out there.  I know where I am, after you have a baby you have to fill out a questionaire every time you go to the dr (be it for you or your baby) for a year so they can monitor for PPD.  I would ask your OB at your next appt.  My best friend had a bout with PPD after her son was born and she tried to get in to see someone in Behavioral Health and it was impossible so she just spoke to her OB and was given an anti-depressant.  Helped her immensely.  

I would say that since you're asking us if you need help, that you do need help.  Good luck with everything!

misslady80013
by on Feb. 15, 2012 at 10:06 AM
Okay, I just feel so alone and feel like all I have is myself and my son. My SO doesn't understand that it took 18 years for my mom to screw me up, so I won't be fixed overnight. The only person I do feel is on my side is him but at the same time, I don't want to fully let him in because I don't want to get hurt again. I don't want to take any meds. I can't do that anymore, it did more harm than good for me.


Quoting mom2gr8tgirls:

I'd be reaching out now.  Don't wait for the possibility of PPD to set in.  You're obviously in need now.  No one needs to be superwoman...not with all of the resources out there.  I know where I am, after you have a baby you have to fill out a questionaire every time you go to the dr (be it for you or your baby) for a year so they can monitor for PPD.  I would ask your OB at your next appt.  My best friend had a bout with PPD after her son was born and she tried to get in to see someone in Behavioral Health and it was impossible so she just spoke to her OB and was given an anti-depressant.  Helped her immensely.  

I would say that since you're asking us if you need help, that you do need help.  Good luck with everything!


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mom2gr8tgirls
by on Feb. 15, 2012 at 10:49 AM

I wouldn't rule out the meds completely.  Maybe what you were on wasn't working, but there are so many options now.  They really can help, and right after a baby is born you're emotions/hormones are in such a stage of flux, meds might by your saving grace.  

As far as your SO, I'd just sit and chat with him.  Let him know that you love him, you know he'll be there for you two, but it's just burned into your brain that you can only count on yourself for everything so it's hard to lean on someone.  Ya know?  

Quoting misslady80013:

Okay, I just feel so alone and feel like all I have is myself and my son. My SO doesn't understand that it took 18 years for my mom to screw me up, so I won't be fixed overnight. The only person I do feel is on my side is him but at the same time, I don't want to fully let him in because I don't want to get hurt again. I don't want to take any meds. I can't do that anymore, it did more harm than good for me.


Quoting mom2gr8tgirls:

I'd be reaching out now.  Don't wait for the possibility of PPD to set in.  You're obviously in need now.  No one needs to be superwoman...not with all of the resources out there.  I know where I am, after you have a baby you have to fill out a questionaire every time you go to the dr (be it for you or your baby) for a year so they can monitor for PPD.  I would ask your OB at your next appt.  My best friend had a bout with PPD after her son was born and she tried to get in to see someone in Behavioral Health and it was impossible so she just spoke to her OB and was given an anti-depressant.  Helped her immensely.  

I would say that since you're asking us if you need help, that you do need help.  Good luck with everything!



misslady80013
by on Feb. 15, 2012 at 11:01 AM
I tdied this morning and he is being a jerk lately. He wasn't always like this and I don't know what changed. He says he wants me to tell him whenever something is bothering me so we can fix it instead of bottle everything and wait until it explodes. When I do this, he brings up old stuff to throw in my face or what I am not doing right. It pisses me off because I ask him at least once a week if there is something he needs from me and he says no everytime. We are going to couples therapy but it seems like we take one step forward and three steps back. So when he does that, it makes me guard myself even more and further proves, all I have is me and my son.


Quoting mom2gr8tgirls:

I wouldn't rule out the meds completely.  Maybe what you were on wasn't working, but there are so many options now.  They really can help, and right after a baby is born you're emotions/hormones are in such a stage of flux, meds might by your saving grace.  

As far as your SO, I'd just sit and chat with him.  Let him know that you love him, you know he'll be there for you two, but it's just burned into your brain that you can only count on yourself for everything so it's hard to lean on someone.  Ya know?  

Quoting misslady80013:

Okay, I just feel so alone and feel like all I have is myself and my son. My SO doesn't understand that it took 18 years for my mom to screw me up, so I won't be fixed overnight. The only person I do feel is on my side is him but at the same time, I don't want to fully let him in because I don't want to get hurt again. I don't want to take any meds. I can't do that anymore, it did more harm than good for me.





