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My dd is 16 months old and driving me crazy! I know she gets what no means but she does not care! I have tried everything and now find myself yelling a lot which does not help! She just ignores me! When I try to move her out of the situation she hits or bites and time outs mean nothing to her. I feel like I am at the end of my rope! I need advice ladies! I do not want to be that parent thats screaming all the time! : (

by on Oct. 2, 2012 at 2:10 PM
Replies (41-50):
CLG122
by on Oct. 3, 2012 at 7:48 PM
2 moms liked this

That's fear, not respect.  And just because it's not abuse doesn't make it effective or right.

Quoting KaliyahImani:

Yes it is not child abuse to spank your child with a open hand they actullay tell you its okay although some states are different but that seems to be the only thing that help my child is 23months old and she listens because she doeant want to be spanked you are going to have to start out young because if she gets older it will get out of hand.



BeAmour
by on Oct. 3, 2012 at 8:06 PM

 Stay consistant. She's testing her limits and you switching discipline methods around are allowing her go over her boundaries.

IQuitCounting
by on Oct. 3, 2012 at 8:25 PM

I don't if anyone has mentioned this yet, but here's a good read on the topic of early childhood discipline: http://www.janetlansbury.com/2010/04/no-bad-kids-toddler-discipline-without-shame-9-guidelines/


IQuitCounting
by on Oct. 3, 2012 at 8:31 PM

Agree with DixieFlower, spanking is hitting, it's meant to inflict pain to punish for a misbehavior... it makes very little sense if you're trying to raise your child with unconditional love.  There are some extremely comprehensive studies on the negative effects, and lack of positive ones, of spanking.

"Purposely inflicting pain on a child cannot be done with love. Sadly however, the child often learns to associate the two."

Quoting DixieFlower:

Your logic is very flawed here. Just because a child isn't spanked doesn't mean they aren't disciplined. There are many methods of discipline that don't require hitting a child. Yes, no matter what you call it spanking, popping, whipping etc.. it's still hitting. There are a lot of children that have grown up without spankings that don't get out of hand. Just like there are children that did get spankings that are out of hand.

Quoting KaliyahImani:

Yes it is not child abuse to spank your child with a open hand they actullay tell you its okay although some states are different but that seems to be the only thing that help my child is 23months old and she listens because she doeant want to be spanked you are going to have to start out young because if she gets older it will get out of hand.



splatz
by Sarah on Oct. 3, 2012 at 8:45 PM

I totally agree! And we did the pack n play time out thing as well. We started it at Christmas time last year. Mainly because I was afraid she would knock the tree down on top of herself. Within a few days she learned when I would say "Kaitlyn we don't do x, y,z" and would stop. I would then give her a second warning "Kaitlyn, if you don't stop you will have to go to time out". She learned to stop and what time out meant really fast.

For the most part though she has free range of the house. I block off the areas I feel are unsafe & let her roam. No sense in making life with a toddler any harder than necessary. 

However, welcome to toddlerhood. What you are describing is pretty normal. 

Quoting CLG122:

I disagree with the other moms.  Spanking is NOT appropriate for a 16 month old.  Especially if she's been hitting.  Spanking will just reinforce that we hit when we don't like what someone's doing-- seriously.

I would do this: set up a Pack N Play with NO TOYS in it.  Put it in a separate room from where you usually are, or an out-of-the-way spot where she won't be able to make eye contact with you.  EVERY SINGLE TIME she bites/hits/etc, you say "NO biting" and put her in that Pack N Play for 90 seconds.  Set a timer.  Do not talk to her or look at her during time out.  When time's up, you pick her up and say "no biting, okay?  Be a nice girl!" Smile and give her a hug.  She has to know that you will not tolerate the behavior, but that you forgive and still love her.


truetigress
by on Oct. 3, 2012 at 8:49 PM

 Hey there momma *S*

It sounds like you are at the end of your rope. I was in your position. I listened to others' advice, I read parenting book after parenting book and chucked it all away. It sucks when others tell you the "right" way to parent your kids. They don't know them as you do.

However I am concerned with constant yelling. The world is going to give them fear as well as joy. Their home should be a safe haven. A place where if they act out for attention they know that despite what they do you will always love them. They will test you...not to be mean but to challenge themselves.

If you find yourself screaming at your daughter all the time, then at least you are aware of the problem. It's also not working for you. The behavior you want to end... continues. So change your tactics.

If you feel like yelling, place her in a safe spot and then take a break yourself. I had a living room, completely child proofed from floor to ceiling and two child gates at both entrances. If mommy needed to chill out , calm down, and rethink the situation, I would put my daughter in that room so I could control my own emotions.

When your child sees you in control of your emotions she will feel safer and not act out as much. It may take awhile to trust in the "new you", but she will.  For both my daughters yelling and spanking did not work. A forced time out did not work. A time out room with their toys did. They trusted me in that I would put them in a place where they still had a bit of freedom, they had their toys and they knew even when mommy was disappointed in their behavior that I still wanted to protect them.

I came from a household where all my mom knew was spanking. Granted it did help keep a few of my siblings in line. Yet a few of us grew up fearing our mom including me. I felt I was never good enough because everytime I turned around I was either being yelled at, spanked, or things thrown at me.

