Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Mom to Mom Mom to Mom

i feel like there's something wrong with me

Posted by on Jun. 14, 2013 at 4:43 PM
  • 36 Replies
So ive been a tomboy for so much of my life i feel like i have forgotten how to be a lady/woman. Ever since i was young i didnt really like to hang out or talk to alot of girls because i did not want to deal with the drama, kaddy bull shit, so i hung out with mostly boys. i am 28 and df is 30. df and i have unfortunately been arguing on and off for quite a bit about the "stupid shit" i do/dont do. A little background on our situation..... i work a 45+ hour work week every week Monday-Friday from 530 am till 230 pm at the earliest. I am up at 430 am and am lucky if i am in bed by 1030 pm.... Most of the time i am usually going to bed between 1130 pm and 1 am. So needless to say byu the time i get home..... my brain is fried so to speak. Anywho (lol) He stays home with our almost 4 yr old ds. df had gotten injured on the job 3 years ago back in february and are dealing with lawsuits so he can not work legally, so he stays home with ds. However he isnt getting money from workers comp/the lawsuit . they owe him at this moment in time for almost 29 months. So we live off of my paycheck practically every week of $400-500, for the 3 of us for necessities, bills etc. dont get me wrong, just in general one of us staying at home is a huge lifesaver because we dont have to have that extra $1800+ expense every month. So the unfortunate stereotypical sahm role is reversed. He constantly begs me to "act like a mother/wife, act like a woman". Yes i do do some pretty stupid stuff some times but, sometimes i feel like he is just blowing things out of proportion. Just as an example, he ran out of gas yesterday about 2 minutes up the road from our house. ds was in bed already. I had brought our 2 dogs out for the last time before i was going to go upstairs to bed. When i took the dogs outside to go to the bathroom and move our other vehicle, df tries calling me to come and bring him gas. Of course i dont hear/know hes calling till i go back inside the house with the dogs (a matter of 5 minutes if that) and when i answer the phone, hes flipping out at me saying that whenever he needs to get in touch with me he never can when he is not home. Now besides running out of gas yesterday (hes says) with in the past year just in vehicle related incidents i am 3 for 3 in not answering on the first call.... more like the 3 or 4th call. He continues to say that i dont ever think ahead or that i just dont care. That he is sick and tired of being the "bitch" and sick of me being such a "dude". I never used to be this way, i used to think ahead as to what i was doing/going to do, courteseous, etc. Theres times where i feel like i am a complete fuck up and cant do anything right. Now personally thinking back on it now i think in a sense it was my ex prior to df that so to speak screwed me in this department, because he was a careless fuck that i was unfortunately with for 6 years. Sometimes i wish that i could just call my mom to talk to for advise or support but she passed away 7 years ago. I unfortunately though recently really had a smack in the face of reality, when i realized besides my mom, yes i do(and df does as well) have family (none closer than an hour away), so our support system is kind of really shitty. But anyways, yes i do have family that does care alot about me and ds, but no matter what, in a way, noone really gives a shit about me. I dont have anyone but my df to count on and he is so fed up with always arguing about the same ish, that if it gets to the point where hes completely fed up to the point that he "hates me and just wants to get as far away as possible" i am screwed, because i have nothing. after my mom passed away, me and df getting together and the birth of ds everything other than that i have either lost or has gone to shit. sorry for ranting/venting .... i am just at a complete loss any advise is appreciated.

Eta: one more add on question..... how do you all divey up household chores without it being almost completely one sided?

Wow!!!!! I wake I'll and find out I'm a featured post! Wow! How cool :-P
by on Jun. 14, 2013 at 4:43 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
goddess99
by Michelle on Jun. 14, 2013 at 9:09 PM
1 mom liked this

No real advice, you're taking care of our family. He can check the gas gage before he takes off.  He's probably sick of being at home.

Janet
by Ruby Member on Jun. 15, 2013 at 12:34 PM
1 mom liked this

Nothing is wrong with you! You are supporting your family all by yourself. He probably is sick of being home and taking it out on you.

