by Jill Smokler
Last night, as I often do when I should be doing something else, I got sucked into my Scary Mommy Confessional. It's been a while since I've shared confessions, so here are some of my favorite recent ones. Can you relate to any? I certainly can ...
1. My kids are getting on my nerves so badly that I wish I could open my closet and escape to Narnia.
2. Some days, the greatest sign of my love for my family is that I refrain from strangling them.
3. I bought my 9-month-old a pair of yoga pants. Apparently neither one of us plans on ever joining polite society again.
4. I eat ice cream out of coffee mugs so that the kids won't notice and I won't have to share.
5. Saw a loaf of bread sold at nearly $6 today, and I suddenly felt really really inspired to learn how to bake my own bread at home. And then I laughed and laughed and laughed like a crazy woman, right there in the bread aisle.
6. My 1-year-old was licking something sticky off the floor. Instead of stopping her, I let her continue because lunch wasn't quite finished and it was keeping her occupied.
7. Why, yes, I did just cuss at my 6-month-old, but he started it by getting up at 4 a.m. for the morning.
8. My son likes to show his toys to his penis. I think it's his best friend. I found myself thinking this morning, "I wish I had that kind of relationship with my vagina." I think I need a hobby.
9. I think I got carpal tunnel from Candy Crush.
10. I pretend to feel bad when my toddler prefers daddy. But secretly, I'm relieved. I like the break.
11. Currently covered in pee. About to give myself a baby wipe bath. Oh the joys of motherhood.
12. My kids all sleep in their underwear because no pajamas means that much less laundry for me to wash and fold.
13. I knew I needed a break when my 2-year-old son threw an empty 5-gallon water jug at me and I could so easily envision myself picking up the jug and chucking it back at him as hard as I could!
14. Inspector Gadget would be super impressed with how far my boobs stretch. If only I could use them to fight crime.
15. I mentally tell my 13-year-old to go fuck herself at least 20 times a day.
16. To hell with tea or coffee, I can't start the day without my vibrator.
17. I can ruin an entire week of exercising and eating well with one day of PMS and access to chocolate.
18. Nothing makes me happier than a $4 bottle of Pinot Grigio.
19. I sucked breast milk from my own nipple. Just wanted to see what all the fuss was about.
20. The dog pees to mark and claim his territory. I use Cajun spices and hot sauce to mark and claim mine.
Got a confession of your own?