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mommy needing support ane advice

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Hello my name is Candice. I'm a proud mommy of three beautiful children. Im new here and was wondering if i could maybe get some advice.
My ten yr old is out of hand latley. Its getting hard physically, emotionaly, and mentaly to handle him anymore. I feel at my breaking point. Sometimes i even think to myself that it might be easier sending him to my moms to live. But im in fear that he would cause her stress. He doesn't want to listen. He does what he wants to. He talks and treats me like im dumb:(
He picks on his two youger sisters. Constantly argues wity my partner and i.
I feel like im stretching myself thin just to please him. While the rest of the family suffers. :(
Does anyone have any advice?
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
by on Jan. 27, 2013 at 9:41 PM
Replies (41-50):
hismommy2010
by New Member on Jan. 30, 2013 at 12:29 PM

 Is he getting the attention he needs from you? Is the 'partner' good to him? I think first you need to find out the cause of this behavior and take it from there. I understand it's stressful, but to just send him away will only cause further issues, because in his eyes you just washed your hands of him

s.osborne
by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 12:29 PM

 Slap the taste out of his mouth.

torttia
by Member on Jan. 30, 2013 at 12:39 PM

Honestly sounds like my brother, he is bi-polar and started acting like that when he was 9 or 10. He used to hit me and call me names and he would constantly get in trouble at school and home. You should talk to the dr about it. Good luck!

KenneMaw
by Member on Jan. 30, 2013 at 12:47 PM

If this behavior is new and sudden, then I would take him to a doctor.  If this is typical behavior but getting worse, you could seek out a school or private counselor and preferably a man.   I do not know if your parnter is a man, but i think your son needs a man/father-figure in his life, espcially if he is in our house full of women.  We hear alot of the terrible twos, but I think there are periods throughout a kids life when they are 'terrible'.  At 10, he isn't a young child anymore, he is turning into a young man.   He gets frustrated.   He picks on the little ones probalby because he is frustrated and a bit jealous.  Kids act out when they don't know what else to do.   You or someone must find out what is going on.   Don't be so quick to placehim in the ADD, ODD, ADHD...he is growing up and needs guidance.  Good Luck and stay strong.

mommadana
by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 1:23 PM

My 9 year old started this behavior, and it started because he thought it was me keepinghim from his dad and his mom was telling him conflicting information.  Somehow everything became MY fault and finally I gave him the honest truth.  I made it very clear that I have NEVER lied to him (I mean never in his life) and I laid it out for him and gave him age appropriate truth.  I also got him with a child psychologist who got his trust to open up about everything.  He's a LOT better now

sucker4myloves
by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 1:27 PM
1 mom liked this

I don't have a child that age, but I was once a child that age. Stop "pleasing" him. Everytime he acts like that, punish him, and punish him hard. Do not give an inch, do not stop even once. Do not give in even once. After a few weeks of that, I wager you'll see a change.

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LiLsMaMa21
by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 1:27 PM
1 mom liked this

Bwahaha!! I say whoop his little ass. If I were to act like that when I was ten, my daddy would have gotten the belt out! People are so ridiculous with the coddling these days! kids are spoiled and will grow up thinking their actions have no real consequences so when they get out in the real world and find out it really DOESN'T revolve around them they shit their pants and run and hide back to mommy who still wipes their ass for them! 


Quoting SlapItHigh:


Sorry, but not all of us look at meeting our children's needs as "rewarding" them.  Rewards and punishments don't work --- opposite ends of the same stick.  Science has proven this. Science has shown us what motivates people and one of the main ways to motivate a person from within is autonomy.  A 9yo needs that.  You can keep ignoring their needs and trying to motivate them through punishments and rewards but it will never work.  That mentality needs to be ditched as all it results in is a world full of people who only care what they personally get out of their actions.  Meet the need, change the world!

Quoting pegleg63:


He may or not be enterying puberty but even if he is that is no exsuse for unacceptable behavior. I see no reason at all to reward bad behavior with more freedom either!

Quoting SlapItHigh:

Puberty. He needs love, support, affection, along with increased privacy and increased freedom. 







