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should I tell her?

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I have a little problem so my daughter is almost 9 and when she was a year old her bio dad and I split up for abusive reasons, well he is a dead beat and has never been in her life or paid a dime for her. Well When she was a little over a year i started dating this guy and now we have been together for 8 and a half years but my daughter thinks he is her real dad and doesn't know a thing and I feel bad and think she has the right to know but my hubby thinks we should keep it a secret. He is scared that she is not going to love him as much etc. I think everything will be fine but I'm so tore. She is a huge daddy's girl and I don't want anything to change that
by on Jun. 10, 2013 at 1:44 AM
Replies (341-350):
by on Jun. 13, 2013 at 11:26 AM
1 mom liked this

.My son is 4 and my husband adopted him when he was a baby...we will not tell our son until he is older and can handle the sitution or if he asks questions. I don't think you are lying to your  daughter at all! Your daughter has a father the other guy is just a sperm donor. DNA does not make a man a daddy and vice versa END OF STORY

by on Jun. 13, 2013 at 11:45 AM
You should of told her when she was younger. She might take it really hard now.
by on Jun. 13, 2013 at 11:52 AM
2 moms liked this

please tell her.  my mom married my dad when i was 2, she told me about my father when i was 12 after he had passed away.  i am 48 and still holding resentment and have trust issues.  great age to turn my world upside down.  i hold no ill will towards my dad, he stepped in when some men walk away and we have a great relationship.  it never affected the love i have for my dad, and i am always sensitive towards his feelings on the matter.  tell her your daddy loves her more because he chose her and that will never change.  she will know.  but she will never know where she is going if doesn't know where she came from.  in time it will all come out and hurt more, it always comes out.  when i had my daughter it all came over me again, i could never hurt her the way i was hurt.  best wishes!!

by on Jun. 14, 2013 at 2:14 AM


Quoting 20112012:

better that yoy tell her so she will not find out on her own or by someone else.....  

by on Jun. 14, 2013 at 9:31 PM

But if she finds out in some other way it may be even worse.  You should always be truthful with you children.  I can't say she won't be resentful or anrgy or full of questions but I'd tell her. 

by on Jun. 14, 2013 at 9:39 PM
I would tell her but you decide when, you def should be the one to tell since this is something that will have a lot of questions but not angry questions, lots of luck to you.
by on Jun. 15, 2013 at 4:24 PM

this is a tough one, but if you feel that is her dad, blood or no blood then there is nothing to tell will just mess up her head i think, cause if anything should have been said it should have been said long ago, now it would feel like a low blow to her and she might start to question EVERYTHING else in her life....but then again it could blow up, and dead beat bio dad coulkd show up so yeah....hard decision

by on Jun. 15, 2013 at 9:04 PM

Please discuss with your significant other about revealing the truth to her. Some choices have consequences that you may never be able to handle. The important thing is to explain that you both love her very much and will always be there for her. You don't know what the future holds or how it unfolds.

by on Jun. 15, 2013 at 9:24 PM

I wouldn't worry about it too much.  My DD6's BD (biodad) JUST got supervised visitation and after she went today, she came home and told my DH, who she calls Daddy- that she went to visit her 'fake' father today.  Out of the mouths of babes.  She is still DH's little girl.  They KNOW who their father's are, even if they aren't bio related. 

by on Jun. 16, 2013 at 11:41 PM
I am in a similar situation. I used to lose sleep over it on how I was gonna tell my daughter her bio dad wanted me to have an abortion and since I didn't he left us. But one night we were going thru pics in my computer and his picture popped up. And she asked me is that my dad? I panicked but I said yes and told her as gently as possible the truth. I was in love and that man didn't want to be a daddy so he left. But God loves her so much he sent a new daddy to her. She was 4 when she asked and she understand that my current husband is her real "dad" not the sperm donor per say. I told her my husband is the dad God sent her to protect and love her. I am sure she will have more questions as she grows older but the truth is out. I can sleep better and she is happier. I feel the sooner the better. Teenagers tend to be combative and not as forgiving and understanding. So my personal opinion is to tackle it early without going into gruesome detail or bashing the other person. We all make mistakes some bigger than others. I think it is easier when there is already a father figure in the picture. They deal with the "abandonment" better becaus there isn't a void there. In the end honesty is the best policy no matter how ugly the truth. Your child will respect you more in the future. They never understand the intent behind lying to protect them. They just see the lie.
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