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Please help.. I don't know what to do anymore. *Edit*

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I thought that since my son had a good day and got through his homework quickly I would surprise him with some time playing the Angry Birds game. After an hour of playing I thought it was time to change up and have him play with his toys. He decided that he was going to fight me because he wanted to play more Angry Birds. So I started by warning me that he would get a time out. Then he kept going. He started screaming at me so I told him that after his timeout he would lose the remaining TV time he had left (20 minutes out of 90). He started telling me how I was a bad mom and he hated me; and then decided he was going to throw things and so I told him he was going to lose his toys for the night. He started saying things like he hated me and wanted to move away... I am trying to be firm but when he said that I cried. How do I stay the firm disciplinarian without the hurt?


*Edit* We decided to reduce his game time. He now turns his own timer on for 35 minutes and when it is up, he gets off his game without fighting. He does ask for more time, but when I say no, he does not throw fits. He has even stopped hitting again, and I have only had to put him in time out once since for not following another rule of the house. Thank you everyone for your advice! :) 

by on Jan. 15, 2013 at 2:09 PM
Replies (11-20):
artistmom27
by on Jan. 15, 2013 at 4:24 PM
1 mom liked this

I know my son for who he is, and I know his capabilities. He is a perfect image of stubbornness and passion like me. I give him a great deal of warning and leeway, but you can only say no don't do that so many times before you have to act. I am not trying to make him into something he is not, but I am also not going to allow something get out of control because I don't want to hurt his feelings. What you get is the teenagers that exist today, with no respect and self discipline.

Quoting SlapItHigh:

Realize that discipline doesn't mean punishment.  You are never going to get the outcome you desire this way.  All this does is drive a wedge between the 2 of you and hurt his heart.  Learn about how a brain of someone his age truly works.  You can't punish him into being someone he has no capability of being.  Learn who he truly is and then lead him and shape him with love and compassion, not punishment.


artistmom27
by on Jan. 15, 2013 at 4:35 PM

We have story time before bed, craft time where him and I do a different fine motor skill building craft, mommy and Tony work out time (we will pick out a dvd to work out during the cold months and play a random sport during the warm ones), and play legos (if he isn't in an independent mood that day). I am very active with him, and twice a week we have family game night where he picks out a board game and his dad and I will play with him.

Quoting ambercococleo:

Sounds like he's playing a highly visual semi-violent video game. Not that there's anything wrong with that but an hour for a small child is too much. He fought for more time physically because he doesn't know it's wrong to actually hit a person. You have to let him know at least once not to hit or he will be hit back-a whack on the bottom. Then you do it. You don't need to be letting him play those type of games right now. His mind can't handle all the activity during the game and letting go of the game mentally. He needs some personal time between yall playing what he likes at times. You can have him chose some and you do the rest of them so you don't give him free reign. Play at the park some or play in his room with cars or soldiers. Boys are much more on hands and need to be guided or they are like animals. You can't wait on doing stuff together. You'll lose him.


rgba
by Member on Jan. 15, 2013 at 4:41 PM

First off, I would start giving him shorter times for video games--it sounds like they may set him off.

I would also recommend giving him very clear rules from the start.  You may have caught him off guard by suddenly wanting him to "change it up."  Next time, specify that he can play Angry Birds for x many minutes.  5 minutes before time is up, start giving him warnings that his time is almost up.

In the meantime, let go of the hurt.  He was just mad.  It sounds like you both got a little out of control, and that you kept piling discipline upon discipline without warning.


arsenaldiva58
by on Jan. 15, 2013 at 4:48 PM
2 moms liked this

You need to set firm limits and expectations.  I would say something like this....When you finish your homework, you can earn 30 minutes of Angry Birds.  After the 30 minutes, you can choose to play an additional 30 minutes of Angry Birds or you can choose to play with your other toys.  If you are able to make good choices, be safe, and use respectful language when it's time to finish playing Angry Birds, you will earn an extra 10 minutes the next day.  If you choose to use disrespectful language and make other poor choices, you will not earn the privilege of playing Angry Birds tomorrow......You need to set up the expectation that he will not be playing this game the whole night.  By setting up the expectation, then he is the one making the choices, which will make him feel empowered.....what you described above sounded like a power struggle.....also, playing 1 entire hour of Angry Birds might be quite excessive.  I would actually cut that activity down in half.  That's too much stimulation for a child that already has difficulties with regulation.  I hope this helps.  Also, stacking consequences makes things worse.  The child feels hopeless, which then results in him wanting to make you miserable.  I would also sit down and talk to him about how his words hurt you, but reassure him that even if he feels that way, that you still love him. I am a Therapeutic Crisis Intervention trainer and a Behavior Analyst. 

