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IS IT RIGHT I AM LYING TO MY SON????

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My son is 10 months old sorry not 8, I met my boyfriend when I first got pregnant. His biological father don't want nothing to do with him nor me, he dont think its his son, we have not done a dna test, because I dont want him in the picture. I think he will be a bad roll model. My boyfriend has been a great daddy to him, but do you think I should continue with Mark(boyfriend) as his father or should I contact his biological father and give him a chance to be there for him and give Spencer(my son) the chance to know his father. I dont want him to get older and find out I have been lying and then hate Mark or worse hate me. So Please help me.. I have no Idea what to do!!!

by on Jan. 29, 2013 at 5:22 PM
Replies (21-30):
BLHSWH2012
by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 1:45 AM

I have known my boyfriend since we were real little, and we have been together for just over a year. And NO We are not using our son to solidify our relationship. We are doing what think is right. We do have plans to get married, sooner or later we will. Just because we are not planning to get marrie at this moment doesnt mean we wont be together forever. Some people have kids and are together for their whole lives with out getting married. 

BLHSWH2012
by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 1:48 AM

Yes, he knows. He told me he dont belive me and dont want a dna test done he told me not to bother with one and if I contact him again about it then there will be consiquinced. and knowing him, there will be. And to me I feel what I am doing is the right thing for him. 


Quoting MommyKir:

1. Does the fater know about the child? If not you have to tell him, he has a right to have a choice. 2. if he doesnt want to know his sonthen have him sign his rights over to your bf, and your bf can adopt your son. Suck u your own issues and do whats right for your child.



GabeAiyAra
by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 1:52 AM
I went through this same thing. I was 4 months pregnant with my daughter when my man & i got together. Her dad didnt wana have nothin to do with her. i asked him "will this be a decision u regret for the rest of ur life?" he said yes. i told him to just try and be there. We had his rights all put on paper & everything. he has not seen her since Dec 22,2011. It has been over a year. I am giving up. AT least she will always know that mama tried. it wasnt nothing i could control and when she sees that, she will know we did a good thing for her by giving her a daddy who loves and cares for her like she is his own. she will always have that "why dont he love me or want me" thing bcuz of her biological dad. i will tell her when she is old enuf to understand it all. I will never lie to my daughter & I will never keep her from any of her biological dad's family. She is theirs too, whether he wants to be in her life or not! She stays with her gma & papa at least one weekend a month & has absolutely no contact with her biological dad.

so, no, you shouldnt ever lie to your child. thats cause for them to resent or hate you. (grew up without a dad & was lied to about why) be honest. try with the other guy. you can always get supervised visits if trust or well being is an issue.

wish you all the best! :)
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
BLHSWH2012
by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 2:07 AM

Okay, So how would I go about contacting his biologiical father. Should I just pic up the phone and call him. or should I show up at his door step.


Quoting GabeAiyAra:

I went through this same thing. I was 4 months pregnant with my daughter when my man & i got together. Her dad didnt wana have nothin to do with her. i asked him "will this be a decision u regret for the rest of ur life?" he said yes. i told him to just try and be there. We had his rights all put on paper & everything. he has not seen her since Dec 22,2011. It has been over a year. I am giving up. AT least she will always know that mama tried. it wasnt nothing i could control and when she sees that, she will know we did a good thing for her by giving her a daddy who loves and cares for her like she is his own. she will always have that "why dont he love me or want me" thing bcuz of her biological dad. i will tell her when she is old enuf to understand it all. I will never lie to my daughter & I will never keep her from any of her biological dad's family. She is theirs too, whether he wants to be in her life or not! She stays with her gma & papa at least one weekend a month & has absolutely no contact with her biological dad.

so, no, you shouldnt ever lie to your child. thats cause for them to resent or hate you. (grew up without a dad & was lied to about why) be honest. try with the other guy. you can always get supervised visits if trust or well being is an issue.

wish you all the best! :)



GabeAiyAra
by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 2:15 AM
well, i had bio dads # so i jus told him that way & called to talk to him about it all & sat down 1 time with him (that didnt turn out well). phone conversations were best for us but you can do whatever works best. i was on ma thru the county cuz i didnt get medical thru work. they made me do the dna test 2 prove he was the father & then went for child support. but him & i went to court to do the custody on our own. it really depends on ur situation. but i would call him & tell him you want a dna testt done. if he says no, do it legally, thru the courts.


