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Should I or shouldnt I say anything???

Posted by on Mar. 27, 2012 at 10:23 PM
  • 16 Replies

OK,,, my kids and I moved in with my boyfriend about 5 months ago ,maybe more,,,,,and every so offend i find things that were of his kids mom(which has passed away and they werent together wen she passed),,,,he moved in the house where she lived with their kids because they agreed that would be the best thing for the kids at the time,I can see how that was a good idea.So has we are cleaning up i find and rearrange some of her things,I ask him is he going to get rid of the thing and I can get it that he is trying to save some of the things for the kids but i am getting the feeling that its not only for the kids but he has some attachment with thethings,,,one day I picked up something that had belonged to her and gave it to him and he just like melted he held it in his hands and said something about her I really didnt hear wat he had said but I know what it was about her because of his eyes.I dont want to cause a problem about the items but if u and her werent together at her passing then why is it so hard for him to get rid of the things,,,,,,my question is should I say anything and have this same conversation for the second or third time and just let it  go,IM NOT SURE  but it is really getting to me,,,,and no not at all I am not the jealous type I think its more that I cant do cluter and its just in the way.advise please!!!!

by on Mar. 27, 2012 at 10:23 PM
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Replies (1-10):
hanniwrencher
by on Mar. 27, 2012 at 10:40 PM

in my honest opinion... they were not together at the time she passed, but, they have kids together? i'm sure there are still some residual feelings for her.

i am married to my 2nd husband, we have 2 dds together, my 1st husband died after 6 years of marriage, at the age of 26. i still have things from my 1st husband. that i can't bring myself to get rid of. (me and my 1st husband didn't have kids together) but, it holds a memory of him, i don't have many things left of him, mostly a few pics and such... but, i still can't get rid of them. thankfully my current hubby is understanding. and some day i will explain to my dds why they have soooooooo many 'extra' cousins, and aunts, and uncles... 


again, just my opinion...

BeccaGK
by on Mar. 28, 2012 at 2:21 AM

I haven't had any of my exs pass and I am still with my kid's dad, but I do have things that were given to me by my exs and my husband has things that are from his exs. I think that if you spend time with people and they are part of your life, you are going to have some feelings still whether you are together or not.

If something were to happen to my husband (pray to God that never happens) and if I were to meet someone else, I would think that I would definetely have some of his stuff around for my kids. No matter what happens, he is their Dad and I would never take away the memories from them.

katieabril
by on Mar. 28, 2012 at 2:26 AM
2 moms liked this
Dont worry about it too much it will take some time.
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Its.me.Sam.
by on Mar. 28, 2012 at 2:27 AM

she is the mother of kids and a love in his life.  he will always be affected by her loss... on his own and through their shared kids.
just remember that he will want to hold on to her because of those kids and because she is no longer alive.
maybe let him be open with you about her..ask him about her..share memories of them and the children.  maybe him tyring to keep it all away from you is hard on him. 

strungoutmom
by on Mar. 28, 2012 at 10:43 AM

 Is it really the stuff per say that is bothering you or is it something totally different but u are just taking it out on the stuff?

How about instead of thinking it as clutter and maybe try and arrange the things that he has for him or the kids in with the things  you do have?  This way you do not feel its all over the house cluttering as you say and bring it in as part of the household decor or if they are knick knacks then as that.  I am worried that if you are going around now and then with a sense of I do not want this stuff in my house that the kids are not taking that as a rejection of their mom.  I am not sure how long ago she has passed but it takes time to get over someone regardless of who they are. Some get over threw things faster than others.  Get the kids involved on where some of the things should go, maybe put some in their room to have, up on shelvs if you have too so they do not break the item(s). These are just thoughts to help you feel better about having the things there u feel are in the way and it will help the kids to know that you respect their mom's things so you must care for them as well. Hope this mumble makes sense?

 My husband came into our marriage with some of his ex girls things and that was fine with me.  They were just objects, did not change how he felt about me. I  knew in time he will choose to get rid of the items or not. So What I did was just included the things in with the way we decorated the house. He really appreciated that, he got the feeling that I cared enough about him to include things that normally would not be there.  And respected the person as a Person. And he did the same with me, but mine was more music wise. And happened he liked the songs. Basically we respected each others feelings and tried to make it work where everyone was happy.

hugs

goddess99
by Michelle on Mar. 28, 2012 at 11:22 AM

I would just give him some time and if he decides he doesn't want to part with any of it then you'll have to talk about a compromise.

hopealways4019
by Bronze Member on Mar. 28, 2012 at 2:49 PM
How can you be jealous of a deceased woman? They did share two children, of course he still got love in his, heart for her always. Let him hold on too the memories he have left of her, its not like he gonna leave you for her.
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jj4ij
by on Mar. 28, 2012 at 4:38 PM

 

I don't think it has anything to do with the fact of weather they were living together or not when she died,  she is the mother of his children, and she is gone forever.  He may be in love with you, but still love her.  She gave him his children, and unless something tragic happened between them, he would be horrible to not have some emotional feelings when her stuff comes up. 

I understand the pain it must put in your heart, but LET IT GO.......  do not push the issue on him.  Maybe ask him one time about the item.  It is very possible to be in love with someone, but still love the person who gave you your children.   Maybe if you showed an interest instead of jealousy, which is exactly what he is going to see it as if you bring it up, and it wil piss him off........  you should find out more about her.  If you are with him now and she is gone forever, you need to help him keep her memory alive in their children. 

You sound horrible, although I do get why it would hurt........  but watch out how you approach it.... careful.

Good luck Mama......

 

 

backroadsmom
by on Mar. 28, 2012 at 4:44 PM


Quoting katieabril:

Dont worry about it too much it will take some time.

Death is a sobering experience. He is probably sad for his children's sake, more than anything. They've lost their mother which is a BIG deal. Time is the answer. Leave the things alone for awhile and be patient.

19nene80
by on Mar. 28, 2012 at 4:48 PM

we have talked about doing something with the things as far as boxing them up or just managing them,i am not the jealous type at   all but,,and i know that it will take time for him and them to get over the fact that she is gone but when it be tme to move on and again i dont and neither do alot of people know when that time is,i am not at all trying to get them to get rid of anyything or not to remember her at all,i am a very caring and supportive person and not at all do i want tto come off as though im not being conciderated,,,,,thanks ladies for your comments it gives me alot to think about!!!

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