AmyL3469
by on Jan. 15, 2013 at 4:55 PM
1 mom liked this

I don't think you're being harsh enough, personally. How old is he? My kids are 4 in a matter of weeks, and 2 1/2 and they would NEVER hit me or throw things at me. They would be in their beds for the night, out for dinner, back to bed. I couldn't deal with that disrespect... especially over a damn game! 

artistmom27
by on Jan. 15, 2013 at 5:50 PM

He has a timer that we put so he doesn't acciently exceed his limit, it also has a 2 minute warning. This is a common practice and the rule/consequences system is not only known by both, we also have it written and posted on the wall. He knows he was out of line. He knew he is only allowed an hour of any type of digital stimulation.

Quoting rgba:

First off, I would start giving him shorter times for video games--it sounds like they may set him off.

I would also recommend giving him very clear rules from the start.  You may have caught him off guard by suddenly wanting him to "change it up."  Next time, specify that he can play Angry Birds for x many minutes.  5 minutes before time is up, start giving him warnings that his time is almost up.

In the meantime, let go of the hurt.  He was just mad.  It sounds like you both got a little out of control, and that you kept piling discipline upon discipline without warning.



Roo1234
by Member on Jan. 15, 2013 at 5:55 PM
2 moms liked this
Quoting artistmom27:




You would be better served by talking to those who assist with his developmental delays. They are going to be more informed and knowledgeable about how to deal with his unique issues.
Sarah321
by on Jan. 15, 2013 at 6:46 PM
2 moms liked this


Quoting ambercococleo:

Sounds like he's playing a highly visual semi-violent video game. Not that there's anything wrong with that but an hour for a small child is too much. He fought for more time physically because he doesn't know it's wrong to actually hit a person. You have to let him know at least once not to hit or he will be hit back-a whack on the bottom. Then you do it. You don't need to be letting him play those type of games right now. His mind can't handle all the activity during the game and letting go of the game mentally. He needs some personal time between yall playing what he likes at times. You can have him chose some and you do the rest of them so you don't give him free reign. Play at the park some or play in his room with cars or soldiers. Boys are much more on hands and need to be guided or they are like animals. You can't wait on doing stuff together. You'll lose him.

What's wrong with this picture? LOL-  "It's wrong to hit a person"
then....if he does do it...you...HIT him back? He IS a person, right? So following this logic, hitting him will teach him it's not ok to....hit? I'm lost

rgba
by Member on Jan. 15, 2013 at 7:12 PM

I hear you, but it sounds like within a few minutes, you threw several different punishments at him.  That's a lot for a little guy to take in.  Even if he continues to do things incorrectly, he is still just in the midst of one big temper tantrum.

We are not a time-out family (have never used them), but here is how I can see something like this going with my 3 1/2 year old.  Hope it helps.  I try to stick to logical conversations and natural consequences.

1. (angry birds time would be a bit shorter, since he is younger):  B, I gave you your 2 minute warning. After this level, you need to turn Angry Birds off.

(usually he will comply, but if he is is being a stinker):

2. (Calmly): B, you can argue all you want, but it won't do any good.  We already agreed that Angry Birds goes off after x minutes.  All you are doing right now is telling me that we can not count on you to cooperate in the future, and that maybe you shouldn't play Angry Birds at all anymore. If you don't turn it off, mommy is going to take Angry Birds away.

This usually works as well. If, for some reason, he started yelling about it, I would tackle the issue of yelling, but not add new punishments since he is still on the same tantrum:

3. B, I can't hear you what you are trying to say when you yell.  You need to use quiet words.

If he continues to yell (which he usually doesn't), I imagine I would continue to say this firmly.  If for some reason his grumpy behavior continues (which so far, it usually doesn't):

4. B, I hear that you are grumpy about this.  I am sorry you feel that way.  You cannot have your Angry Birds game back, but I am happy to help you think of other things that might make you feel better.

