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My eight year old hates me

Posted by on Jun. 19, 2012 at 10:46 PM
  • 17 Replies
She just gets a attitude with me because I hold her responsible and make her do things. Lately I get the smart mouth eye rolling and the I just don't care. She even stayed home with her father when me and her sisters went out of town last week at first she missed me but then even over the phone she smarted off and I had to get on to her. I work long hours and when I get home the last thing I want to do is get on to my girls but I have to keep things in line and they are old enough to have chores etc... I just want to cry I had a really bad day today and coming home was my break but instead I come home to her attitude and she could careless she has upset me. I just don't know what to do should she already be Acting like this?
by on Jun. 19, 2012 at 10:46 PM
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by on Jun. 19, 2012 at 11:48 PM
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 my 3 year old tells me he hates me for making him clean his room etc and its like i want to cry because it hurts my feelings when he says that and gives me attitude but at the same time i know i have to just deal with it and stay firm even on hard days, what i hate is when he says you dont like me or be nice to me when i ask him to do something and im like no i dont i love you but you have to help me and be a big boy. i know i acted horrible to my mom growing up but now we are the best of friends...good luck mama! i hope tomorrow is better.

by on Jun. 19, 2012 at 11:50 PM
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Sorry girl:( Sounds like she is going through a phase...maybe sit down and have a heart to heart with her?
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by on Jun. 20, 2012 at 12:12 AM
I'm sure it's just a phase!
by on Jun. 20, 2012 at 12:16 AM
I did Before our trip because she was giving the attitude to my mother. It was her birthday as well so I made a point to spend one on one with and same for even when we where out of town i would call her or vs she call me and text her little messages so she knows I was thinking of her. I just misss my little girl she is already in a little tank bra and has hips having to wear arm deodorant so I know she will hit puberty soon as I did. I just really hope she knows I am doing what is best for her and love her so much. It just breaks my heart to have her be a brat.

The first I hate you is hard I cried (not in front of my girls) the first few times but now I just say well i love you and they get more frustrated with me lol

by on Jun. 20, 2012 at 1:15 AM
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If I were you, I'd spend less time "getting on her" and more time showing her validation, empathy, and compassion.  Is it more important to have a secure attachment with your child or keep things "in line"?  Giving her the above mentioned things will help her develop an intrinsic motivation to do the right thing vs only keeping in line b/c she's told what to do all the time. 

by on Jun. 20, 2012 at 8:10 AM
Totally normal for her age. My 9 y/o gives me the same crap. But my children get in serious trouble for playing the "I hate you" card. My oldest said it once, and I sat down with her and explained that hate is a very strong word and if she's trying to hurt me with the words, it won't work. I know she doesn't hate me, she knows it too, so she gets grounded if I hear that statement. It might as well be a swear word around here. She said it once. My 4 y/o has never said it. My best advice is sit down with her and explain why you do what you do and how her words can hurt. And then after that, kill her with kindness. If she gives you attitude, give her a hug and tell her you love her. And ask her why she is acting like that. Make her explain her actions. Good luck!
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by on Jun. 20, 2012 at 8:16 AM
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It could be a lot of things....she could be copying behaviors (eye rolling, smart mouthing, etc) that she sees older kids doing. She could be dealing with something that she feels too vulnerable to talk to you about, and this is her defense mechanism. Or she could just be plain annoyed that you hold her responsible and make her do chores, etc. (Good for you on this, by the way.)

Whatever it is, I think you can be firm but compassionate at the same time. Let her know that you love her and she can talk to you about whatever is bothering her without worrying that her feelings will get her in trouble. She needs to know that you will always be there for her. See if you can get to the bottom of what's bothering her so much, especially if this is a new behavior.

However, you should also let her know that disrespectful talk (and I would definitely put "I hate you" in this category) is not okay. Attitude, etc. is not okay.

When I was growing up, the rule was always, "Any feeling is allowed; any action is not." What that means is, we never got in trouble for how we were feeling. If something made us angry or frustrated, we felt that a rule was unfair, etc. we were allowed and even encouraged to talk about it honestly with our parents. However, we were required to do so in a civilized, respectful manner--no yelling, no tantrums, no saying "I hate you", etc. The expectation was that love and respect would go both ways.

by Platinum Member on Jun. 20, 2012 at 9:15 AM

I get this from my 10yo and's challenging....hang in there....I do conference/talks with mine also.

by Michelle on Jun. 20, 2012 at 9:35 AM

My dd is 9. We are just getting over going through that. It will pass.

by on Jun. 20, 2012 at 9:50 AM

This is pretty normal, as much as it SUCKS.  Look at it this way, you're doing the right thing!  Its so much easier to just give in or not pay attention to them when they're disrespectful, but then you wind up with a spoiled, entitled, rude, lazy kid.  Stay the course, try not to take it personally (easier said than done, I know) but let her know YOU are the parent and she WILL be respectful or there will be consequences.  Hugs, Mama. 

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