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Hello my name is Candice. I'm a proud mommy of three beautiful children. Im new here and was wondering if i could maybe get some advice.
My ten yr old is out of hand latley. Its getting hard physically, emotionaly, and mentaly to handle him anymore. I feel at my breaking point. Sometimes i even think to myself that it might be easier sending him to my moms to live. But im in fear that he would cause her stress. He doesn't want to listen. He does what he wants to. He talks and treats me like im dumb:(
He picks on his two youger sisters. Constantly argues wity my partner and i.
I feel like im stretching myself thin just to please him. While the rest of the family suffers. :(
Does anyone have any advice?
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
by on Jan. 27, 2013 at 9:41 PM
Replies (71-80):
MrsKish
by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 9:34 PM

DELAWARE HERE LOOK FOR YOUR SELF

Quoting kckmom3:

 What state is that?

Quoting MrsKish:

i'm going through the same thing my 6 & 8yo boys

they drive me nuts angry i can't find any punishment that works for them.  spanky has been outlawed in my state, time outs don't work. i'm thinking about making them write lines. 

Quoting proudmommy208:

Hello my name is Candice. I'm a proud mommy of three beautiful children. Im new here and was wondering if i could maybe get some advice.
My ten yr old is out of hand latley. Its getting hard physically, emotionaly, and mentaly to handle him anymore. I feel at my breaking point. Sometimes i even think to myself that it might be easier sending him to my moms to live. But im in fear that he would cause her stress. He doesn't want to listen. He does what he wants to. He talks and treats me like im dumb:(
He picks on his two youger sisters. Constantly argues wity my partner and i.
I feel like im stretching myself thin just to please him. While the rest of the family suffers. :(
Does anyone have any advice?


 


KJH78
by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 9:45 PM

Absolutely right!!!


Quoting pegleg63:


He may or not be enterying puberty but even if he is that is no exsuse for unacceptable behavior. I see no reason at all to reward bad behavior with more freedom either!

Quoting SlapItHigh:

Puberty. He needs love, support, affection, along with increased privacy and increased freedom. 





kckmom3
by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 9:45 PM

 ok

Quoting MrsKish:

DELAWARE HERE LOOK FOR YOUR SELF

Quoting kckmom3:

 What state is that?

Quoting MrsKish:

i'm going through the same thing my 6 & 8yo boys

they drive me nuts angry i can't find any punishment that works for them.  spanky has been outlawed in my state, time outs don't work. i'm thinking about making them write lines. 

Quoting proudmommy208:

Hello my name is Candice. I'm a proud mommy of three beautiful children. Im new here and was wondering if i could maybe get some advice.
My ten yr old is out of hand latley. Its getting hard physically, emotionaly, and mentaly to handle him anymore. I feel at my breaking point. Sometimes i even think to myself that it might be easier sending him to my moms to live. But im in fear that he would cause her stress. He doesn't want to listen. He does what he wants to. He talks and treats me like im dumb:(
He picks on his two youger sisters. Constantly argues wity my partner and i.
I feel like im stretching myself thin just to please him. While the rest of the family suffers. :(
Does anyone have any advice?


 


 

KJH78
by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 9:52 PM

I love the parenting technique of Love and Logic. They gave great tips on holdiing the  child accountable for their choices. I always run the comment Dr. Phil said that at 2 your're raising a teenage. So when my 2.5 year old is acting up it makes me push harder to get her back to listening while I can have more contol of her before she is bigger than me. I would take anything and everything away and make him earn it back. This is also a suggestion from Dr. Phil. He only needs a bed and nothing else in his room...nothing at all until he decides he will straighten up and listen. Now of course I would have a heart to heart conversation (in a calmer moment) and explain the rules and that this is the consequence. And once the rules are broken stick to it...will he get really really really mad when you follow through absolutely. But he has to learn now that you mean business. Develop your plan and go for it.

andreasmom02
by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 10:34 PM

Have you tried grounding him?... Taking away things he loves - ipod, computer time, video games, etc.?? My 10 yr. old daughter hates getting grounded, sent to bed early, and her electronics taken away from her for backtalk. To her that's the kiss of death...

Basherte
by Bronze Member on Jan. 31, 2013 at 2:30 PM
1 mom liked this


Quoting SlapItHigh:


Sorry, but not all of us look at meeting our children's needs as "rewarding" them.  Rewards and punishments don't work --- opposite ends of the same stick.  Science has proven this. Science has shown us what motivates people and one of the main ways to motivate a person from within is autonomy.  A 9yo needs that.  You can keep ignoring their needs and trying to motivate them through punishments and rewards but it will never work.  That mentality needs to be ditched as all it results in is a world full of people who only care what they personally get out of their actions.  Meet the need, change the world!

Quoting pegleg63:


He may or not be enterying puberty but even if he is that is no exsuse for unacceptable behavior. I see no reason at all to reward bad behavior with more freedom either!

Quoting SlapItHigh:

Puberty. He needs love, support, affection, along with increased privacy and increased freedom. 





I don't agree with this. 