Quoting mom2gr8tgirls:

I'd be reaching out now.  Don't wait for the possibility of PPD to set in.  You're obviously in need now.  No one needs to be superwoman...not with all of the resources out there.  I know where I am, after you have a baby you have to fill out a questionaire every time you go to the dr (be it for you or your baby) for a year so they can monitor for PPD.  I would ask your OB at your next appt.  My best friend had a bout with PPD after her son was born and she tried to get in to see someone in Behavioral Health and it was impossible so she just spoke to her OB and was given an anti-depressant.  Helped her immensely.  

I would say that since you're asking us if you need help, that you do need help.  Good luck with everything!





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mom2gr8tgirls
by on Feb. 15, 2012 at 11:04 AM

I'd let him read this.  You seem to be articulating your thoughts/feelings pretty well here.  Maybe just show him this.  

Explain to him that you're guarded, it's not going to change overnight.  BUT, when you do as he asks about your feelings, you feel like he attacks you...which in turn makes you feel even more guarded.  Good for you though for going to counseling.  That's a big step that most won't take.  

Quoting misslady80013:

I tdied this morning and he is being a jerk lately. He wasn't always like this and I don't know what changed. He says he wants me to tell him whenever something is bothering me so we can fix it instead of bottle everything and wait until it explodes. When I do this, he brings up old stuff to throw in my face or what I am not doing right. It pisses me off because I ask him at least once a week if there is something he needs from me and he says no everytime. We are going to couples therapy but it seems like we take one step forward and three steps back. So when he does that, it makes me guard myself even more and further proves, all I have is me and my son.


Quoting mom2gr8tgirls:

I wouldn't rule out the meds completely.  Maybe what you were on wasn't working, but there are so many options now.  They really can help, and right after a baby is born you're emotions/hormones are in such a stage of flux, meds might by your saving grace.  

As far as your SO, I'd just sit and chat with him.  Let him know that you love him, you know he'll be there for you two, but it's just burned into your brain that you can only count on yourself for everything so it's hard to lean on someone.  Ya know?  

Quoting misslady80013:

Okay, I just feel so alone and feel like all I have is myself and my son. My SO doesn't understand that it took 18 years for my mom to screw me up, so I won't be fixed overnight. The only person I do feel is on my side is him but at the same time, I don't want to fully let him in because I don't want to get hurt again. I don't want to take any meds. I can't do that anymore, it did more harm than good for me.





Quoting mom2gr8tgirls:

I'd be reaching out now.  Don't wait for the possibility of PPD to set in.  You're obviously in need now.  No one needs to be superwoman...not with all of the resources out there.  I know where I am, after you have a baby you have to fill out a questionaire every time you go to the dr (be it for you or your baby) for a year so they can monitor for PPD.  I would ask your OB at your next appt.  My best friend had a bout with PPD after her son was born and she tried to get in to see someone in Behavioral Health and it was impossible so she just spoke to her OB and was given an anti-depressant.  Helped her immensely.  

I would say that since you're asking us if you need help, that you do need help.  Good luck with everything!






delanna6two
by Platinum Member on Feb. 15, 2012 at 11:36 AM
1 mom liked this

Hugs...hope everything works out...

splatz
by Sarah on Feb. 15, 2012 at 12:11 PM
2 moms liked this

Now is the perfect time to reach out for help!

I was really down & felt very alone with my last pregnancy for the majority of the time. And sure enough I ended up with PPD. I wish that I had reached out to someone before my daughter was close to 3 months old. 

Talk to your dr about how you are feeling. If you have close friends or family memebers who can be a support system, reach out to them. 

Its extremely hard to have to depend on others after not ever being able to depend on anyone. I had a really horrible past & have a hard time asking for help too. I rather just suck it all up & do it on my own. But, its nice to know that I have people around to help so that when I can't do it all alone anymore they will be there.

