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Escaped a bad environment but still have to deal with my son's dad, advice?

Posted by on Dec. 11, 2012 at 3:31 AM
  • 20 Replies

ugh. life is so crazy. i left my son's father about two months ago. he was verbally and emotionally abusive and when he got too drunk he was physically abusive to me as well. he's incredibly irresponsible. he sleeps on the couch in his mom's apartment.their family all smoke weed inside 24/7. he loves our son, but most of the time when we lived with him he would just sit in the other room and get high and watch youtube and smoke with his friends while i took care of our son. when i would leave our son with him, he could never go very long with him on his own. he has never ever had our son overnight without me. and once when i left my son under his watch while i went to the bathroom, i came back into the living room and the front door was wide open and my son was five steps out the door, they live in an upstairs apartment so had i not came into the room at that moment my son would have fallen down the stairs and died. this happened a second time under my exbf's mom's watch also. i feel they are too high to watch my son. i know they love him but they care more about getting high then they do about my son's best interests. ive asked them not to smoke in the apartment when my son is there but they refuse. they constantly have bongs and jars of weed sitting out everywhere. my ex's older brother lives with them and sells weed out of their apartment. we currently do not have any official custody orders in place. my ex's name is not on my son's birth certificate but he did sign a paper establishing parentage.

i brought my son over to let him see him a few times after we broke up and things were fine. but the last time i took my son over there, he snatched him up and said he was keeping him and id have to go to court to get him back he then told me to leave and when i refused to leave my son there he called the cops on me. i calmed him down and agreed to what my ex wanted in order for him to call the cops back and tell them not to come. bcuz there is no official custody and were in CA whoever has the baby in their arms can do whatever they want with him. he wanted us to spend the night so i said ok. we spent the day together at the river and he finally calmed down and told us we didnt have to stay the night. i left and have not seen him since. he has since learned that i am dating a man who is stationed at air force base in germany.

my ex and his family want to see my son. i do not trust them. nor do i feel safe with leaving my son with them. i do not know what to do. i feel bad keeping my son away from his dad and other side of the family. any advice would be much appreciated. i should also mention that earlier this year i had a domestic violence restraining order against my ex, but i dropped it bcuz i felt bad that he missed my son learning how to roll over and crawl so i dropped the restrain order and got back together with him. and after  6 months i left him. we are over for good now. but i still have to figure out how to deal with him as he is my son's father

by on Dec. 11, 2012 at 3:31 AM
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Replies (1-10):
marchantmom06
by on Dec. 11, 2012 at 6:50 AM
Wait until custody is ordered. Ask the courts for a GAL who should do home visits, say something about the drugs, hopefully they wil order random drug screens where he can't have him unless he's clean.
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LeifsMom04
by on Dec. 11, 2012 at 8:28 AM
1 mom liked this

 um...I hate to sound bitchy here...but why haven't you called the cops on him?  Why didn't you let him call the cops and request that the cops search the home to find the drugs?  That's all it would have taken for them to remove him from your ex's custody.  And gotten the whole household thrown in jail...and THAT would have taken care of your custody issue.  Unless you have something to hide too that you aren't sharing...

PerfectVirgo
by on Dec. 11, 2012 at 8:33 AM
1 mom liked this
I was in a similar situation. The best advice I can give is: toughen up and fight like hell to keep that poor baby from them. I know 9 out of 10 moms will think I'm wrong, but trust me, please. I can give you more info or you can just vent in a pm to me. I understand.
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wishbearmom
by on Dec. 11, 2012 at 9:10 AM

If you haven't already done so, hire an attorney and get a temporary parenting plan in place for your sake and that of your child. That will prevent him from making demands or threats of keeping your son, and if he has a drinking problem, he will not be allowed to see your son when he's impaired - and that's an important safety issue! If there is a restraining order in place, he will not be able to come near you; there will have to be a "safe" pick up and drop off arrangement. And if you feel your child is at risk, there should be a supervised visitation only order, and a guardian at litem will be appointed, but he will have to pay for it!

angelette_89
by on Dec. 11, 2012 at 9:25 AM

well what i would say normally about this kind of situation i would take the father to court and and order a witness custody deal with him.... so anytime your son goes to his father's the father have to have witness custody or whatever it's called when you want your son's protection rights with him.... and the father would have to have someone watching over him to make sure he doesn't do anything bad or hurt him.... i can't remember the word i was looking for to say but yea that's the best advice i can give you for now....

angelette_89
by on Dec. 11, 2012 at 9:29 AM

okay now i know the word i was looking for it was supervision visitation rights.... sorry bout that i kind of had a brain fart.... my memory is going bad on me.... like i said before sorry for that....

goddess99
by Michelle on Dec. 11, 2012 at 9:43 AM

I'd go to court and bring all this information with you. I wouldn't wait!

rockin2_manyMOM
by on Dec. 11, 2012 at 10:16 AM
Get a custody agreement.
splatz
by Sarah on Dec. 11, 2012 at 12:37 PM
2 moms liked this
Same here.

You need to go down to the court house and file for emergency custody (a restraining order would not hurt if hes bothering you still, they can do both at once) ASAP. You do not need a lawyer to do so. Call legal aid and see if you qualify for their services. There are programs here that offer free lawyers who specialize in just domestic violence cases. You can call a local dv shelter and they should have a huge list of legal resources.
Do NOT let him take your son until there are legal documents set in place. If the judge says something about you doing so explain what happened when he took your child and would not give him back. Report every bit of legal activity that is going on there. Push for supervised visits also.

If you continue to let your child go into that unsafe environment then that could come back and bite you in the ass later. They can put you at fault for endangering your child.

If you want to talk more please feel free to message/friend me.


Quoting PerfectVirgo:

I was in a similar situation. The best advice I can give is: toughen up and fight like hell to keep that poor baby from them. I know 9 out of 10 moms will think I'm wrong, but trust me, please. I can give you more info or you can just vent in a pm to me. I understand.
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elijahXmom
by on Dec. 11, 2012 at 12:42 PM

Brain check" i should also mention that earlier this year i had a domestic violence restraining order against my ex, but i dropped it bcuz i felt bad that he missed my son learning how to roll over and crawl so i dropped the restrain order and got back together with him. and after  6 months i left him. we are over for good now. but i still have to figure out how to deal with him as he is my son's father"

Did you lose your mind? When you did that? You need to get help for ourself your only going to get in the same type reationships oer anover again with different men. No sure there is much you can as of now seeing you dropped restraining order.

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