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I am fed up and don't know what to do!!!! -Warning! Venting alot.

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Ok! I have tried and tried and tried. My dh works long hours. I mean sometimes more than 16 in a day. I have understood. I have understood it when he got depressed about it. I have understood and tried to help and encourage in every way. But, I have raised 3 kids and help with a grandson the first year and a half. One kid is left. The others and the gs are now gone. My youngest dd has issues that have to be addressed at all times. She is a cutter (she cuts herself in crisis and trauma) and we are getting her help with that. (She hasn't cut in over a month). She is also a model. Bragging here a little, she just got signed by an agent and should be working on a regular basis modeling for companies like Rue 21, JC Penney etc. Now, that the bragging is over, I will stop chasing that rabbit.

I work a part time job. It is a job that I love and have done it for years. I work whenever I am needed and that gives me enough money for the extras like Christmas, b'days and such. Some of those days, I will work 12+ hours. The job has gotten more regular since football season has opened (I work as an event staff member). My boss has also signed a deal with a company to work taking money for a parking lot. I take up money to let people park in the evenings every Thurs., Fri, and Sat. My son and I work together on this. I am also a regular event staff member for Presbyterian College football, Clemson U and the local auditorium. In 20 years, that man has yet to clean one bathroom. I have asked for a day off once a month and I can't even get that. I clean the house, take care of the pets, and all of the usual house wife duties. It used to be, that he would at least load the dishwasher, cut the grass and take off the garbage. Now, he lets the dishes pile up while I am gone. My dd cleans up the bathrooms and vacuums, takes care of the pets when I am not around. She's a huge help. But, I have been cutting the grass, cleaning the majority and everything else. I feel like I have to lead him in all costs even spiritually. I am very religious and my faith is important to me. But, if I don't go to church, he often won't. That has changed a little since he started playing the bass on the praise team. He has a job there and that keeps him going. I know that he's tired. But, this week, he has gotten home early every day. I came home last night and while my dd was spending the night over at a friends, and I worked in a parking lot at PC and then working for another 6 hours at the parking lot downtown, and the garbage can was overflowing, dishes were piled up,  the bathroom sink was nasty after he had shaved (gross) and a stain was on the carpet. He accidentally kicked his glass of tea over and didn't bother cleaning it up! I am so upset! I am tired. Even as I write this, I am supposed to be getting ready for church and I haven't even showered. I have nursery by myself this morning and I have to serve with another woman for a special lunch at church.  I am so tired. It's been a very long week and next week is filled with appointments for my dd including driving her to Charlotte NC which is an hour and a half away.

I am sorry to complain. You ladies are so sweet to listen to me. I should be encouraging all of you, but today, I am just drained.

Thanks for listening this exhausted mom's complaints and rants!

UPDATE: I began having a slight panic attack and trying to keep it quiet. He heard me. It finally hit him that maybe, he needed to do something. As soon as I saw his face, I prayed to God that I would not go off on him. But, he asked: "what can I do?" I told him that I would just like it if he would load or unload the dw and pick up after himself. The grass is high and my time getting to it is often times as scarce as his. He wants to help. He hated seeing me upset. He also knows that stress is a big factor in my health and wants to help and we help each other. I don't know how long this will last... but for now, I am BASKING in it!

by on Sep. 23, 2012 at 7:55 AM
Replies (11-20):
by on Sep. 23, 2012 at 8:15 PM

You aren't the first person to tell me that. But, what exactly do I let go of? My dd and her goals and dreams? Isn't the responsibity of parents to help our children reach the stars that they are reaching for while keeping them grounded? Let go of the house? I hate the mess and my dd and I are the only ones cleaning it. Let go of my job? My job is the one thing I look forward to somedays. I can't not take my dd to her therapist or her orthodontist or school or her agent.(well, I could let the agent go, but, my dh will not do it and that is her dream). I don't know what to let go of. I can't let go of my church. I love them all too much and my minister's wife is the most awesome woman that I have ever met!

So help me understand what to let go of. I am not trying to argue. Believe me. That's the last thing I am doing. I am desperate for answers and if you have ideas, I want them ALL.

Quoting Janet:

I feel your pain as I read this, my heart went out to you.  I don't think you are going to get him to do anything though. My DH is the same way. He will only cut the grass and that is it. I do think you have taken on to much though. I think it is getting to you. You said it was just for extra money. Why don't you think about letting something go.

by on Sep. 23, 2012 at 8:43 PM

Sounds like you are under some stress yourself.  When we went thru a time when hubby and son wouldn't/couldn't mow the grass, I hired someone for that summer.  The next summer son was more willing to pitch in. So maybe find some help from outside the home. If you value your time away from home, and need the help...put your money towards that.  You could also hire someone to come in for four hours a week and do some of the housework, then maybe you can give more time to yourself outside the home.  Just a thought.

by on Sep. 23, 2012 at 8:49 PM

We are always here to listen! : )

by on Sep. 23, 2012 at 11:14 PM
Okay, I understand now. I was just going by the way it was worded. lol, I'm sorry.

