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should I tell her?

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I have a little problem so my daughter is almost 9 and when she was a year old her bio dad and I split up for abusive reasons, well he is a dead beat and has never been in her life or paid a dime for her. Well When she was a little over a year i started dating this guy and now we have been together for 8 and a half years but my daughter thinks he is her real dad and doesn't know a thing and I feel bad and think she has the right to know but my hubby thinks we should keep it a secret. He is scared that she is not going to love him as much etc. I think everything will be fine but I'm so tore. She is a huge daddy's girl and I don't want anything to change that
by on Jun. 10, 2013 at 1:44 AM
Replies (31-40):
bethgoedeken
by on Jun. 11, 2013 at 10:54 AM

I'm in a similar situation. Except my husband legally adopted her last year. She was almost 4 and didn't really understand. We plan on telling her as soon as she's old enough to grasp the concept. I'd tell your DD asap.

la_bella_vita
by Silver Member on Jun. 11, 2013 at 10:59 AM
Quoting Janet:

The younger you tell her the better. When they get older they can get bitter when things are kept from them. That's my opinion.

I agree
rosie211
by New Member on Jun. 11, 2013 at 11:01 AM

I think she needs to be told. That is just me though. You both need to be on the same page with it and tell her gently in terms she can understand. She will not love him any less. 

Good luck!

You have gotten some great replies and I agree that she needs to know sooner rather than later. Wating until she is a teen or an adult will not be a good thing, I have personally witnessed how badly that can go. When letting her know the truth when she is young, she will be much more willing to accept it.

msmabern
by on Jun. 11, 2013 at 11:21 AM
Is better for her to hear it @ home than at the street or from friends or the biological father( they sometimes tell this kids when they meet maybe by chance)
happymommaof4
by on Jun. 11, 2013 at 11:27 AM

I say wait a few more years till she can fully understand. My two oldest children are not my husband bio kids but has been raising them since 2 and 3, they stopped seeing their sperm donner around the age of 5....we now have 2 younger children and they don't know anything. I am dredding the day they find out and we have to have the talk with them =( My older children hint every once in awhile about remembering going to the sperm donners moms house....but not much more than that. When they ask ,I tell them . But not in front of our younger children. Best of luck to you! group hug

AspensMama1537
by Member on Jun. 11, 2013 at 11:36 AM
I would be terrified the secret would come out! I am in a similar situation. My current husband even adopted my daughter, she now has his last name and he is on her birth certificate. I am still going to tell her about my ex. I feel she has a right to know. Plus if I try and hide it, if she does find out then she will probably be more curious about her bio dad. And the last thing I want is her searching him out!
Rosebud333776
by on Jun. 11, 2013 at 11:47 AM
The truth will set you free.
lyrafowlpotter
by on Jun. 11, 2013 at 12:40 PM


@Des10ed2b from the first page:  

definitely agree with you!  :)  Just because someone biologically is her dad, doesn't mean its her father.  :)  What you say is what I would say in this situation. :)

auburnnancy
by on Jun. 11, 2013 at 12:46 PM

Dear lord...tell her now.  Their emotions and identity go into a complete jumble at puberty.  She will resent you and feel like you felt there was something to be ashamed of for the rest of her teens if you wait to tell her later.  I am an adoptive parent and my kids have always known and are proud of their story and our story as a family.  Secrets destroy any relationship, but for a pre-teen a couple of years from now, we're talking life long scars.  Tell her NOW. 

Affinity05
by on Jun. 11, 2013 at 2:06 PM

My advise to you is definitely weigh your options. Depending on the abuse you were in, you need to be sure that the abuse would not be extended to your daughter if she was to be left with him. You and your husband should sit a talk together with an attorney and weigh your options because he may be able to adopt your daughter if he has been her sole provider. I would tell her and leave the choice up to her to meet him if she wants. She is not going to want to meet him right away because she feels she already has a dad. Give her time to decide on her own its not as bad as you think it will be. I use to be your daughter. I have two dads but the one thats always been there is who I call dad. My bio dad who I call by his name, is in the picture but only because I had siblings that I wanted to find and he was that link. I was able to find my sister which he has no knowledge that I found and we talk all the time, but its up to my sister to want to call and meet him. I found her about a year ago and she has never met him. I am 31 and she is 32. Your ex being her bio father doesnt make him her dad. She will always have that bond with your husband her dad and thats something no one can ever break. Good Luck to you all.

 

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