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should I tell her?

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I have a little problem so my daughter is almost 9 and when she was a year old her bio dad and I split up for abusive reasons, well he is a dead beat and has never been in her life or paid a dime for her. Well When she was a little over a year i started dating this guy and now we have been together for 8 and a half years but my daughter thinks he is her real dad and doesn't know a thing and I feel bad and think she has the right to know but my hubby thinks we should keep it a secret. He is scared that she is not going to love him as much etc. I think everything will be fine but I'm so tore. She is a huge daddy's girl and I don't want anything to change that
by on Jun. 10, 2013 at 1:44 AM
Replies (311-320):
by on Jun. 12, 2013 at 12:57 PM
What is the point of telling her?
by on Jun. 12, 2013 at 1:06 PM

im sure her birth certificate shows her bio dads name so she will find out. At 9 im not sure, but you should find a good time to talk to her. or maybe discuss the subject in a way that its not about her before telling her. maybe talk to her about different kinds of families and adoptive parents.

by on Jun. 12, 2013 at 1:14 PM
Why don't you watch a movie or read a book together as a family on the subject. Afterwards have a Q &A session about the movie/book. Then explain slowly that you have a similar situation with her father. I'm not sure if
this is a good suggestion but I think that's what I would do. I'm sorry you're going through something this difficult. Best of luck to you and your family. Counseling is definitely important.
by on Jun. 12, 2013 at 2:48 PM
Why do you want to upset the apple cart? What she doesn't know won't hurt her. If for some reason, in the future, if she needs to know then, tell her. Or, wait till she is at a more mature age, but for Pete's sake don't tell her now. It would rip her world apart. She definitely will lose all trust in you and your husband.
by Member on Jun. 12, 2013 at 4:14 PM

That's a very difficult thing to decide.  I was a child in the situation.  My real dad didn't really come around but I knew who he was though.  My mom married when I was 1 1/2 so her husband was the only dad I knew.  I think she is old enough to know the truth.  Your husband should be with you if you decide to do it.  You both can let her know that your husband will always be her dad and loves her no matter what.  I think if you don't tell her and the birth dad decides to come around 35 years later like mine did it may be rougher.

by Platinum Member on Jun. 12, 2013 at 5:10 PM

 Hugs...hope things work out...

by on Jun. 12, 2013 at 5:11 PM
Sooner the better we found out in late 20's that my sister and I have differnt dads she was so mad for a long time
by on Jun. 12, 2013 at 5:17 PM
1 mom liked this

My husband and I have been together for 5yrs. He and I met when our daughter was 9mons. She knows that she has another dad that she has never met but she still loves her Daddy (my husband). She is a Daddys Girl and will always be his little girl.

by on Jun. 12, 2013 at 7:57 PM

I went through the same thing. She figured it out when someone at school called her by her legal last name. She asked and we told her as much of the truth as we felt she needed. Instead of telling her it was because he was abusive we explained he just wasn't ready but that her daddy was and he chose to be there. I try hard not to say anything negative about him. My husband had the same fears but he understood it was the right thing to do for our family. Good luck and you can message me anytime.

by on Jun. 12, 2013 at 8:00 PM
Same here!! My son is five, but my dh is on the birth certificate aand has my dh last name...
Quoting musicNcaffeine:

I am doing the same thing. My son is figuring it out, but we are not going to say anything until he asks. When he asks, he'll be ready. That's just us.

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