Karopie_99
by Member on Jun. 15, 2013 at 1:54 PM
2 moms liked this
He's probably depressed staying home all day long. I know it drives me batty, but daycare cost would be my weekly paycheck. Maybe on your days off dress a little more girlish? Do your hair? Put on some light makeup? My SO and I hav been together for 5.5 yrs. I've always been a tomboy. I'm a baggy shirt and jeans kinda girl. I don't dress up unless I have to. Maybe he feels upset because he wants to work and contribute to the household? Is it YOUR money or does he have a right to spend if he wants/needs. Or does he have to ask you for money. Maybe he feels some independence is gone because he doesn't provide.
btherese
by on Jun. 15, 2013 at 2:05 PM
1 mom liked this

Yes, agree with all of the above posts. Men's identity tend to be in their career/job. He is feeling insecure without that identity. It's totally not your fault the roles are reversed. You can still defer to him as the man of the house for big decisions, or share them equally, without either one of you losing yourself. He just needs reassurance that he's still the man, but he may also be insecure about your relationship, too, so give him some extra attention.

BratPunk
by Member on Jun. 15, 2013 at 2:34 PM
He does have full access money wise as the bank account is in both our names and has his own debt card too.... we've been together about the same amount of time by will be 6 years.... we've known each other since we were 13.... so its not like the whole tomboy thing should be a shock...I guess in a way he feels/thinks I should/would have grown out of it after having ds....
Quoting Kaiopie_99:He's probably depressed staying home all day long. I know it drives me batty, but daycare cost would be my weekly paycheck. Maybe on your days off dress a little more girlish? Do your hair? Put on some light makeup? My SO and I hav been together for 5.5 yrs. I've always been a tomboy. I'm a baggy shirt and jeans kinda girl. I don't dress up unless I have to. Maybe he feels upset because he wants to work and contribute to the household? Is it YOUR money or does he have a right to spend if he wants/needs. Or does he have to ask you for money. Maybe he feels some independence is gone because he doesn't provide.
Karopie_99
by Member on Jun. 15, 2013 at 2:59 PM

Quoting BratPunk:



Have you talked to him about it? Maybe with him being home day in and day out he's bored and that little change could get him out of a funk feeling? I know when things get routine I have to change it up because I get bored. I have an almost 12yr old son, 5yr old dd a 21 month old dd and currently 21 weeks along with our last. So our house is less than boring, there's always chaos anytime of the day. But its the same chaos and I change things up so it doesn't feel so mundane. Kwim? Maybe he isn't looking for you to change, as he should love you for you! And I'm sure he does :) but maybe he's lookin for the little spark, that simple change to get his gears going. Idk either of you, or how everything is. Just putting things out there. Maybe eventually hit the nail on the head lol
BratPunk
by Member on Jun. 15, 2013 at 3:16 PM
True :-)
BratPunk
by Member on Jun. 15, 2013 at 3:25 PM
could it be too that I'm just more touchy now as I am trying to quit smoking cigarettes. As of now I've gotten down to half-3/4 the amount I used to and recently been feeling chubby :-/
kgsharber
by on Jun. 15, 2013 at 3:42 PM

Tell him to quite being so damn bitchy. Geez, I couldn't handle someone that had that much drama all the time!

dreamalong
by on Jun. 15, 2013 at 4:43 PM
2 moms liked this

My first response is that he is unreasonable in expecting you to always be on call when heneeds you.  You also need him, but you accept his deficiencies.   He is expecting you to work, be on call, etc., etc.,

It is obvious that the 'honeymoon' has worn off and the realities of raising a family take priority.

You are working too much and all couples need an occasional date night without the kids.  I know that some churches offer mother's days off, etc., there may be some community agencies, or service organzations, since your parents or his parents are not around. 

Are their neighbors that can trade off; both of you watch their kids and give them a night out; they do it for you.  You both need to find resources.

You both first need to talk and stop the blaming -- realize it is the situation.  The violent language tends to lead to violence and do you want to raise your kids in a violent environment?

Maybe you do need to occasionally put the kids in day care for relief for both you and him.

I was raised in a kind of tomboy environment, butit makes me no less a woman.  I do not consider my feminime side as my strong side; but my 'thinking like a man' side as my more dominent side.  I'm a problem solver.  What's wrong with a problem solver?  My ex, whom I stayed with for 23 years, was always a problem bringer upper.  He HATED that I focused on solutions!

Fell good about the qualities about you that may not be feminine, but are strong life skills!

You should be happy with who you are!  You are strong, you have solutions.  Many men do find that intimidating; but it's not a negative quality.

I am not the kind of woman who spends hours getting dressed; I'm always ready early, I can wake up and be dressed to go in 5 minutes, alert, ready, etc.  I can shower in two minutes.   Very anti-feminine!  But I see the strengths in the skills I have and they make me successful  My spouse should accept me as I am!

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

close Join now to connect to
other members!
Connect with Facebook or Sign Up Using Email

Already Joined? LOG IN