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should I tell her?

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I have a little problem so my daughter is almost 9 and when she was a year old her bio dad and I split up for abusive reasons, well he is a dead beat and has never been in her life or paid a dime for her. Well When she was a little over a year i started dating this guy and now we have been together for 8 and a half years but my daughter thinks he is her real dad and doesn't know a thing and I feel bad and think she has the right to know but my hubby thinks we should keep it a secret. He is scared that she is not going to love him as much etc. I think everything will be fine but I'm so tore. She is a huge daddy's girl and I don't want anything to change that
by on Jun. 10, 2013 at 1:44 AM
Replies (321-330):
newmomma2011
by on Jun. 12, 2013 at 8:07 PM

i would tell her because she will be really upset if she finds out on her own she will still love her daddy cuz thats what he is her daddy nothing will change that i would just explin it just like u did just tell her he was abusive to u and for u and her safety yall had to leave and u now feel she is old enough to explain it 

Shay512
by on Jun. 12, 2013 at 8:24 PM
I'm in the exactly same situation my daughter is 10 and my husband been in her life since I was prego. It's so hard bc I'm ready to tell her but he feels exactly like your husband. I don't want to hurt him or my daughter but one day you will have to tell her (me too). Good luck with that momma I wish us both happiness with this. :)
Anthonysam
by on Jun. 13, 2013 at 12:07 AM
Hi :) I think tell her , only reason why I say that is she might feel like her whole life is a lie if she finds out and resent you and your husband the real dad later on .. Then the sperm doner will look like a saint and that's not fair to you or her daddy !! Good luck that's a hard situation :(
valley43
by on Jun. 13, 2013 at 3:48 AM
No wait til she is older
tiggzzz
by on Jun. 13, 2013 at 4:11 AM

The sperm donor doesn't matter. Your daughter is what matters. Her father doesn't have to be the sperm donor. Your husband has been there for your daughter and for you. That is what matters. If you decide to tell your daughter, she could use the famous, "YOU ARE MY REAL DAD"  against him in her teens. It will be hard either way, because she will probably want to know her biological father at some point. And is that what you really want???  If it was an abusive relationship, why put her through it??? It's your choice, but I would leave things as they are. 

BowlandBunchMom
by on Jun. 13, 2013 at 4:29 AM

My dad is/was a deadbeat. The only thing my mom ever told us was he loved us, but didn't want the responsiblity. My older two are not blodd to my hubby, but he did adopt them almost five years ago. My advice is to go to counseling with your husband to talk it out. Attend a few sessions, and maybe go to group therapy a few times before you decide. If it's anything like my situation, your husband will be hurt over time as well. He may feel like he can't measure up to the bloodline, even though your child thinks otherwise. The way I would tell her is, "God picked a daddy to make you and picked another Daddy to raise you".

princessshay27
by on Jun. 13, 2013 at 6:22 AM

When I was 10 my mother came to me & told me that my dad wasn't my biological father, rather it was a "family friend" that came around during the holidays to give me gifts. My feelings toward my dad never changed when I found out because he raised me & I knew how much he loved me. He never treated me in any way like I wasnt his child. He may not have created me, but he still chose me (well, my older brother & I anyways). You do have to do what is right, but I would suggest telling her the truth. I'm pretty sure she will react a lot better than you guys might think.

EFHerne
by on Jun. 13, 2013 at 7:43 AM
What we often forget to do as parents is put ourselves in our children's shoes. Thinking of them as 'our kids' seems to psychologically(and subconsciously) exempt us from the golden rule: do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

I was told 'white lies' growing up I'm sure to spare me difficulty, grief or heartache. But what started as secrecy in childhood segued into devastating truth as an adult. I was a 'darker' skinned child, believed I was Greek, raised in a wealthy, upper class town. As I got older I discovered the truth...I was illegally adopted and actually Native American Mohawk. I was blown away to finally hear the truth after decades of deception, and my future was shaky for years until I regained my footing and discovered who I really was. Starting your parenting career on lies, no matter how small, will only teach your child to do the same.

Avoiding telling your child if you had addictions as a teenager, a dark family history, or a grandparent with a criminal record are personally private matters left to maturity. Not telling a child who they really are...is stealing their history. Worrying a child won't love you if you tell them the truth is only guilt--they're transient, wasted emotions that never accomplish anything. Both will be moot points if your child resents you as an adult for years of dishonesty.

You or your husband's bad feelings should not dissuade you: always be honest with your child if you always want them to be honest with you.
HoldnHug
by on Jun. 13, 2013 at 7:51 AM
Two years ago I faced a young boy waiting for my son at a basketball game. He handed my son a letter, I knew this boy. It was my sons sperm donors other kid. They told this boy about my son n he wanted my son to know. little did he know that this school knew our situation w his sperm donor. But it was time to tell him, time to let him know the man he knew as his father of 15 yrs was his adopted father. We were honest we had court papers n proof of comments an statements from both sides for him to understand we did nothing wrong but protect him. My husband feared everyday as our son got older he would be hated but it was just the opposite. He thanked his dad after a few weeks to let it sink In but he came around.now the sperm doner wants to meet him be part of his life n my son wants no part of him . My son tells me every day. U did did it w out him 17 yrs today why do I need him now. Then goes wait not alone w my real dad bringing tears to my eyes. My son knows I'm doing well for myself w out my mother n my life. Thy had a choice to be there as they had a choice to make a beautiful child but they don't choose to be in their lives when they Want to. At 36 I'm a survivor w out a worthless mother.
So waitingimg til she is old enough to understand isn't going to hurt,yes we say let's respect our kids let's think of them well please do. When all this happened in them two weeks it took a big toll in his life where school got bad, staying away from everyone, not eating.. That isn't the blame of a bad parent juat them figuring out new life an wanting answers. So make sure when schools out n u have Time off that's when ull be needed for the, midnite talks.
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Lovingmommy1028
by Vanessa on Jun. 13, 2013 at 9:12 AM

yes i would tell her & be honest goodluck mama i hope everything works out for you 

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