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***UPDATE*** I think this may be the end...(PIOG, long)

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Dh and I got married the day after high school, I was 18 & he was 20. He had been in the Marines for a year already, (he's still active). We dated for a year before getting married. We both regret marrying so young. I don't regret marrying him, I just wished we'd waited longer. Anyway, I moved to San Diego a few months after getting hitched. Moving in together brought out a whole new different person that neither of us had ever seen. Mind you, we had a long distance relationship while we were dating. I have a huge temper. When were arguing, I tend to be the one that raises my voice and throw stuff and/or slam doors. I realized he wasn't as affection as I thought. But, we pulled through and after 4 years of marriage, we had our first son. Everything seemed to be good. That is until I found out he was confiding to another woman about our problems. An old childhood friend. It got ugly for a while until we started counseling. We only did 3 sessions because he got sent to NC for some training. We never went back. I wanted to but he didn't. Somehow we got over it. We had a second son August of 2011. He left for his second deployment when our son was 4 months old. He came home last July. While he was deployed, he called me to say our next duty station was gonna be Hawaii. We both were excited. That is until we got here last Labor Day. Everything seemed to go downhill fast. We were forced to live out of a hotel for 3.5 months, so imagine how much we got on each other's nerves. He started hanging out with his new Marine brothers and I quickly took a dislike to them, or just one in particular. Our housing got delayed from December move in date to February. At this point, I felt like we were stuck in a rut. Then, I find out on the night of my birthday that he was having yet another emotional affair through FB. I read his messages to her and he commented to her on how beautiful she was and how her soon-to-be ex husband will regret leaving her, he even went as far as telling her that we don't sleep in the same bed anymore. (I was ebfing & co-sleeping with our youngest, PLUS he started sleeping with his cpap machine so it was just easier that way.) So finally I asked him if he still loved me and he said "I'm not IN love with you. That spark is gone." So of course that sent me crashing. I know that notion only lasts a few moths/years but it IS possible to reignite it, with both parties willing to try. He says that my temper has pushed him away from me. That he just doesn't see this going anywhere. I feel like he just doesn't want to be with me anymore and is afraid to say it to spare my feelings. I told him I will not be the one to file for divorce because I'm the one pulling both our weight to make this work. The ball is on his court. Here's the kicker: he is scheduled to deploy this summer to Afghanistan for a whole year! (Totally was not expecting this coming here.) he just told me tonight that sometimes he thinks to himself that I could find someone else that can make me happy. But I told him, I don't need someone else, I want him to make me happy! I don't know what to do or think. To me it seems like he's checked out. But like I told him, if that's what he wants, then he needs to take the next step, not me. I want us to work through it. That's probably just my pride. Anyway, thanks for reading. Any words of advice and /or encouraging words are appreciated. It's 11:45pm and I'm tired.

***UPDATE***

So, we've talked some more. He's flat out told me he doesn't love me anymore (he loves me for being the mother of his kids and he thanks me for that! Wow.) he doesn't see how he could l he could love me again. He also said he'll go with me to talk to the chaplain tomorrow morning, more because I'm asking him rather than he wants to go.

How would you ladies take this? As a glimmer of hope? Or just as a last resort?

I just don't know how we'll be entering this deployment. As a married couple still working on our marriage (and he says he'll only be doing it for the kids) or go into it legally separated. The military will pay to ship our stuff back to my hometown. And whenever he gets back, we'll see where we're both at. I'm at a loss.
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by on Apr. 30, 2013 at 5:53 AM
Replies (11-20):
MamaSnaps
by on May. 1, 2013 at 7:22 PM
2 moms liked this

You said something that is a key: you want him to make you happy. Therein is a huge problem. NO ONE but YOU can make you happy. 

He's very clearly stated what the problem is: Your temper. The ball is in your court. you can do something about that (which you have admitted to being a problem) and work at fixing your half of the deal. Then the ball would truly be in his court. You've fixed the problem on your part. 

If he is making no move toward a divorce at this point? I'd assume he doesn't want one but, doesn't know what to do to fix his turn off either. I'd say that is a good sign. 

I will tell you this: If and when you work past this point in the road (about the "7 year itch" point) the relationship does turn into something different and much more. My husband and I have been together for almost 21 years now and married for 18 of those. Back when we hit that 7 year thing it really was totally hopeless. We got through it and now I see so much more in us. I am more conscious of his needs for EVERYTHING than I ever was before the collapse. He is the same. He's become my "home" when something is wrong be it physical, emotional or mental. I used to want to hide out in my room if I was upset or depressed-now I depend upon him to just listen so I can work thru things. He never could have done that before-he'd have said "I don't know what you want me to do about it..." Nothing. I know he can do nothing. I just want him to listen and support me. Now he does. 
We didn't go through counseling-if we had it probably would have made the few years of hell go away much faster. We morphed into a different people with different focuses. Before we were all about our friends and family around us. Now we are focused on each other and in doing that we have made our relationships with friends and family so much more.
I am not overly religious so please don't think I am preaching to you... The bible says to  put your spouse first above yourself and your children and everything else in life. We immediately get our hackles up and say NO MAN will EVER come before my kids. BUT! It really does work. If your relationship with your spouse is great your ability to care for your children in a positive manner is MUCH better than it can ever be alone. There would never be a reason to have to choose kids or husband. Care for your marriage first and foremost. I know that I am a far better parent when my marriage is in good condition. I make dumb mistakes and snap judgements when that marriage is in rough shape. 
SO... Don't feel so much doom and gloom. Feel empowered-you have decisions to make about your marriage and what you want it to become. You have the power in your hands from the sounds of things. You can change it and thereby change his actions or you can choose to end it. The only right choice of the two is the one that is right for YOU. 

