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mommy needing support ane advice

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Hello my name is Candice. I'm a proud mommy of three beautiful children. Im new here and was wondering if i could maybe get some advice.
My ten yr old is out of hand latley. Its getting hard physically, emotionaly, and mentaly to handle him anymore. I feel at my breaking point. Sometimes i even think to myself that it might be easier sending him to my moms to live. But im in fear that he would cause her stress. He doesn't want to listen. He does what he wants to. He talks and treats me like im dumb:(
He picks on his two youger sisters. Constantly argues wity my partner and i.
I feel like im stretching myself thin just to please him. While the rest of the family suffers. :(
Does anyone have any advice?
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
by on Jan. 27, 2013 at 9:41 PM
Replies (51-60):
Picture.This
by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 2:13 PM

I am not trying to be nasty or mean or even sarcastic. I promise so don't take it the wrong way.

But stop trying to be his freinds and be his mother. He has plenty of friends at school and needs more athority.

My brother was the same way and my mother and father lost their back bones with him and where trying to do anything to make him happy or please him and it turned out even worse. They would wear themself thin trying to make him happy because they where afraid what the next outburst would bring. He was very nasty to me and my sister. 

LiLsMaMa21
by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 2:18 PM


Yeah I'm not reading all that... blah blah blah. 

Quoting SlapItHigh:


Actually, that's not true.  You are ignoring science.  In the "real world" there is no one to spank you when you pick on other people and argue all the time (the things she says her son is doing).  Children are much smarter than you think and it doesn't take them long to realize that they can be bad as long as you aren't around to hit them.  "Whooping their little ass" doesn't teach them anything, at least not anything that you want to teach them.  It teaches them that they can hit other people when they want their way.  Good luck with that approach. Science has already shown us the harms it produces.  We can look around society and see the same. 

In the real world, people act crazy and our society is full of selfish manipulative greedy folks who only care about what's in it for themselves.  No one whoops their little asses and they do whatever they want.  That's why we have such a sorry state in our culture.  Look at all the people running around screwing others over, making babies and then not being responsible for them, abuse and more.

When we hit, punish and reward, we are teaching our children to act based on what they get or don't get out of a situation.  We are teaching them to become selfish.  These actions of spanking, punishing, etc are physically incapable of teaching any true lessons such as why it is wrong to pick on a sibling.  To put it another context, would "whooping someone's little ass" teach them math?  Of course not.  No one even considers "whooping" a child when they get their math problem wrong.  Yet we fool ourselves as parents into thinking it will teach them other lessons.  It will not.  

We have to put in the real work of actually teaching our children and realizing that they won't get it right away.  We have to remove the obstacles that are in the way of their learning and begin to actually meet their needs.  We also need to educate ourselves on the brain development of children and change our expectations to meet the reality of the situation.  When we actually teach our young, we motivate them from the inside.  Internal motivation is the only thing that will lead to adults who actually want to do the right thing.  Because they know that no one else is standing over them waiting to whoop them if they don't.  They have to want to do the right thing from their own well formed conscience.

Spanking results in a person who grows up to type the kinds of comments that you just typed below.....

Quoting LiLsMaMa21:

Bwahaha!! I say whoop his little ass. If I were to act like that when I was ten, my daddy would have gotten the belt out! People are so ridiculous with the coddling these days! kids are spoiled and will grow up thinking their actions have no real consequences so when they get out in the real world and find out it really DOESN'T revolve around them they shit their pants and run and hide back to mommy who still wipes their ass for them! 


Quoting SlapItHigh:


Sorry, but not all of us look at meeting our children's needs as "rewarding" them.  Rewards and punishments don't work --- opposite ends of the same stick.  Science has proven this. Science has shown us what motivates people and one of the main ways to motivate a person from within is autonomy.  A 9yo needs that.  You can keep ignoring their needs and trying to motivate them through punishments and rewards but it will never work.  That mentality needs to be ditched as all it results in is a world full of people who only care what they personally get out of their actions.  Meet the need, change the world!

Quoting pegleg63:


He may or not be enterying puberty but even if he is that is no exsuse for unacceptable behavior. I see no reason at all to reward bad behavior with more freedom either!

Quoting SlapItHigh:

Puberty. He needs love, support, affection, along with increased privacy and increased freedom. 











Mom7142
by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 2:26 PM
2 moms liked this
Stop trying to please him and be a mom to him. A mom sets boundaries , introduces rules and stands by them. Don't be his friend and don't feel sorry for him. He learns his life lessons from you. I'm saying this because I have a ten year old son and he started doing the same things a year ago but I took control with the help of a counselor and he is a different child. This advice comes from a counselor and a mom who has been there. Good luck!
iamcafemom83
by Member on Jan. 30, 2013 at 2:54 PM
2 moms liked this
I find it ironic that "slapithigh" is against spanking.