As a parent I try not to allow my kids to feel that. I think I've found a happy medium. I don't spank and I rarely yell like I once did. When I am angry I take a "mommy time out" and then stop and think of how I felt the day they were born and I held them for the first time. It helps to ease the anger of the situation and then I am better able to deal with them rationally.

That is what I do. You need to find what works for you. I will tell you to look into your child's eyes. If they glitter in excitement and wonder then you are not breaking their spirit. If you see their light fade that's a good indicator that you need to turn things around before they get older and hate you or fear you.

Best of luck hon...parenting isn't easy. Kids are not born with a manual. You have to learn through trial and error what works with your child. If something doesn't work though, don't be afraid to try something outside of the box.

Pammi86
by Pamela on Oct. 3, 2012 at 9:08 PM

Good ideas!

Quoting Kiki7808:

my son is 15m and the same way, honestly i am still trying to figure it out. my dd was never like this, we had to put locks on the cabinets cuz ds kept going in them after getting in trouble over and over. i would suggest like taking anything that she shouldnt be getting into away of having it somewhere she cant get it so that would eliminate yelling at her touching things she isnt supposed to. also you have to pick your battles especially with being so young ther is still alot they dont understand. another thing i try to do is instead of saying NO or DONT tell her what you want her to do... a kids world is full of those words plus that way you are teacher her what you want her to be doing and not what you dont... does that make sense. example... if she is climbing on stuff you dont want her to be instead of yelling and tell her " no get down' you would say "feet on the ground, see like this, mommy's feet are on the ground" help her down if you need than say " yay see your feet are on the ground! please keep them on the ground"  plus if you ever feel like you have no more ideas.. google!!!! seriously you can find a ton of different kinds of techniques. good luck!! aslo remember that you cant control how she is going to act but you can control yourself and how you react to situations, remembering that has helped me alot!


Pammi86
by Pamela on Oct. 3, 2012 at 9:13 PM

Thanks ladies! I have tried swatting her hands or bottom but she sees it as a joke or in return hits back so clearly that is not working. Everyone says well hit her harder and I do not agree. At 16 months I know she is still learning but def testing the waters and Mommys limits lol! I put her in her room bc all she will do is scream when she is away from me, which I also hate. But it is a safe place to let her throw a fit. We have no room for the pack in play anymore and its not like she plays in her room when she is in time out. I have been leaving her in there for one minute and then let her hug me, calm her and explain why she was in time out. I think I need to stick to this method and see where I get. And Sarah, I let her roam too within reason and gate off areas I do not want her. I think its easier that way! The only place I do not allow her without me is the bathroom!

Quoting splatz:

I totally agree! And we did the pack n play time out thing as well. We started it at Christmas time last year. Mainly because I was afraid she would knock the tree down on top of herself. Within a few days she learned when I would say "Kaitlyn we don't do x, y,z" and would stop. I would then give her a second warning "Kaitlyn, if you don't stop you will have to go to time out". She learned to stop and what time out meant really fast.

For the most part though she has free range of the house. I block off the areas I feel are unsafe & let her roam. No sense in making life with a toddler any harder than necessary. 

However, welcome to toddlerhood. What you are describing is pretty normal. 

Quoting CLG122:

I disagree with the other moms.  Spanking is NOT appropriate for a 16 month old.  Especially if she's been hitting.  Spanking will just reinforce that we hit when we don't like what someone's doing-- seriously.

I would do this: set up a Pack N Play with NO TOYS in it.  Put it in a separate room from where you usually are, or an out-of-the-way spot where she won't be able to make eye contact with you.  EVERY SINGLE TIME she bites/hits/etc, you say "NO biting" and put her in that Pack N Play for 90 seconds.  Set a timer.  Do not talk to her or look at her during time out.  When time's up, you pick her up and say "no biting, okay?  Be a nice girl!" Smile and give her a hug.  She has to know that you will not tolerate the behavior, but that you forgive and still love her.



vig5179
by on Oct. 3, 2012 at 9:28 PM

did same here. My son is 21 months now, and i started putting him in time out because spanking him made him think he should hit when we made him made. He didn't like staying put, but he realized every time he got up, I would not only put him back, but I would restart the timer. Just remember to tell them when you set them down that when the time is up that they can get up. If you don't they may think they have to sit there forever, and panic trying to get up.

Quoting one_on_the_way:

After I placed my son back in his timeout chair 42 times (he kept getting up and running away....then he thought it was funny....after the 42nd time of me putting him back in timeout - he stayed there) they suddenly 'meant something' to him. He was 15 months old at the time.  Maybe you've done that, and time outs still 'mean nothing' to her.  Or maybe she just sits in them, but doesn't change her behavior?  I think a lot of parents expect that their child will just sit in a timeout and as soon as the child tries getting out of it, they claim 'they don't work' or 'they mean nothing'.  Have you really stuck it out?  Are timeouts even something you want to try?  Once I had them really established, timeouts worked wonders for me and my son.  But, it took a lot of work to get to that point.  Totally worth it, though.


kirstina
by on Oct. 3, 2012 at 9:29 PM

 She is to young for time out which is why its not working. If she hits you then your smack her fingers and tell her no that hurts. if she bites gently tap her on the mouth and tell her no that hurts. Try to then put her with something she can play with. also she is still a baby just at a fustraing age. Stay calm because it only gets worse. Goood luck..

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