Quoting BLHSWH2012:

Okay, So how would I go about contacting his biologiical father. Should I just pic up the phone and call him. or should I show up at his door step.



Quoting GabeAiyAra:

I went through this same thing. I was 4 months pregnant with my daughter when my man & i got together. Her dad didnt wana have nothin to do with her. i asked him "will this be a decision u regret for the rest of ur life?" he said yes. i told him to just try and be there. We had his rights all put on paper & everything. he has not seen her since Dec 22,2011. It has been over a year. I am giving up. AT least she will always know that mama tried. it wasnt nothing i could control and when she sees that, she will know we did a good thing for her by giving her a daddy who loves and cares for her like she is his own. she will always have that "why dont he love me or want me" thing bcuz of her biological dad. i will tell her when she is old enuf to understand it all. I will never lie to my daughter & I will never keep her from any of her biological dad's family. She is theirs too, whether he wants to be in her life or not! She stays with her gma & papa at least one weekend a month & has absolutely no contact with her biological dad.



so, no, you shouldnt ever lie to your child. thats cause for them to resent or hate you. (grew up without a dad & was lied to about why) be honest. try with the other guy. you can always get supervised visits if trust or well being is an issue.



wish you all the best! :)





Posted on CafeMom Mobile
BLHSWH2012
by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 2:24 AM

Well, if he dont want it done, couldnt I just leave it at that? 


Quoting GabeAiyAra:

well, i had bio dads # so i jus told him that way & called to talk to him about it all & sat down 1 time with him (that didnt turn out well). phone conversations were best for us but you can do whatever works best. i was on ma thru the county cuz i didnt get medical thru work. they made me do the dna test 2 prove he was the father & then went for child support. but him & i went to court to do the custody on our own. it really depends on ur situation. but i would call him & tell him you want a dna testt done. if he says no, do it legally, thru the courts.


Quoting BLHSWH2012:

Okay, So how would I go about contacting his biologiical father. Should I just pic up the phone and call him. or should I show up at his door step.



Quoting GabeAiyAra:

I went through this same thing. I was 4 months pregnant with my daughter when my man & i got together. Her dad didnt wana have nothin to do with her. i asked him "will this be a decision u regret for the rest of ur life?" he said yes. i told him to just try and be there. We had his rights all put on paper & everything. he has not seen her since Dec 22,2011. It has been over a year. I am giving up. AT least she will always know that mama tried. it wasnt nothing i could control and when she sees that, she will know we did a good thing for her by giving her a daddy who loves and cares for her like she is his own. she will always have that "why dont he love me or want me" thing bcuz of her biological dad. i will tell her when she is old enuf to understand it all. I will never lie to my daughter & I will never keep her from any of her biological dad's family. She is theirs too, whether he wants to be in her life or not! She stays with her gma & papa at least one weekend a month & has absolutely no contact with her biological dad.



so, no, you shouldnt ever lie to your child. thats cause for them to resent or hate you. (grew up without a dad & was lied to about why) be honest. try with the other guy. you can always get supervised visits if trust or well being is an issue.



wish you all the best! :)







GabeAiyAra
by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 2:32 AM
you could. & if he didnt want anything to do with the baby, i would ask him to sign over his rights to the man that wants to adopt him. idk where you live but in minnesota, you have to be married & your husband has to be willing to adopt the child before they will let him sign his rights over..... but me being the woman i am, i think that if u lay down & make a baby w me, ur goina help raise the baby. if you dont want to be there, fine. but you will help financially. my child did not ask to be born nor abandoned. they shudnt have to suffer cuz the bio dad is a pos. so my daughters bio dad pays child support. he dnt wna c her tho. & like i said, when she gets old enuf we will tell her. & when my man & i get married (2015) he is going to adopt her & her bio dad will no longer have 2 pay 4 her. bt i hope the realization of having a baby girl out there in the world that he knows nothing about and does nothing for will eat him alive!

