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20 Confessions That Show the Dark Side of Motherhood

Posted by on Jun. 11, 2013 at 8:29 AM
  • 41 Replies
5 moms liked this
20 Confessions That Show the Dark Side of Motherhood

by Jill Smokler 

Last night, as I often do when I should be doing something else, I got sucked into my Scary Mommy Confessional. It's been a while since I've shared confessions, so here are some of my favorite recent ones. Can you relate to any? I certainly can ...

1. My kids are getting on my nerves so badly that I wish I could open my closet and escape to Narnia.

2. Some days, the greatest sign of my love for my family is that I refrain from strangling them.

3. I bought my 9-month-old a pair of yoga pants. Apparently neither one of us plans on ever joining polite society again.

4. I eat ice cream out of coffee mugs so that the kids won't notice and I won't have to share.

5. Saw a loaf of bread sold at nearly $6 today, and I suddenly felt really really inspired to learn how to bake my own bread at home. And then I laughed and laughed and laughed like a crazy woman, right there in the bread aisle.

6. My 1-year-old was licking something sticky off the floor. Instead of stopping her, I let her continue because lunch wasn't quite finished and it was keeping her occupied.

7. Why, yes, I did just cuss at my 6-month-old, but he started it by getting up at 4 a.m. for the morning.

8. My son likes to show his toys to his penis. I think it's his best friend. I found myself thinking this morning, "I wish I had that kind of relationship with my vagina." I think I need a hobby.

9. I think I got carpal tunnel from Candy Crush.

10. I pretend to feel bad when my toddler prefers daddy. But secretly, I'm relieved. I like the break.

11. Currently covered in pee. About to give myself a baby wipe bath. Oh the joys of motherhood.

12. My kids all sleep in their underwear because no pajamas means that much less laundry for me to wash and fold.

13. I knew I needed a break when my 2-year-old son threw an empty 5-gallon water jug at me and I could so easily envision myself picking up the jug and chucking it back at him as hard as I could!

14. Inspector Gadget would be super impressed with how far my boobs stretch. If only I could use them to fight crime.

15. I mentally tell my 13-year-old to go fuck herself at least 20 times a day.

16. To hell with tea or coffee, I can't start the day without my vibrator.

17. I can ruin an entire week of exercising and eating well with one day of PMS and access to chocolate.

18. Nothing makes me happier than a $4 bottle of Pinot Grigio.

19. I sucked breast milk from my own nipple. Just wanted to see what all the fuss was about.

20. The dog pees to mark and claim his territory. I use Cajun spices and hot sauce to mark and claim mine.

Got a confession of your own?

by on Jun. 11, 2013 at 8:29 AM
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Replies (1-10):
CorpCityGrl
by Member on Jun. 11, 2013 at 9:49 AM

LMAO!

#10 - that is where we are now.  DH accused me of feeling bad and I flat out told him that this was the day I've been waiting for!

#13 - I've been tempted to something similar to DD, who is in the midst of Terrible 2's and on her way to the Horrific 3's.  She can try the patience of a Saint.

splatz
by Sarah on Jun. 11, 2013 at 10:23 AM
1 mom liked this
This made me LOL!
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
2Sparrows4ever
by on Jun. 11, 2013 at 11:01 AM
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Our oldest is married and completely on his own, I am counting down the years until I can claim this feat with our youngest, I WILL jump for joy when he turns 18 next year, just like I did with our oldest.
nelsjb
by on Jun. 11, 2013 at 11:02 AM
3 moms liked this

I can relate to 2 and 4, although I buy the ice cream they hate on purpose so I can sit and eat in peace without been bothered.

DanaG70
by Silver Member on Jun. 11, 2013 at 11:25 AM
1 mom liked this

 I hide candy in my craft table, just so that I don't have to share. I just found a box of Jr mint yesterday that I forgot I had.

I tell my kids I'm going to the grocery store when I'm really going on a mile hike, just so they will stay home and I can hike in peace. =)

Pammi86
by Pamela on Jun. 11, 2013 at 12:32 PM

This made me lol! I will confess that when my dd passes out in her car seat I like to go buy myself a treat through the drive thru lol! This way I do not have to have her taunting me for a bite and I can actually have something of my own!

SlapItHigh
by on Jun. 11, 2013 at 12:41 PM

I've done number 4.

MaliyahsMommy23
by on Jun. 11, 2013 at 3:04 PM
1 mom liked this

LOL I love this! I have cussed at my 6 month old after weeks of broken/not enough sleep. It happens.

goddess99
by Michelle on Jun. 11, 2013 at 3:17 PM

12 and 15 made me LOL. Pretty much!

DiANAiVELiSSE
by on Jun. 11, 2013 at 3:33 PM

OGosh!  get out of my brain!

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