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PTSD caused by Domestic Voilence

Posted by on Jan. 31, 2013 at 3:27 AM
  • 17 Replies

I am struggling, my life is in turmoil, somedays I am in control - sometimes I am nearly happy, though I am not sure I would recognise 'happy' anymore. Sometimes I am down, I would say - on my knees down,  but there is so  much lower one can go than that. Right now I am in the faking it till you make it act, (that is my public act) but at home, behind my locked doors, I can - just be - what ever that may be. I am safe. I can lie on my bed, ear phones on to block out the thoughts in my head, my eye mask on to hide me from the world - and I drift. . .

Blood & Cuts V War & Peace

I am thinking of buying a needle. The desire is building inside of me as my brain sneaks peripheral glimpses at the idea.   It's forbidden to think openly about such a thing - a needle - a vein - blood dripping. Slowly. One big, fat, dark red drop at a time. Drip. Splat! A pattern - a blood splatter pattern. A little, tiny, blood splatter pattern - so perfect, so unique. Another drop forms, builds, swells and . . . Splat! Blood. Red. Mesmerising. Perfect for pattern making. Perfect for disappearing into. Perfect for letting my ‘self' slide out of my body and slip gently into the side of the drop. I can feel it now - imagine the pleasure, the safety - I am hidden in a warm, dark red blob. It is alive, it holds me, clings to me - no one can see me here. A small secret smile forms on my mouth.

Forbidden thoughts! Don't think about the blood. Don't think about a needle.

Right now I use a scalpel. I cut patterns and words into my body then use tissues to gently blot up the blood. I have tissues in my desk drawer with my blood patterns on them. The blood changes colour as the days go by, becoming a rustic brown. It's cool. It makes me smile. The cuts on my leg are bright red and slightly raised. I. Love. Them. But they too are forbidden. But no one knows that I am doing it again. It is a secret. I don't want to stop. I like how it makes me feel. They are my cuts, my lines and my patterns. I own them. No one can take them away from me. It is my blood that slowly oozes out, swelling, and then gently running if I don't use the tissue to make blood patterns. It is my blood and my cuts.

But a needle. Just a little prick on the skin, a little sting and then blood. Dripping.

There. I thought about it. I looked the idea, the desire, straight in the eye, I can feel the tension easing - the forbidden is obtainable.

 

by on Jan. 31, 2013 at 3:27 AM
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Replies (1-10):
stacey571
by on Jan. 31, 2013 at 12:37 PM
Struggling with depression is very hard I did it for 18 years because of an abusive husband We are now divorced and sometimes I still struggle with depression I went and sought the help of a domestic violence counselor maybe you should try that
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goddess99
by Michelle on Jan. 31, 2013 at 1:09 PM

Therapy should help.

mmtosam06
by Bronze Member on Feb. 1, 2013 at 12:28 AM
Hugs mama therapy maybe
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Jenn8604
by Bronze Member on Feb. 1, 2013 at 12:34 AM
See if a local woman's shelter offers free counseling. It did here and I was able to talk to someone about my abuse by my ex. It was mostly verbal and mental but it started getting physical and he had threatened to kill me when I got out.
I was a cutter as a teen. That's no way to go. I talked to a friend who was also a cutter and we got help together. Please get help. You have at least one kid since you're on here. Do it for the kid.
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splatz
by Sarah on Feb. 1, 2013 at 2:44 AM
1 mom liked this
Yes I agree! Call a shelter. There are so many services available. I took art therapy, dv education, and parenting classes once a week at a shelter. There was also counseling available. PTSD is a very very common after effect of domestic violence. It doesn't make you weak or any less than anyone. Dont feel like you have to hide it. If friends and family don't know what is going on they cant be supportive.

Quoting Jenn8604:

See if a local woman's shelter offers free counseling. It did here and I was able to talk to someone about my abuse by my ex. It was mostly verbal and mental but it started getting physical and he had threatened to kill me when I got out.

I was a cutter as a teen. That's no way to go. I talked to a friend who was also a cutter and we got help together. Please get help. You have at least one kid since you're on here. Do it for the kid.
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blackfish
by on Feb. 1, 2013 at 7:50 AM

Your kindness hurts.

Thankyou for responding with such warmth and openess.

 

SlapItHigh
by on Feb. 1, 2013 at 9:12 AM

Do you have faith in God?

Jenn8604
by Bronze Member on Feb. 1, 2013 at 9:29 AM
1 mom liked this
I agree, do you? Because he is who got me thru. Without him I would have been worse off.

Quoting SlapItHigh:

Do you have faith in God?

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Janet
by Ruby Member on Feb. 1, 2013 at 11:56 AM

 Please get some help. There is help out there. You don't have to suffer like this. (((hugs)))

DixieFlower
by on Feb. 1, 2013 at 8:48 PM

I think it really varies by person. I know for the longest time I wondered "why" God had let what happened to me happen. What had I done that was so wrong that it was allowed to go on. It wasn't until I was in my 30's that I was ever able to get those thoughts resolved and the last incidence of DV had occured 25 yrs prior.


Quoting Jenn8604:

I agree, do you? Because he is who got me thru. Without him I would have been worse off.

Quoting SlapItHigh:

Do you have faith in God?



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