Wishing you the best of luck on your journey with your little man. If you ever need an ear or advice we have an amazing group of ladies here. And you can always PM me. 

hugs

Livethrewmykids
by on Feb. 15, 2012 at 12:37 PM
1 mom liked this

My heart brakes I have such a similar story I would love to message you if that is ok I think I might be able to help. :( Your a survivor and Don't doubt you have the strength to to a good mother. I really have so much more Just know your story is the norm but most don't have the guts to speak out before it is to late. :( you could be the best in the world to your kids till you let ppd kick in so many scary stories but that is what they are all people are different. and grrr I hate man made drugs I would look into teas or natural stuff :) I can't take many my body is broken :( and most of them make me hurt more then they do good.

misslady80013
by on Feb. 15, 2012 at 12:45 PM
Thanks, I called my Grandpa in tears, he told me to write a letter. So I will give him that and let him read this.


Quoting mom2gr8tgirls:

I'd let him read this.  You seem to be articulating your thoughts/feelings pretty well here.  Maybe just show him this.  

Explain to him that you're guarded, it's not going to change overnight.  BUT, when you do as he asks about your feelings, you feel like he attacks you...which in turn makes you feel even more guarded.  Good for you though for going to counseling.  That's a big step that most won't take.  

Quoting misslady80013:

I tdied this morning and he is being a jerk lately. He wasn't always like this and I don't know what changed. He says he wants me to tell him whenever something is bothering me so we can fix it instead of bottle everything and wait until it explodes. When I do this, he brings up old stuff to throw in my face or what I am not doing right. It pisses me off because I ask him at least once a week if there is something he needs from me and he says no everytime. We are going to couples therapy but it seems like we take one step forward and three steps back. So when he does that, it makes me guard myself even more and further proves, all I have is me and my son.





Quoting mom2gr8tgirls:

I wouldn't rule out the meds completely.  Maybe what you were on wasn't working, but there are so many options now.  They really can help, and right after a baby is born you're emotions/hormones are in such a stage of flux, meds might by your saving grace.  

As far as your SO, I'd just sit and chat with him.  Let him know that you love him, you know he'll be there for you two, but it's just burned into your brain that you can only count on yourself for everything so it's hard to lean on someone.  Ya know?  

Quoting misslady80013:

Okay, I just feel so alone and feel like all I have is myself and my son. My SO doesn't understand that it took 18 years for my mom to screw me up, so I won't be fixed overnight. The only person I do feel is on my side is him but at the same time, I don't want to fully let him in because I don't want to get hurt again. I don't want to take any meds. I can't do that anymore, it did more harm than good for me.








Quoting mom2gr8tgirls:

I'd be reaching out now.  Don't wait for the possibility of PPD to set in.  You're obviously in need now.  No one needs to be superwoman...not with all of the resources out there.  I know where I am, after you have a baby you have to fill out a questionaire every time you go to the dr (be it for you or your baby) for a year so they can monitor for PPD.  I would ask your OB at your next appt.  My best friend had a bout with PPD after her son was born and she tried to get in to see someone in Behavioral Health and it was impossible so she just spoke to her OB and was given an anti-depressant.  Helped her immensely.  

I would say that since you're asking us if you need help, that you do need help.  Good luck with everything!









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misslady80013
by on Feb. 15, 2012 at 12:55 PM
Thank you. The thing is, I am afraid to be vulnerable because I get hurt every time. My childhood was terrible and I experienced and saw things a child never should. So with my mom not protecting me and abusing me herself, I feel a stranger could do worse. I mean, who locks themselves in a bathroom so their daughter can get raped?! My family isn't close and I don't have any close friends to confide in. I don't want my weaknesses thrown in my face later, so I have no one.


Quoting splatz:

Now is the perfect time to reach out for help!

I was really down & felt very alone with my last pregnancy for the majority of the time. And sure enough I ended up with PPD. I wish that I had reached out to someone before my daughter was close to 3 months old. 

Talk to your dr about how you are feeling. If you have close friends or family memebers who can be a support system, reach out to them. 

Its extremely hard to have to depend on others after not ever being able to depend on anyone. I had a really horrible past & have a hard time asking for help too. I rather just suck it all up & do it on my own. But, its nice to know that I have people around to help so that when I can't do it all alone anymore they will be there.

Wishing you the best of luck on your journey with your little man. If you ever need an ear or advice we have an amazing group of ladies here. And you can always PM me. 

hugs


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