I'm 27, and a stay at home mom to 3 kids ages 5, 2, and 8 weeks. I've always had a problem with depression/anxiety...but lately it has been so bad. I've always worked since I was 16 and have been financially independent. In Feb 2010, just 4 months after I gave birth to my middle child, I was laid off. I have since then been doing the stay at home mom thing. My husband works within the federal government, and is usually somewhere in the country or overseas. I feel so alone and under appreciated that it's making my life miserable. I know I am blessed to have 3 healthy children, but I feel like a prisoner in my own home. I feel like I have given up my life and made sacrifices, when my husband can do what he wants without having to "check" if he has someone to watch the kids. I have been looking for jobs online, but realistically there is no way I can go to work with 3 little ones as I don't have anyone to help watch them and we can't afford daycare/school for the kids.
The reason why I am writing this is because I am seeking help or maybe some adivce from someone who knows what I am going though. I try to talk to my mom, and she says things like "Oh we all did it back then...you can do it"...but I feel like it's more than that. I constantly yell, curse, get frustrated with the kids. I hate my life. I hate waking up and it being the same crap everyday. I don't even leave my house. I hate fighting with little kids all day long. They scream, fight, destroy things...even if I enforce disicpline...they just terrorize the house. When my husband comes home from work of course he is tired, or is involved with his school work..(he is completeing his masters degree). By the time we are done with dinner (which is a nightmare with the kids fighting and reusing to eat in peace) and the kids go to bed, he and I are on the couch watching one of our recorded shows and usually he falls asleep within 5 minutes. We go to bed, wake up, repeat same thing from the previous day. There is practically no intimacy whatsoever. I actually cringe thinking about it. I haven't felt "in love" in a long time. I feel like his roommate. There is hardly anything to ever talk about between us. Me and the kids have always taken a backseat to his career and I don't know how to deal with that. I've brought this to his attention, but it doesn't change.
Overall I feel like a waste. I used to have so many friends and a pretty good social life. Now, it's just me and the kids alone for the majority of the day/week. It's amazing who comes around after you have kids. I wish I had an adult to interract with.....
Everything bothers me. The kids irritate me, I feel like I hate my husband. I want to pursue my career so bad but my needs have to take a backseat to my husbands. I am the "wife" which means "slave" to me. There's only so much laundry or dirty diapers or screaming tantrums that you can take before you lose it. I think I have already lost it. I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up. Like I said before, I don't even leave the house. It's impossible to go anywhere with 3 little ones when you are by yourself. Especially when the 2 older ones fight or don't want to sit still or run off in public. It's frustrating, so I avoid it.
I hope I don't sound like a whiny brat but I really feel helpless. I'll admit being a stay at home mom in the beginning was nice because I only had my 2 oldest, and it was sort of a "mini-vacation" from work. Now reality set in and the stress has just gone through the roof. I hope someone can reach out to me because I don't know what else to do. I feel like a horrible mother because I know my kids can sense I am mean and impatient and irritable. They deserve a good mom...someone who is gentle and kind. I'm just not that scrapbook making, picture taking, crafty mom. I don't think I was made for this!!