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should I tell her?

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I have a little problem so my daughter is almost 9 and when she was a year old her bio dad and I split up for abusive reasons, well he is a dead beat and has never been in her life or paid a dime for her. Well When she was a little over a year i started dating this guy and now we have been together for 8 and a half years but my daughter thinks he is her real dad and doesn't know a thing and I feel bad and think she has the right to know but my hubby thinks we should keep it a secret. He is scared that she is not going to love him as much etc. I think everything will be fine but I'm so tore. She is a huge daddy's girl and I don't want anything to change that
by on Jun. 10, 2013 at 1:44 AM
Replies (41-50):
by on Jun. 11, 2013 at 2:11 PM
1 mom liked this


I definitely commend you for that and agree with you 100%. Don't think so much into what your daughter would think because its not as bad as it would seem. I found my bio sister about a year ago. Both of us were raised by men that we call our dads because they raised us. I met my bio dad when I was 25 and sorry to say I could care less for him but I had siblings I wanted to find. I found my older sister who has never met or talked to him and even a year after being in contact with her she still has not called our real dad and he does not know I talk to or found her. We are 31 and 32 and are content with the fact that we found each other. Yes as a mom it is scary because I am in a similar situation with my daughters dad, but it was a very bad situation. But giving them the option they will choose on their own and sometimes they won't go looking or want to meet him until they are older and feel ready. Good Luck to you as well.

Quoting AspensMama1537:

I would be terrified the secret would come out! I am in a similar situation. My current husband even adopted my daughter, she now has his last name and he is on her birth certificate. I am still going to tell her about my ex. I feel she has a right to know. Plus if I try and hide it, if she does find out then she will probably be more curious about her bio dad. And the last thing I want is her searching him out!


by on Jun. 11, 2013 at 3:00 PM

We told my dd when she was 4 the week before We flew back to where we lived when she was born. Incase we ran into her father. It never really phased her, but figured to tell her but if she asks I am already to answer.

by on Jun. 11, 2013 at 3:01 PM

I'm sure it wont change her idea of her step dad, and if she is a daddys girl she will stay a daddys girl. If she is asking questions or if you feel it is time to tell her, then go for it. Make sure you include that her real father is a no good loser, but youre happy he gave you, your daughter. And make sure to let her know, that her step dad will always love her and not treat her any differently now that she knows. Good luck! Otherwise you can wait until she is older, it doesnt seem like a rush for her to know or anything.

by on Jun. 11, 2013 at 3:05 PM

That's not going to change. I think you need to be honest here because how will she feel if she "accidently" finds out later in life. All you are telling her is that another man donated sperm to create her. The other man is not her father, your dh is. That wont change. Eventually she would need ot know for medical reasons and such. Did your dh adopt her? There could be other reasons too, like if something happened to you would he be legally allowed to keep her. She may be upset from not knowing but I think if you approach it righ, there wont even be that. Her love for the man who's been there won't change.

by on Jun. 11, 2013 at 3:06 PM

 My mom didn't tell me until I was nine. I was so mad at her and felt like she lied to me the whole time.

by on Jun. 11, 2013 at 3:10 PM

I am in the same spot my son was 1 when my hubby sign the paper that he is his dad. Well he doesn't know his real dad but he knows that he has another sister and a grandma and aunts and uncles that are not his sisters family. he is 5 now and He has 2 brothers who have the same dad and they are 9 and10 and noone has told him yet who his bio dad really is i dont know when or if i should tell him. he is really a daddy's boy and i dont know how he will take it. im sorry i am no help but aybe who gives u an amswer can help me too best of luck

by on Jun. 11, 2013 at 3:11 PM
I think maybe ask a few probing questions, see how she responds. I went through this with my step daughter when she was 4. Her maternal aunt, who I did my best to let have a close relationship with my kiddo (whom I have been Mom to solely since 4 months old and bio mom terminated her rights) blew that up for me. At first I was mad, since that wasn't her bomb to drop. But then I realized it made it easier. Lots of questions, but she knows I'm mom, and I chose to be mom because I love her. Good luck in whatever you choose to do!
by on Jun. 11, 2013 at 3:14 PM

I would not say anything until she is a little older. Sometimes rocking the boat too soon will make it tip over :-) Good luck with whatever decision you make.

by on Jun. 11, 2013 at 3:17 PM

I would tell her if she asks, but if not I wouldn't worry about it until she got a little older...finding something like this out at a young age is very confusing. I was informed when I was 7 that I was adopted by my aunt and uncle and was really confused as to what to call everyone. :/ That could have and probably did come from the way they broke the news though.

CafeMom Tickers
by on Jun. 11, 2013 at 3:19 PM
1 mom liked this

I had the same problem, except I left when I was pregnant.  I told my son this year, he's 6.  I was very careful about what terms I used.  For instance I never said DH wasn't his 'real' daddy, I said biological father.  I reinforced that Daddy was his daddy and that he would always be because he'd been around all his life.  My son did ask about his biological father's name and why he left.  BF demanded I get an abortion, I didn't tell my son that, I told him I left because he wasn't ready to be a father.  I also didn't give him a name, I told him when he's older we'll discuss it; I don't want him fantasizing about someone he doesn't know and may never know.  I'll help him find him if he really wants to once he's 17, and I'll tell him what really happened once he's older, but until then I'm not giving him anymore info.  

My DH's feelings really built up over the time we waited and it ended up being more of a problem for him than my son.  He would cry when we discussed it.  In the end my son didn't really care.  After that conversation his next question was about his brother. lol

My reason for telling him may differ from yours.  My grandmother is actually my step-grandmother.  My Mom found out from a neighbor child that her mom wasn't her biological mom.  (She guesses that their parents must have been talking about it and the child overheard.)  Her family never told her and when she found out she felt 'weird' afterwards about her mom because of the way she found out.  My cousin is the same way (his father, who've I known all my life) is not his biological father and I always thought he was.  No one in the family knows if my cousin was ever told so they don't talk about it.  

I don't want that secret from my son.  I want him to know what makes a real man and father.  It's not genetics, it's love and being responsible to and for the children you love.  I know it's a hard decision and one that can leave you laying awake at night wondering what you should do.  My decision for my family may not be right for you.  Just trust that your daughter's love for her father will not be dependent on whether or not her Daddy is biologically related to her and help her understand that love makes a family.

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