I think the attitudes of a lot of kids really need to be changed. That the attitudes have gotten a lot worse. That a lot more of them feel entitled. I also feel that this behavior has come about since parents have stopped punishing their kids for bad behavior.

SlapItHigh
by on Jan. 31, 2013 at 3:40 PM



Quoting Basherte:


Quoting SlapItHigh:


Sorry, but not all of us look at meeting our children's needs as "rewarding" them.  Rewards and punishments don't work --- opposite ends of the same stick.  Science has proven this. Science has shown us what motivates people and one of the main ways to motivate a person from within is autonomy.  A 9yo needs that.  You can keep ignoring their needs and trying to motivate them through punishments and rewards but it will never work.  That mentality needs to be ditched as all it results in is a world full of people who only care what they personally get out of their actions.  Meet the need, change the world!

Quoting pegleg63:


He may or not be enterying puberty but even if he is that is no exsuse for unacceptable behavior. I see no reason at all to reward bad behavior with more freedom either!

Quoting SlapItHigh:

Puberty. He needs love, support, affection, along with increased privacy and increased freedom. 





I don't agree with this. 

I think the attitudes of a lot of kids really need to be changed. That the attitudes have gotten a lot worse. That a lot more of them feel entitled. I also feel that this behavior has come about since parents have stopped punishing their kids for bad behavior.

Do you have anything to back up your claims?  Because there are tons of studies showing otherwise.  Sure, entitlement by way of our over-materialistic society is an issue for many but that has nothing to do with punishments.  Has the OP given you reason to believe that she is entitling her son in such a way?  Or are just thinking that meeting a child's needs will make them entitled?  Are you one who believes that making a child happy is inherently wrong and that we must only aim to make them sad, even when it's us who has made a mistake?

If you think that there is any significant number of kids who aren't being punished for so-called bad behavior, you're mistaken.  Almost every parent does this.  What you are thinking of is the parents who just don't parent -- they don't teach their child right from wrong.  They give them material items and send them on their way, all the while setting bad examples for being a human being.  But even the maority of those parents still get angry and punish from time to time, if not more often than that.  Can you provide any sort of reference for parents who don't punish?   I can.   The parents who truly don't punish are in the very teeny tiny minority and I network with these people on a regular basis, including face-to-face regular get togethers.  These are parents who have done the research and have thought logically by applying the science.  The children are taught right from wrong and given support for developing the internal motivation to work towards wanting to do the right things in life.  These children exhibit behavior that is significantly better than the average child.

I would challenge you to think more about this and do some research.  Maybe you could try to explain how a punishment is going to teach a child and how they can develop good morals from such actions?

Basherte
by Bronze Member on Jan. 31, 2013 at 11:42 PM


Quoting SlapItHigh:



Quoting Basherte:


Quoting SlapItHigh:


Sorry, but not all of us look at meeting our children's needs as "rewarding" them.  Rewards and punishments don't work --- opposite ends of the same stick.  Science has proven this. Science has shown us what motivates people and one of the main ways to motivate a person from within is autonomy.  A 9yo needs that.  You can keep ignoring their needs and trying to motivate them through punishments and rewards but it will never work.  That mentality needs to be ditched as all it results in is a world full of people who only care what they personally get out of their actions.  Meet the need, change the world!

Quoting pegleg63:


He may or not be enterying puberty but even if he is that is no exsuse for unacceptable behavior. I see no reason at all to reward bad behavior with more freedom either!

Quoting SlapItHigh:

Puberty. He needs love, support, affection, along with increased privacy and increased freedom. 





I don't agree with this. 

I think the attitudes of a lot of kids really need to be changed. That the attitudes have gotten a lot worse. That a lot more of them feel entitled. I also feel that this behavior has come about since parents have stopped punishing their kids for bad behavior.

Do you have anything to back up your claims?  Because there are tons of studies showing otherwise.  Sure, entitlement by way of our over-materialistic society is an issue for many but that has nothing to do with punishments.  Has the OP given you reason to believe that she is entitling her son in such a way?  Or are just thinking that meeting a child's needs will make them entitled?  Are you one who believes that making a child happy is inherently wrong and that we must only aim to make them sad, even when it's us who has made a mistake?

If you think that there is any significant number of kids who aren't being punished for so-called bad behavior, you're mistaken.  Almost every parent does this.  What you are thinking of is the parents who just don't parent -- they don't teach their child right from wrong.  They give them material items and send them on their way, all the while setting bad examples for being a human being.  But even the maority of those parents still get angry and punish from time to time, if not more often than that.  Can you provide any sort of reference for parents who don't punish?   I can.   The parents who truly don't punish are in the very teeny tiny minority and I network with these people on a regular basis, including face-to-face regular get togethers.  These are parents who have done the research and have thought logically by applying the science.  The children are taught right from wrong and given support for developing the internal motivation to work towards wanting to do the right things in life.  These children exhibit behavior that is significantly better than the average child.

I would challenge you to think more about this and do some research.  Maybe you could try to explain how a punishment is going to teach a child and how they can develop good morals from such actions?

Punishments come in a lot of forms. Not all physical. I punish my child when he does wrong. 

I also am quick to praise him when he does the right things. Or accomplishes something that he has been working really hard to accomplish. 

