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Escaped a bad environment but still have to deal with my son's dad, advice?

ugh. life is so crazy. i left my son's father about two months ago. he was verbally and emotionally abusive and when he got too drunk he was physically abusive to me as well. he's incredibly irresponsible. he sleeps on the couch in his mom's apartment.their family all smoke weed inside 24/7. he loves our son, but most of the time when we lived with him he would just sit in the other room and get high and watch youtube and smoke with his friends while i took care of our son. when i would leave our son with him, he could never go very long with him on his own. he has never ever had our son overnight without me. and once when i left my son under his watch while i went to the bathroom, i came back into the living room and the front door was wide open and my son was five steps out the door, they live in an upstairs apartment so had i not came into the room at that moment my son would have fallen down the stairs and died. this happened a second time under my exbf's mom's watch also. i feel they are too high to watch my son. i know they love him but they care more about getting high then they do about my son's best interests. ive asked them not to smoke in the apartment when my son is there but they refuse. they constantly have bongs and jars of weed sitting out everywhere. my ex's older brother lives with them and sells weed out of their apartment. we currently do not have any official custody orders in place. my ex's name is not on my son's birth certificate but he did sign a paper establishing parentage.

i brought my son over to let him see him a few times after we broke up and things were fine. but the last time i took my son over there, he snatched him up and said he was keeping him and id have to go to court to get him back he then told me to leave and when i refused to leave my son there he called the cops on me. i calmed him down and agreed to what my ex wanted in order for him to call the cops back and tell them not to come. bcuz there is no official custody and were in CA whoever has the baby in their arms can do whatever they want with him. he wanted us to spend the night so i said ok. we spent the day together at the river and he finally calmed down and told us we didnt have to stay the night. i left and have not seen him since. he has since learned that i am dating a man who is stationed at air force base in germany.

my ex and his family want to see my son. i do not trust them. nor do i feel safe with leaving my son with them. i do not know what to do. i feel bad keeping my son away from his dad and other side of the family. any advice would be much appreciated. i should also mention that earlier this year i had a domestic violence restraining order against my ex, but i dropped it bcuz i felt bad that he missed my son learning how to roll over and crawl so i dropped the restrain order and got back together with him. and after  6 months i left him. we are over for good now. but i still have to figure out how to deal with him as he is my son's father

by on Dec. 11, 2012 at 3:31 AM
Replies (11-20):
Bonneata
by on Dec. 11, 2012 at 1:19 PM
1 mom liked this

You need to file for sole custody end of story. If he wants visitation he needs to get his own place and go get some mental help. He sounds like he needs to help himself before he can care for baby

ethansmomma127
by on Dec. 11, 2012 at 1:56 PM

Im clean! i dont have anything to hide. my past may not be pretty but ive made some major changes in the past two years and i am 100% clean and sober now. the thing is they have their 215 cards which is a medical marijuana recommendation from a doctor. which in California is legal. so they can have weed and smoke it. they cant sell it but i dont know if the cops could really do much.

Janet
by Ruby Member on Dec. 11, 2012 at 2:38 PM

 He doesn't have cusody, he does't take him! Do something about it in the meantime.

lnrmom
by Member on Dec. 11, 2012 at 3:38 PM

Is his name on the birth certificate?

jamieharper08
by on Dec. 11, 2012 at 7:21 PM

They can't just go into his house and start searching through his things.


Quoting LeifsMom04:

 um...I hate to sound bitchy here...but why haven't you called the cops on him?  Why didn't you let him call the cops and request that the cops search the home to find the drugs?  That's all it would have taken for them to remove him from your ex's custody.  And gotten the whole household thrown in jail...and THAT would have taken care of your custody issue.  Unless you have something to hide too that you aren't sharing...


terri.a
by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 12:43 AM

First and foremost, don't feel bad for your ex.  You are not responsible for his bad choices.  Your precious child should never be around him or his family if they are on drugs.  Document everything but stay on the downlow...avoid him and any confrontations. Good luck.

LeifsMom04
by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 11:27 AM

 they can with reasonable cause

Quoting jamieharper08:

They can't just go into his house and start searching through his things.


Quoting LeifsMom04:

 um...I hate to sound bitchy here...but why haven't you called the cops on him?  Why didn't you let him call the cops and request that the cops search the home to find the drugs?  That's all it would have taken for them to remove him from your ex's custody.  And gotten the whole household thrown in jail...and THAT would have taken care of your custody issue.  Unless you have something to hide too that you aren't sharing...


 

MusherMaggie
by Bronze Member on Dec. 12, 2012 at 11:49 AM
You need to put some starch in your spine and sue for sole custody. Your ex and his family are NOT law abiding citizens! For the sake of your safety and that of your son, cut ties with these people!
tiffs2009
by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 3:33 PM
I would not go near them till there is a court order. I agree with others that you need an emergency custody hearing.
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charligirl33
by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 4:07 PM

Can you explain to me how you are better than his father? Becuase I don't see it. What I see, from what you described of the situation... the father is an abusive alcoholic drug addict. Yet, you take your son to see him. You dropped a restraining order against him. You still let him tell you what to do. 

Why haven't you gotten custody set up? Why haven't you protected your child enough to get that done and make sure there are supervised visits only with the child?

Let me explain to you what you are teaching your son, since you obviously don't get it or don't care. You are teaching him that it's okay to be abusive in order to get your way. You are teaching him it's okay to be an alcoholic and a drug addict. You are teaching him that a woman is weak and is under the power of a man. You are also teaching him that you can't or won't protect him from bad situations. 

You say that he was abusive to you. Yet you let your defenseless child be alone with him. Do you not realize that it will happen to your son too? If it hasn't happened yet, it will. Probably sooner than later. An abuser doesnt' pick and choose his victims. He abuses those who are weaker than him and that he can assert his power over. What better choice than a defenseless child? 

Grow up, be a strong woman and get yourself and your child completely out of the situation. Set up custody and safe visitation (if it's insisted upon) for your son.

You say his father loves him. If he really loved him, he wouldn't put that child in those situations. Learn what love really is. Learn what loving your child really means. Before that poor baby is messed up for life.    

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