Is there any way you could get a housekeeper for one day out of every week? Or maybe one day every couple weeks? It'll take some pressure off of you at least. Or just be stern with your husband about needing his help. just make him clean up after himself. I hate those little hairs! I make him clean his. I don't leave little hairs laying around and I don't expect to have to clean his. I DO, however, do everything else. BUT I am a sahm, so I don't mind. YOU have a lot on your plate and you need a few days to just be YOU. Good luck, mama.

Quoting blondie805:

You are right. I do have a lot on me. But, the faith part, I don't expect him to believe the same thing. That he did by choice. I never forced that. I WOULD never force that. Going to church has nothing to do with everything that we believe in. It has to do with the old adage "put your money where your mouth is " or "Walk the walk." I feel like he looks to me to be his minister and if I am not there, then, the minister isn't there. If I read my Bible, then, he looks at me then I will catch him picking his up later. I feel good about that and a little worried. I don't dare want to lead him in the wrong direction. My preacher does the real spiritual leading. I just follow my faith and don't ask him. He does that. I want him to be the leader and decide for himself. I feel too much pressure in that department.

Thanks for listening.

Quoting CamMa:

I'm not sure what to tell you about the cleaning. Mine doesn't do much around the house, which I'm fine with. But he takes care of the yard and stuff.

Do you really expect him to believe in what you believe in? Enough that you're stressing about him going to church even when you don't? If he doesn't want to go, don't stress about him going. There's one less thing for you to stress about.

It sounds like you've got a huge help from your daughter. Maybe it keeps her mind off of things? I know when I'm cleaning, I'm not thinking about much else other than what I'm doing at the moment.

It really sounds like you just take on too much and you're stretching yourself too thin for all of this stuff that you've got going on. I hope you get it figured out soon. Gl!

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by Bronze Member on Sep. 24, 2012 at 8:25 AM
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The only thing I could suggest is to have a sit down with him where you talk about everything that you have to say first and then he can tell you what he heard in his own words. Then he can ask questions or say something.

Good luck with this. I'm dealing with something similar and haven't gotten anywhere. Hopefully you fair better than I am.

by on Sep. 24, 2012 at 9:09 AM

Really the post just didn't make alot of sense. But that is what happens when we are so upset. 

By simply what you are posting, your husband is BEYOND depressed & has been for years. He really really needs some help. Things aren't going to change til either, he can get another job, get something that HE can enjoy ( you talk about I am not giving up what I enjoy but your husband doesn't have that, and don't say he has us, becuase you just said you enjoy your job & shouldn't give that up & just be hubby & the kids ). I know when hubby was 3rd shift & going to school, which was 13 hours a day, he was so depressed. It was a nightmare. He wouldn't leave the house, he thought watching a tv program was spending time with me ( he really thought it was, not being snotty or a jerk ), he didn't want to go places, he didn't have the money to do anything & his " we don't have the money" was a hit to himself becuase he felt he wasn't doing good enough, etc.  He was so down & depressed. It was a very bad time. But, we had a change coming of school being over. THen, 3rd shift still didn't really help, because that just beats you into the ground, plus the job he hated it. 

I really don't know what the answer is, but talk & talk & talk. I know you love your job, but can you NOT work 12 hours? Can you make hubby a list? My husband actually wanted a list. Leave me a list, I can't remember things. So say, can you take out the garbage this day/to the curb this day, run vacuum this day, throw in laundry & change to dryer, then in hour, do that again & do the dishes. Etc. Might sound like a kid, but if he is depressed, his memory is also shot. 

When he says, its cold, say, I know, But, I really want you go to. If he "whines" or is grumpy, deal. And I bet after a few minutes, it will get better. It sucks, but if he really is depressed, which honestly it sounds like he really is, and it has been long term, it is weighing on him bad & being a "man", there are certain things he can & can't do to change. Yes in this day & age it shouldn't be, but that is all bologna to most guys. 

Hope it works out & you can get some change, it might take time. 

by on Sep. 24, 2012 at 9:18 AM
How are you doing today? You have a lot going on. I think most moms do. You just have to ask him to help when he is not overwhelmed. Whatever you do be nice about it. I also think you have a good job. I like it. Take care of your daughter. She needs you right now.
by Member on Sep. 24, 2012 at 10:36 AM
Is it possible for you to take time off work and take a vacation w/o dh knowing? Take your daughter and find a spa where you can both relax. Leave him to fend for himself
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by on Sep. 24, 2012 at 10:40 AM
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DH loaded the dw when I went to take a shower!!! The dining room table was cleaned off and the dogs were taken outside! He even wiped out the bathroom sink!

Quoting chloedoll:

How are you doing today? You have a lot going on. I think most moms do. You just have to ask him to help when he is not overwhelmed. Whatever you do be nice about it. I also think you have a good job. I like it. Take care of your daughter. She needs you right now.

by on Sep. 24, 2012 at 1:19 PM

That sure is a lot ot handle by yourself.  But in your update you said that you are basking.  I am hoping that you and your husband can continue to talk.  Your dh working that many hours and you shouldering everything else really can take a toll on you after awhile.  I am just the mother of 1 teenage daughter at the moment and my husband can work almost that many hours in a shift and I can feel overwhelmed.  HUGS to you for talking to your husband.  :)  

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