USMCwife0530
by on May. 1, 2013 at 11:35 PM
Thanks for your encouraging words. I AM willing to do what it takes to save our marriage. He on the other hand, says his feelings for me aren't there anymore. We're way past the 7 year itch. We're coming up on 10 years this month. We did hit a rough patch around that time, and we got through it. I just don't understand how he can't see we can still get through this.


Quoting MamaSnaps:

You said something that is a key: you want him to make you happy. Therein is a huge problem. NO ONE but YOU can make you happy. 

He's very clearly stated what the problem is: Your temper. The ball is in your court. you can do something about that (which you have admitted to being a problem) and work at fixing your half of the deal. Then the ball would truly be in his court. You've fixed the problem on your part. 

If he is making no move toward a divorce at this point? I'd assume he doesn't want one but, doesn't know what to do to fix his turn off either. I'd say that is a good sign. 

I will tell you this: If and when you work past this point in the road (about the "7 year itch" point) the relationship does turn into something different and much more. My husband and I have been together for almost 21 years now and married for 18 of those. Back when we hit that 7 year thing it really was totally hopeless. We got through it and now I see so much more in us. I am more conscious of his needs for EVERYTHING than I ever was before the collapse. He is the same. He's become my "home" when something is wrong be it physical, emotional or mental. I used to want to hide out in my room if I was upset or depressed-now I depend upon him to just listen so I can work thru things. He never could have done that before-he'd have said "I don't know what you want me to do about it..." Nothing. I know he can do nothing. I just want him to listen and support me. Now he does. 
We didn't go through counseling-if we had it probably would have made the few years of hell go away much faster. We morphed into a different people with different focuses. Before we were all about our friends and family around us. Now we are focused on each other and in doing that we have made our relationships with friends and family so much more.
I am not overly religious so please don't think I am preaching to you... The bible says to  put your spouse first above yourself and your children and everything else in life. We immediately get our hackles up and say NO MAN will EVER come before my kids. BUT! It really does work. If your relationship with your spouse is great your ability to care for your children in a positive manner is MUCH better than it can ever be alone. There would never be a reason to have to choose kids or husband. Care for your marriage first and foremost. I know that I am a far better parent when my marriage is in good condition. I make dumb mistakes and snap judgements when that marriage is in rough shape. 
SO... Don't feel so much doom and gloom. Feel empowered-you have decisions to make about your marriage and what you want it to become. You have the power in your hands from the sounds of things. You can change it and thereby change his actions or you can choose to end it. The only right choice of the two is the one that is right for YOU. 


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splatz
by Sarah on May. 2, 2013 at 1:52 AM

He has to want to make it work too or else its pointless. Counseling might help the situation. I know couples counseling won't work. But, you could do it individually.

Good luck!

USMCwife0530
by on May. 2, 2013 at 3:10 AM
BUMP for update!
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USMCwife0530
by on May. 2, 2013 at 3:11 AM
BUMP for update!
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USMCwife0530
by on May. 2, 2013 at 5:59 AM
Bump!
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MamaSnaps
by on May. 2, 2013 at 10:29 AM

Take it!!! Take it and do everything you can do if you want to save the marriage. If it doesn't work you will know that YOU didn't quit and that you did everything you could possibly do. Yes, it is a glimmer of hope. It's going to be hard work and your husband needs a little bit of education on how relationships work-loving you because you're the mom of his kids is kind of what marriage evolves into in a way. then you build all over again on that foundation instead of the mad romance and new sex part. That's where most people give up and say they aren't in love any more and it's over. They never get to the deeper love that is anything more than superficial and wrapped in a whole lot of lust and many of them never get there in their entire lives because they lose that SHAZAAAAM feeling and say "Eh, it's over."

This is where I look back now and think "well, DUH???? what did you expect?" Instead of young lovers you are now parents and adults. You are a different kind of person. It only makes sense that that love should become different too. Instead of fluttering hearts and stars in your eyes this is where it has to become deeper and MORE. Some people just never get that and it's sad because the NEW kind of love? Is so much better than the hearts and stars every day. 

BloodyAngel7476
by on May. 2, 2013 at 10:53 AM

 i agree with these women you need to find a way to be happy with your self no one can make you happy but maybe you can try counseling for your self to find out how to help with your temper. The only reason he says he does not love you anymore is because he feels like you have pushed him away and maybe he does not know who you are anymore. I have been with my husband going on 21 year in August we have had are ups and downs but we both fought to keep us together try to start healing your self while he is away and then find out how you can get him to love you like he did. it will not be a easy road but it will be worth it in the end.

goddess99
by Michelle on May. 3, 2013 at 9:25 AM

I wouldn't chase after a man who didn't love me.

MamaSnaps
by on May. 3, 2013 at 9:36 AM

There is the problem with todays world. We don't bother to work on a marriage beause it's all about ME and if he says he doesn't love ME the way I want him to? throw it away. Been there, done that.

Quoting goddess99:

I wouldn't chase after a man who didn't love me.


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