I don't physically punish my child,for a few reasons. I do tell him "no". 

He gets time outs to calm down. My son is a very well behaved child. He strives to do the right things. To be social. Of course, my child isn't really the age group that I'm speaking about either. He's only 4. 

I'm talking about the teens. The ones who have never been told no. If those are the minority then I apolgize. I have seen more and more lately. Quite a few that have no respect for themselves, no respect for anyone else. Speak however they want, while murdering the English language. Yes, I'm not perfect when it comes to my speech, or typed wording. I'm talking about people who speak like they never spoke English before but were raised speaking the language. 

They disrespect everyone. Then expect to be treated with respect themselves.  


misymac
by on Feb. 1, 2013 at 12:29 AM


I agree with Pegleg63..

10 is a little early to start this behavior, usually it is around age 14.. You need to get to the bottom of this.. Does he have new friends? How is he with your partner?.. Look into Tough Love. org and I know today they say dont spank and he is getting to old to spank, if you can find this book it may help too  The Strong Will Child.  Good luck

Quoting pegleg63:


He may or not be enterying puberty but even if he is that is no exsuse for unacceptable behavior. I see no reason at all to reward bad behavior with more freedom either!

Quoting SlapItHigh:

Puberty. He needs love, support, affection, along with increased privacy and increased freedom. 





SlapItHigh
by on Feb. 1, 2013 at 1:10 AM



Quoting Basherte:

Do you have anything to back up your claims?  Because there are tons of studies showing otherwise.  Sure, entitlement by way of our over-materialistic society is an issue for many but that has nothing to do with punishments.  Has the OP given you reason to believe that she is entitling her son in such a way?  Or are just thinking that meeting a child's needs will make them entitled?  Are you one who believes that making a child happy is inherently wrong and that we must only aim to make them sad, even when it's us who has made a mistake?

If you think that there is any significant number of kids who aren't being punished for so-called bad behavior, you're mistaken.  Almost every parent does this.  What you are thinking of is the parents who just don't parent -- they don't teach their child right from wrong.  They give them material items and send them on their way, all the while setting bad examples for being a human being.  But even the maority of those parents still get angry and punish from time to time, if not more often than that.  Can you provide any sort of reference for parents who don't punish?   I can.   The parents who truly don't punish are in the very teeny tiny minority and I network with these people on a regular basis, including face-to-face regular get togethers.  These are parents who have done the research and have thought logically by applying the science.  The children are taught right from wrong and given support for developing the internal motivation to work towards wanting to do the right things in life.  These children exhibit behavior that is significantly better than the average child.

I would challenge you to think more about this and do some research.  Maybe you could try to explain how a punishment is going to teach a child and how they can develop good morals from such actions?

Punishments come in a lot of forms. Not all physical. I punish my child when he does wrong. 

I also am quick to praise him when he does the right things. Or accomplishes something that he has been working really hard to accomplish. 

I don't physically punish my child,for a few reasons. I do tell him "no". 

He gets time outs to calm down. My son is a very well behaved child. He strives to do the right things. To be social. Of course, my child isn't really the age group that I'm speaking about either. He's only 4. 

I'm talking about the teens. The ones who have never been told no. If those are the minority then I apolgize. I have seen more and more lately. Quite a few that have no respect for themselves, no respect for anyone else. Speak however they want, while murdering the English language. Yes, I'm not perfect when it comes to my speech, or typed wording. I'm talking about people who speak like they never spoke English before but were raised speaking the language. 

They disrespect everyone. Then expect to be treated with respect themselves.  


I've been primarily thinking of non-physical punishments this entire time.  I've only spoke of spanking when someone else mentioned it to me.  I assume that most of us are talking about other forms of punishments such as time-outs, grounding, removal of "privileges",   Physical punishment is generally the least of my concern (with the exception of actual beatings which are less common).  All of these non-physical punishments have negative effects and are incapable of teaching a child right from wrong.  Can you explain how a time-out can teach a child that what he did was wrong?

My youngest is nearly 4 but I have older children as well.  I will agree with you on telling children no.  Children should absolutely be told no.  When it comes to teens who have never been told no?  I would argue that such a teen doesn't exist.  A parent may eventually decide that it's too much work to tell her child no and that's a shame.  But that's likely ends up happening when a mother becomes frustrated at the fact that punishments and rewards do not work.  Our culture is failing not just children, but parents too.  Most of us have no idea how to teach our children, only how to punish.

Rewards are also harmful.  There is mounting evidence of this and there was even a thread recently from someone at CafeMom.  Praising children does not result in the outcomes that we think it does.  For example, one study found that when children were verbally praised for sharing with others, they actually became less likely to share in the future, when no one was around to give them the verbal reward.  Moral of the story?  Praising teaches children to do behaviors so that they can get rewards -- it teaches them to become selfish.  When they realize no one is around to praise them, they have become LESS interested in sharing than they were before the praise started.  Well guess what?  We aren't going to be standing above our kids forever, in order to praise them into acting the way we want them to.  Pretty soon, they'll be teens off with their friends and then adults on their own.  Who will praise them to get them to behave then?  No one!  


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