Quoting LiLsMaMa21:


Yeah I'm not reading all that... blah blah blah. 


Quoting SlapItHigh:


Actually, that's not true.  You are ignoring science.  In the "real world" there is no one to spank you when you pick on other people and argue all the time (the things she says her son is doing).  Children are much smarter than you think and it doesn't take them long to realize that they can be bad as long as you aren't around to hit them.  "Whooping their little ass" doesn't teach them anything, at least not anything that you want to teach them.  It teaches them that they can hit other people when they want their way.  Good luck with that approach. Science has already shown us the harms it produces.  We can look around society and see the same. 

In the real world, people act crazy and our society is full of selfish manipulative greedy folks who only care about what's in it for themselves.  No one whoops their little asses and they do whatever they want.  That's why we have such a sorry state in our culture.  Look at all the people running around screwing others over, making babies and then not being responsible for them, abuse and more.

When we hit, punish and reward, we are teaching our children to act based on what they get or don't get out of a situation.  We are teaching them to become selfish.  These actions of spanking, punishing, etc are physically incapable of teaching any true lessons such as why it is wrong to pick on a sibling.  To put it another context, would "whooping someone's little ass" teach them math?  Of course not.  No one even considers "whooping" a child when they get their math problem wrong.  Yet we fool ourselves as parents into thinking it will teach them other lessons.  It will not.  

We have to put in the real work of actually teaching our children and realizing that they won't get it right away.  We have to remove the obstacles that are in the way of their learning and begin to actually meet their needs.  We also need to educate ourselves on the brain development of children and change our expectations to meet the reality of the situation.  When we actually teach our young, we motivate them from the inside.  Internal motivation is the only thing that will lead to adults who actually want to do the right thing.  Because they know that no one else is standing over them waiting to whoop them if they don't.  They have to want to do the right thing from their own well formed conscience.

Spanking results in a person who grows up to type the kinds of comments that you just typed below.....


Quoting LiLsMaMa21:

Bwahaha!! I say whoop his little ass. If I were to act like that when I was ten, my daddy would have gotten the belt out! People are so ridiculous with the coddling these days! kids are spoiled and will grow up thinking their actions have no real consequences so when they get out in the real world and find out it really DOESN'T revolve around them they shit their pants and run and hide back to mommy who still wipes their ass for them! 



Quoting SlapItHigh:


Sorry, but not all of us look at meeting our children's needs as "rewarding" them.  Rewards and punishments don't work --- opposite ends of the same stick.  Science has proven this. Science has shown us what motivates people and one of the main ways to motivate a person from within is autonomy.  A 9yo needs that.  You can keep ignoring their needs and trying to motivate them through punishments and rewards but it will never work.  That mentality needs to be ditched as all it results in is a world full of people who only care what they personally get out of their actions.  Meet the need, change the world!


Quoting pegleg63:


He may or not be enterying puberty but even if he is that is no exsuse for unacceptable behavior. I see no reason at all to reward bad behavior with more freedom either!


Quoting SlapItHigh:

Puberty. He needs love, support, affection, along with increased privacy and increased freedom. 
















Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
Kimbunny
by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 3:03 PM

I also have a 10 yr old.  they can be hard to handle at times.  It's almost like they have lost their minds. What are his interests?  My son loves the x-box...so when he gets too out of line, I ground him from the x-box.  I also sometimes have him write me a letter to appoligize for treating me badly.  Also, I think at this age I think its ok to tell them honestly how you feel about what they are doing.  Maybe if he knew how badly he was hurting everyone, he might change.  Just a couple thoughts...

peachesforme
by Member on Jan. 30, 2013 at 3:05 PM

were you the type of parent to always make excuses for him when he was younger and let him get anything he wanted? need more background info.

SlapItHigh
by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 3:53 PM
1 mom liked this
Hey, at least you are honest :).


Quoting LiLsMaMa21:


Yeah I'm not reading all that... blah blah blah. 


Quoting SlapItHigh:


Actually, that's not true.  You are ignoring science.  In the "real world" there is no one to spank you when you pick on other people and argue all the time (the things she says her son is doing).  Children are much smarter than you think and it doesn't take them long to realize that they can be bad as long as you aren't around to hit them.  "Whooping their little ass" doesn't teach them anything, at least not anything that you want to teach them.  It teaches them that they can hit other people when they want their way.  Good luck with that approach. Science has already shown us the harms it produces.  We can look around society and see the same. 

In the real world, people act crazy and our society is full of selfish manipulative greedy folks who only care about what's in it for themselves.  No one whoops their little asses and they do whatever they want.  That's why we have such a sorry state in our culture.  Look at all the people running around screwing others over, making babies and then not being responsible for them, abuse and more.

