Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Losing your temper...?

Posted by   + Show Post

How often do you lose your temper, shout and/ or yell at your kids?  Is it a daily occurance in your house?  

by on Jun. 11, 2013 at 3:18 PM
Replies (11-17):
by on Jun. 12, 2013 at 9:51 AM
I used to have trouble with yelling when I was upset. But I got some help and became more skilled at managing my feelings. I began noticing my reactions instead of simply "being" them. This led to viewing my internal reactions of irritation/anger as "signals" that I'm feeling something painful or threatening, and actually feeling my feelings (instead of venting them onto others.) Now if I yell, it tends to be about being heard across a long distance (upstairs or in the backyard), not losing my temper. Or, it's because I'm overwhelmed and having trouble managing my feelings, and I can quickly own that and also be clear with my kids about what happened. It's not the painful cycle it once was, for me.

Anger is a defense mechanism! Anger is a way of avoiding (or externalizing) threatening feelings, or keeping them out of awareness. Our defenses form in childhood, when we NEED them in order to survive psychologically (and, in some cases, to survive physically.)

When I saw my anger that way and started practicing mindfulness (or greater "presence" to my experiencing in each moment), I became more open to connecting to what was going on inside me at those moments. Generally, if I felt irritated, angry or furious, there were underlying feelings of powerlessness or helplessness, and I was so defended against "experiencing" those feelings (which WERE threatening & overwhelming in childhood) that I didn't even feel them; I only felt the "safer" (other-directed) feeling of anger or annoyance that I could address outward.

Once I could connect to the feelings of fear, hopelessness, self-doubt, embarrassment, insecurity, helplessness/powerlessness, shame, self-blame (etc.) that are underneath anger (and underneath things like irritation, annoyance, criticism, blame), I could experience those primary emotions rather than venting the secondary emotion of anger. It hurts but it's no longer the threat those same feelings would have been in childhood. It is helpful in the moment because I'm no longer passing along unintended baggage to the people close to me, but it's also healing because each time I feel (instead of utilizing anger to escape feeling or avoid feeling), I process some of MY emotional baggage and it's resolved! There's more to process, but that particular wound is healed.

When our "buttons" get pushed as parents, we have an opportunity to heal something old that is interfering in the present---interfering with our flexibility and responsiveness in the moment.
by on Jun. 12, 2013 at 9:52 AM
For me, that's a lot different than "trying not to yell," or "trying not to lose my temper." (Which is what I used to do.)
by Sarah on Jun. 12, 2013 at 1:00 PM

I raise my voice more often than I would like. Actually yelling isn't very often though. 

by Platinum Member on Jun. 12, 2013 at 5:23 PM

 back and forth

by Gold Member on Jun. 12, 2013 at 7:41 PM

same here

Quoting goddess99:

I try not to yell daily. But that's about all I can say lol.

by Jennifer on Jun. 12, 2013 at 8:52 PM

No kids at home anymore so don't have to yell anymore.

by on Jun. 12, 2013 at 9:05 PM

 Definitely not a daily occurance. But I usually just have to raise my voice and they know I mean buisness.

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)