ANY BOY CAN BE A FATHER BUT IT TAKES A REAL MAN TO BE A DADDY! <3


Quoting BLHSWH2012:

Well, if he dont want it done, couldnt I just leave it at that? 



Quoting GabeAiyAra:

well, i had bio dads # so i jus told him that way & called to talk to him about it all & sat down 1 time with him (that didnt turn out well). phone conversations were best for us but you can do whatever works best. i was on ma thru the county cuz i didnt get medical thru work. they made me do the dna test 2 prove he was the father & then went for child support. but him & i went to court to do the custody on our own. it really depends on ur situation. but i would call him & tell him you want a dna testt done. if he says no, do it legally, thru the courts.





Quoting BLHSWH2012:

Okay, So how would I go about contacting his biologiical father. Should I just pic up the phone and call him. or should I show up at his door step.




Quoting GabeAiyAra:

I went through this same thing. I was 4 months pregnant with my daughter when my man & i got together. Her dad didnt wana have nothin to do with her. i asked him "will this be a decision u regret for the rest of ur life?" he said yes. i told him to just try and be there. We had his rights all put on paper & everything. he has not seen her since Dec 22,2011. It has been over a year. I am giving up. AT least she will always know that mama tried. it wasnt nothing i could control and when she sees that, she will know we did a good thing for her by giving her a daddy who loves and cares for her like she is his own. she will always have that "why dont he love me or want me" thing bcuz of her biological dad. i will tell her when she is old enuf to understand it all. I will never lie to my daughter & I will never keep her from any of her biological dad's family. She is theirs too, whether he wants to be in her life or not! She stays with her gma & papa at least one weekend a month & has absolutely no contact with her biological dad.





so, no, you shouldnt ever lie to your child. thats cause for them to resent or hate you. (grew up without a dad & was lied to about why) be honest. try with the other guy. you can always get supervised visits if trust or well being is an issue.





wish you all the best! :)











Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Kris_PBG
by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 2:39 AM
You need to make your commitment to each other before having him make a commitment your son to him, IMHO.


Quoting BLHSWH2012:

I have known my boyfriend since we were real little, and we have been together for just over a year. And NO We are not using our son to solidify our relationship. We are doing what think is right. We do have plans to get married, sooner or later we will. Just because we are not planning to get marrie at this moment doesnt mean we wont be together forever. Some people have kids and are together for their whole lives with out getting married. 


Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
SlapItHigh
by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 2:40 AM
1 mom liked this


This is a good point to consider.

Quoting Kris_PBG:

You need to make your commitment to each other before having him make a commitment your son to him, IMHO.


Quoting BLHSWH2012:

I have known my boyfriend since we were real little, and we have been together for just over a year. And NO We are not using our son to solidify our relationship. We are doing what think is right. We do have plans to get married, sooner or later we will. Just because we are not planning to get marrie at this moment doesnt mean we wont be together forever. Some people have kids and are together for their whole lives with out getting married. 




JTnJT
by on Jan. 30, 2013 at 2:48 AM

This is my suggestion....if your SO and you are serious, and he wants to be "daddy"....that is great, but before you do that these things (in my opinion) need to happen first....

1.) Contact suspected (I say that only as you stated there has not been a DNA test done, and I'm working off the assumption that ya'll weren't married...correct me if I'm wrong) bio dad....let him know there is a child, ask if he wants to have the DNA done.  Once you get the results....if it comes back that he is in fact bio dad....you have to give him the option of being in his son's life...you can't side swipe the bio dad altogether just because he isn't your "ideal"....too often men are accused of being a "dead beat" when in fact the mother has done something like what you are considering now...that isn't fair to a father who may actually want to be a part of HIS child's life....a right that should not be taken away by a  selfish mother just because now bio dad doesn't fit her "ideal"....he was good enough to lay down with....

If bio dad decides he doesn't want to be a part of sons life...have him sign away his parental rights.

If this happens....before your current SO adopts son.....get married...then go through the adoption process.

If bio dad does want his rights to his son....then SO and bio dad need to sit down together and find the middle ground that will allow both men to play a role in sons life

But once again this is all just my opinion.

 

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