ZsMommy
by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 1:49 PM

Have you had him tested for O.D.D? (Oppositional defiance disorder)


Common features of oppositional defiant disorder (ODD) include excessive, often persistent anger, frequent temper tantrums or angry outbursts, as well as disregard for authority. Children and adolescents with ODD often purposely annoy others, blame others for their own mistakes, and are easily disturbed. Parents often observe more rigid and irritable behaviors than in siblings.[2] In addition, these young people may appear resentful of others and when someone does something they don't like they prefer taking revenge more than sensitive solutions.[3]

For a child or adolescent to qualify for a diagnosis of ODD these behaviors must cause considerable distress for the family and/or interfere significantly with academic or social functioning. Interference might take the form of preventing the child or adolescent from learning at school or making friends, or placing him or her in harmful situations. These behaviors must also persist for at least six months. Effects of ODD can be greatly amplified by other disorders in comorbidity such as ADHD.[4] Other common comorbid disorders include depression and substance use disorders.[5]

Signs and symptoms

Some signs and symptoms that must be perpetuated for longer than 6 months and must be considered beyond normal child behavior to fit the diagnosis are:[6][7]

The child must exhibit 4 out of the 8 signs and symptoms listed below in order to meet the DSM-IV-TR diagnostic threshold for oppositional defiant disorder[8]

  • Actively refuses to comply with majority's requests or consensus-supported rules[9]
  • Performs actions to deliberately annoy others[9]
  • Angry and resentful of others[7]
  • Argues often[7]
  • Blames others for his or her own mistakes[10]
  • Often loses temper[10]
  • Touchy or easily annoyed[10]

Generally, these patterns of behavior will lead to problems at school and other social venues.[7]

Just curious.

la_bella_vita
by Silver Member on Jan. 30, 2013 at 2:11 PM
Communication, love and counseling
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
SlapItHigh
by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 2:13 PM


Actually, that's not true.  You are ignoring science.  In the "real world" there is no one to spank you when you pick on other people and argue all the time (the things she says her son is doing).  Children are much smarter than you think and it doesn't take them long to realize that they can be bad as long as you aren't around to hit them.  "Whooping their little ass" doesn't teach them anything, at least not anything that you want to teach them.  It teaches them that they can hit other people when they want their way.  Good luck with that approach. Science has already shown us the harms it produces.  We can look around society and see the same. 

In the real world, people act crazy and our society is full of selfish manipulative greedy folks who only care about what's in it for themselves.  No one whoops their little asses and they do whatever they want.  That's why we have such a sorry state in our culture.  Look at all the people running around screwing others over, making babies and then not being responsible for them, abuse and more.

When we hit, punish and reward, we are teaching our children to act based on what they get or don't get out of a situation.  We are teaching them to become selfish.  These actions of spanking, punishing, etc are physically incapable of teaching any true lessons such as why it is wrong to pick on a sibling.  To put it another context, would "whooping someone's little ass" teach them math?  Of course not.  No one even considers "whooping" a child when they get their math problem wrong.  Yet we fool ourselves as parents into thinking it will teach them other lessons.  It will not.  

We have to put in the real work of actually teaching our children and realizing that they won't get it right away.  We have to remove the obstacles that are in the way of their learning and begin to actually meet their needs.  We also need to educate ourselves on the brain development of children and change our expectations to meet the reality of the situation.  When we actually teach our young, we motivate them from the inside.  Internal motivation is the only thing that will lead to adults who actually want to do the right thing.  Because they know that no one else is standing over them waiting to whoop them if they don't.  They have to want to do the right thing from their own well formed conscience.

Spanking results in a person who grows up to type the kinds of comments that you just typed below.....

Quoting LiLsMaMa21:

Bwahaha!! I say whoop his little ass. If I were to act like that when I was ten, my daddy would have gotten the belt out! People are so ridiculous with the coddling these days! kids are spoiled and will grow up thinking their actions have no real consequences so when they get out in the real world and find out it really DOESN'T revolve around them they shit their pants and run and hide back to mommy who still wipes their ass for them! 


Quoting SlapItHigh:


Sorry, but not all of us look at meeting our children's needs as "rewarding" them.  Rewards and punishments don't work --- opposite ends of the same stick.  Science has proven this. Science has shown us what motivates people and one of the main ways to motivate a person from within is autonomy.  A 9yo needs that.  You can keep ignoring their needs and trying to motivate them through punishments and rewards but it will never work.  That mentality needs to be ditched as all it results in is a world full of people who only care what they personally get out of their actions.  Meet the need, change the world!

Quoting pegleg63:


He may or not be enterying puberty but even if he is that is no exsuse for unacceptable behavior. I see no reason at all to reward bad behavior with more freedom either!

Quoting SlapItHigh:

Puberty. He needs love, support, affection, along with increased privacy and increased freedom. 









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