Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

should I tell her?

Posted by   + Show Post
I have a little problem so my daughter is almost 9 and when she was a year old her bio dad and I split up for abusive reasons, well he is a dead beat and has never been in her life or paid a dime for her. Well When she was a little over a year i started dating this guy and now we have been together for 8 and a half years but my daughter thinks he is her real dad and doesn't know a thing and I feel bad and think she has the right to know but my hubby thinks we should keep it a secret. He is scared that she is not going to love him as much etc. I think everything will be fine but I'm so tore. She is a huge daddy's girl and I don't want anything to change that
by on Jun. 10, 2013 at 1:44 AM
Replies (11-20):
by on Jun. 11, 2013 at 9:43 AM

 I've taught kids who found out or started asking questions later (in high school).  It often gets ugly!!  Tell her.

by on Jun. 11, 2013 at 9:54 AM
2 moms liked this

The truth will almost always eventually come out.  If she finds out when she is a teen or an adult she will resent you both terribly for hiding the truth.

You could tell her in an age appropriate way that she once had a differnt father but he isn't anymore because he wasn't good to you and/or her and make sure you let her know how lucky you both are that you found the man that was always meant to be her father.  

She will ask some questions now and will continue to ask questions as she grows up.  Give her very simple honest answers.  You don't have to volunteer anymore than she asks.  Trust me, she will more than likely figure this out some day or someone else will tell her and that will be devastating.

by on Jun. 11, 2013 at 9:54 AM
My sister in law dealt with the same thing her son is 3 but in the end my brother in law adopted him so now he thinks of him as his own but tell her eventually she has a right to know her roots and possibly meet him even if he no good he is still her father sad but true she will learn for herself hope all works out take care and good luck
by on Jun. 11, 2013 at 9:56 AM

 I agree.  My sister had two kids from different men, then met a guy and had two more with him.  She didn't tell her older two about having different dads until they started suspecting something when they were 13 and 12.  It caused a LOT of problems in their family.  Just about ripped them apart.  Find a gentle way of telling her, and counseling for her alone and for the whole family. 

Quoting SlapItHigh:

I think you should tell her and possibly get her counseling b/c that's going to be hard to take.  But she will find out sooner or later, that's for sure!  Better to find out sooner and from you than later and from someone else.


by on Jun. 11, 2013 at 9:59 AM
7 moms liked this

As the daughter of an adopted father who had a wonderful and undevided relationship with his family- they were always honest and always made sure to let him know that blood does not make families- it makes genes. My dad never looked for his bio parents. When his adopted parents died and he had the responsibility of taking care of their effects he came across his adoption materials and shredded them without opening them. I was there. I asked "Why? Aren't you curious where you came from?" I was 9. He said "I know where I come from, who raised me and who my parents are. These pieces of paper tell me nothing of myself." 

by on Jun. 11, 2013 at 10:00 AM
2 moms liked this

 My DD was adopted legally by my SO because of a similar type of situation (she has never met my xh & he willingly signed off rights) We told her right away that she was adopted because Daddy loved her so much that he wanted to be her Daddy forever. One day she will ask about her bio but until then I don't see the point in bringing it up.

by on Jun. 11, 2013 at 10:03 AM
I think you should, she will know who the true father in her life is and always has been. I wouldn't deny her the chance to get to know her bio dad though, she'll soon see what a dead beat he is.

Good luck to your family
by on Jun. 11, 2013 at 10:04 AM
3 moms liked this
Wow, this happened to me when I was little. My mother was in an abusive relationship and separated from him. She met someone else who I still call my father till this day, she met him when I was 3mnths old. One day my real dad came along and I ddnt know who he was. He was so angry that he screamed at my mother for not telling me. I was 7yrs old wen she sat me down and told me this. "ur father is the one that loves u the most that tucks u in at night and reads u ur favorite books, but ur dad is ***** he helped me make u, my special gift. I had to leave because he was always too angry. But now u have ***** and he loves u so much!" She gave me a hug and after tht I was content. To tell u the truth I ddnt care about my bio dad I cared about my father that,to this day I call him so.
by on Jun. 11, 2013 at 10:05 AM
2 moms liked this

Tell her!  My brother died when my nephew was young and then his mom remarried. He thought his stepdad was his father. He was about 13 when he figured it out and he was very angry for many years. 

by on Jun. 11, 2013 at 10:09 AM
1 mom liked this

I am with the others, she could harbor ill feelings if you keep it from her for too long. If you tell her now, by the time she gets to high school, it feel like she has known forever. 

And tell you husband to relax. I knew my dad wasn't really my dad from the start. He was my foster dad and I loved him all the more because of it. I knew that he made the choice to be my dad. And no matter what, through all the crazy stuff my bio mom pulled, he was always there for me. He will always have a special place in my heart. 

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)