When we hit, punish and reward, we are teaching our children to act based on what they get or don't get out of a situation.  We are teaching them to become selfish.  These actions of spanking, punishing, etc are physically incapable of teaching any true lessons such as why it is wrong to pick on a sibling.  To put it another context, would "whooping someone's little ass" teach them math?  Of course not.  No one even considers "whooping" a child when they get their math problem wrong.  Yet we fool ourselves as parents into thinking it will teach them other lessons.  It will not.  

We have to put in the real work of actually teaching our children and realizing that they won't get it right away.  We have to remove the obstacles that are in the way of their learning and begin to actually meet their needs.  We also need to educate ourselves on the brain development of children and change our expectations to meet the reality of the situation.  When we actually teach our young, we motivate them from the inside.  Internal motivation is the only thing that will lead to adults who actually want to do the right thing.  Because they know that no one else is standing over them waiting to whoop them if they don't.  They have to want to do the right thing from their own well formed conscience.

Spanking results in a person who grows up to type the kinds of comments that you just typed below.....


Quoting LiLsMaMa21:

Bwahaha!! I say whoop his little ass. If I were to act like that when I was ten, my daddy would have gotten the belt out! People are so ridiculous with the coddling these days! kids are spoiled and will grow up thinking their actions have no real consequences so when they get out in the real world and find out it really DOESN'T revolve around them they shit their pants and run and hide back to mommy who still wipes their ass for them! 



Quoting SlapItHigh:


Sorry, but not all of us look at meeting our children's needs as "rewarding" them.  Rewards and punishments don't work --- opposite ends of the same stick.  Science has proven this. Science has shown us what motivates people and one of the main ways to motivate a person from within is autonomy.  A 9yo needs that.  You can keep ignoring their needs and trying to motivate them through punishments and rewards but it will never work.  That mentality needs to be ditched as all it results in is a world full of people who only care what they personally get out of their actions.  Meet the need, change the world!


Quoting pegleg63:


He may or not be enterying puberty but even if he is that is no exsuse for unacceptable behavior. I see no reason at all to reward bad behavior with more freedom either!


Quoting SlapItHigh:

Puberty. He needs love, support, affection, along with increased privacy and increased freedom. 

















Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
ruggy03
by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 4:15 PM
You mentioned your partner,and sisters.Is he the only male in the house?maybe he needs some boy time.Is there a karate school or anyplace where he could have an out?If your partner is a guy how about a ditch the girls day and do guy stuff.I know this probably sounds silly but from experience a house full of girls and women is not easy on a boy especially that age and Bad is a terrible word acting naughty is so much better....good luck and please remember back in the day kids were naughty not medicated and they are functioning adults now,in 20 years it should be interesting to see how well all the medicated children are doing coming off of years of meds.
MissyLucas
by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 4:19 PM

 I had the same question until I actually took my child to a Therapist and now I can see why. If you have a good Therapist and your child just being a "brat" they will help you with calling them on their BS. And when you have a headstrong child like mine is you can spank them all you want they don't care. That why counselling

Quoting crystalplus1:

why counseling? Hes being a brat, he just needs to be reminded he is a child and that behavior is not acceptable. I would not do counselling when a swift smack on the rear will get him acting right for free.

 

Quoting Pammi86:

I would suggest counseling for him.

 

 

 

Celtic_Dragon
by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 5:01 PM
1 mom liked this


Yep. That's  my ex. He can't keep a job and is teaching our son that it's everyone else's fault. Pisses me off so much because I don't want my son to grow up thinking that he can do no wrong and the entire world should cater and adjust to HIM and HIS needs.

Quoting LiLsMaMa21:

Bwahaha!! I say whoop his little ass. If I were to act like that when I was ten, my daddy would have gotten the belt out! People are so ridiculous with the coddling these days! kids are spoiled and will grow up thinking their actions have no real consequences so when they get out in the real world and find out it really DOESN'T revolve around them they shit their pants and run and hide back to mommy who still wipes their ass for them! 


Quoting SlapItHigh:


Sorry, but not all of us look at meeting our children's needs as "rewarding" them.  Rewards and punishments don't work --- opposite ends of the same stick.  Science has proven this. Science has shown us what motivates people and one of the main ways to motivate a person from within is autonomy.  A 9yo needs that.  You can keep ignoring their needs and trying to motivate them through punishments and rewards but it will never work.  That mentality needs to be ditched as all it results in is a world full of people who only care what they personally get out of their actions.  Meet the need, change the world!

Quoting pegleg63:


He may or not be enterying puberty but even if he is that is no exsuse for unacceptable behavior. I see no reason at all to reward bad behavior with more freedom either!

Quoting SlapItHigh:

Puberty. He needs love, support, affection, along with increased privacy and increased freedom. 









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