(At this point, I am usually close enough to snuggle if he wants).

I know it sounds simple, but it works for us.  We have a kid who now listens very well, and can come up with ideas of how to make himself feel better when he is grumpy.  I am a big believer in teaching him tools to work through his emotions.  He knows how to take a deep breath when he is wound up, and to switch to a quiet voice when he starts to yell.  Perhaps this wouldn't work for every kid, but it sure works for ours!


Quoting artistmom27:

He has a timer that we put so he doesn't acciently exceed his limit, it also has a 2 minute warning. This is a common practice and the rule/consequences system is not only known by both, we also have it written and posted on the wall. He knows he was out of line. He knew he is only allowed an hour of any type of digital stimulation.

Quoting rgba:

First off, I would start giving him shorter times for video games--it sounds like they may set him off.

I would also recommend giving him very clear rules from the start.  You may have caught him off guard by suddenly wanting him to "change it up."  Next time, specify that he can play Angry Birds for x many minutes.  5 minutes before time is up, start giving him warnings that his time is almost up.

In the meantime, let go of the hurt.  He was just mad.  It sounds like you both got a little out of control, and that you kept piling discipline upon discipline without warning.




artistmom27
by on Jan. 15, 2013 at 7:42 PM

I am sorry, I guess I made it sound like this was a 5 minute ordeal. This ordeal totalled near 45 minutes of me trying to reason with him, trying to calm him down, and nothing was working. The person we work with on his behavioral therapy for his OCD implemented this routine and consequences idea based on his capabilities of understanding right and wrong. He came to me later and said (on his own) he was sorry for making bad decsions. He is a good kid by nature and most of the time I don't have to fight with him, but there are times that he seems to really get in a mood.

Quoting rgba:

I hear you, but it sounds like within a few minutes, you threw several different punishments at him.  That's a lot for a little guy to take in.  Even if he continues to do things incorrectly, he is still just in the midst of one big temper tantrum.

We are not a time-out family (have never used them), but here is how I can see something like this going with my 3 1/2 year old.  Hope it helps.  I try to stick to logical conversations and natural consequences.

1. (angry birds time would be a bit shorter, since he is younger):  B, I gave you your 2 minute warning. After this level, you need to turn Angry Birds off.

(usually he will comply, but if he is is being a stinker):

2. (Calmly): B, you can argue all you want, but it won't do any good.  We already agreed that Angry Birds goes off after x minutes.  All you are doing right now is telling me that we can not count on you to cooperate in the future, and that maybe you shouldn't play Angry Birds at all anymore. If you don't turn it off, mommy is going to take Angry Birds away.

This usually works as well. If, for some reason, he started yelling about it, I would tackle the issue of yelling, but not add new punishments since he is still on the same tantrum:

3. B, I can't hear you what you are trying to say when you yell.  You need to use quiet words.

If he continues to yell (which he usually doesn't), I imagine I would continue to say this firmly.  If for some reason his grumpy behavior continues (which so far, it usually doesn't):

4. B, I hear that you are grumpy about this.  I am sorry you feel that way.  You cannot have your Angry Birds game back, but I am happy to help you think of other things that might make you feel better.

(At this point, I am usually close enough to snuggle if he wants).

I know it sounds simple, but it works for us.  We have a kid who now listens very well, and can come up with ideas of how to make himself feel better when he is grumpy.  I am a big believer in teaching him tools to work through his emotions.  He knows how to take a deep breath when he is wound up, and to switch to a quiet voice when he starts to yell.  Perhaps this wouldn't work for every kid, but it sure works for ours!


Quoting artistmom27:

He has a timer that we put so he doesn't acciently exceed his limit, it also has a 2 minute warning. This is a common practice and the rule/consequences system is not only known by both, we also have it written and posted on the wall. He knows he was out of line. He knew he is only allowed an hour of any type of digital stimulation.

Quoting rgba:

First off, I would start giving him shorter times for video games--it sounds like they may set him off.

I would also recommend giving him very clear rules from the start.  You may have caught him off guard by suddenly wanting him to "change it up."  Next time, specify that he can play Angry Birds for x many minutes.  5 minutes before time is up, start giving him warnings that his time is almost up.

In the meantime, let go of the hurt.  He was just mad.  It sounds like you both got a little out of control, and that you kept piling discipline upon discipline without warning.





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