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Need advice. At a road block.

Posted by on Jul. 16, 2013 at 1:52 PM
  • 5 Replies

My name is Kaycee and I am the mother of a 3 year old boy. 

I just recently started dating this wonderful guy a little over 2 months ago. Things are going great! Couldn't be more in love with him. Anyway...he has an 8 year old daughter. Her and my son get a long great! Already acting like siblings :) the only issue that we're having is with his daughter. She's having a hard time with sharing her dad's affection with me. She's wanting more attention then she has ever wanted from him before. I talked to him about it and asked if he was spending less time with her and he said no. Everything's the same except now I'm in the picture. So instead of him just sitting on the couch watching a movie and her in her room doing her thing, I'm out there on the couch too and she feels left out. We include her in everything and try to make sure she doesn't feel left out. But she's super clingy, more so than she ever has been before. She cries about everything. Things she's never cried about before. She'll ask for a juice box and he'll tell her no and she just has this break down. Or she'll want to play with him and he's just not in the mood or exhausted from working all day and he'll tell her not right now and she runs to her room bawling. I don't know what to do. I feel like this is all my fault. That the loving, awesome relationship they had before is crumbling and I'm the reason for it. His daughter says she just wants to spend time with him. That's basically what it comes down to. He'll talk with her and when it gets down to it, she just wants to spend more time with him. He tells her that he isn't spending less time, she's just wanting more. And she realizes she's being ridiculous sometimes and over exaggerating things. She just doesn't know how to cope with it. 

I guess I should also mention that my boyfriend has been divorced for 6 years. And that I'm his first serious relationship since. His ex-wife is barely in the picture which is part of the issue too. His daughter misses her mom. But mom doesn't seem to care a whole lot. See's her maybe once a month. She's also engaged to some other guy and has 2 kids with him. I think its hard for her to see me with my son. He always has his mom. But he also doesn't have his dad. She doesn't understand that though. 

I guess I'm asking for advice on how to deal with this. More so not on my part. More so on my boyfriends part. He can't take the crying and clingyness anymore and he's starting to stress out about it. He's at a loss on how to deal with it. I need help!!

by on Jul. 16, 2013 at 1:52 PM
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Replies (1-5):
cindilou13
by on Jul. 16, 2013 at 2:11 PM

Try to make sure to set aside time for just him to spend with his daughter.  He can take her to do something fun, or just have that movie night of just him and her.  You can do something with your son at the same time, just a different location.  You could also try, if she's not seeing her mom much, just her and you doing something fun. She's adjusting to a new situation that sounds like it's moved fairly quickly-not that that's bad, just an adjustment. Even though she mentally understands it why she feels this way, she's young enough that understanding doesn't necessarily fix it.  Growing the 4 of you together is fine and it's great that she and your DS get along.  But she's missing that time with just her and her Dad so you need to make an effort to make sure she still has that.  

Me, hubby, and kids spend the majority of our non-work time together.  But me and my DS (8) are also movie buddies-just him and I will go to a movie together while DH takes DD (5) somewhere.  Or at home me and DD will pop in a cartoon and have a pedi party while DH and DS play a video game.  Time with just one parental figure is good, and helps the parent bond with the child as individuals.  intergrating into a family doesn't mean it ALWAYS has to be all 4 of you or you ALWAYS have to be with him.

goddess99
by Michelle on Jul. 16, 2013 at 2:17 PM

He needs to do things with her without you. This is a huge change for her and 2 months is not very long. You may be in love but she's not. Good luck!!

splatz
by Sarah on Jul. 16, 2013 at 2:26 PM

I agree. 2 months is a REALLY short time to involve kids. Its going to take her awhile to get used to the fact that you guys are together. This is why its so important to take things slow when kids are involved. You just need to give her time to come around. Maybe back off for awhile so they have more time to spend together?

Quoting goddess99:

He needs to do things with her without you. This is a huge change for her and 2 months is not very long. You may be in love but she's not. Good luck!!


ILoveBeingAMom1
by on Jul. 16, 2013 at 3:12 PM


Absolutely!! 

Quoting cindilou13:

Try to make sure to set aside time for just him to spend with his daughter.  He can take her to do something fun, or just have that movie night of just him and her.  You can do something with your son at the same time, just a different location.  You could also try, if she's not seeing her mom much, just her and you doing something fun. She's adjusting to a new situation that sounds like it's moved fairly quickly-not that that's bad, just an adjustment. Even though she mentally understands it why she feels this way, she's young enough that understanding doesn't necessarily fix it.  Growing the 4 of you together is fine and it's great that she and your DS get along.  But she's missing that time with just her and her Dad so you need to make an effort to make sure she still has that.  

Me, hubby, and kids spend the majority of our non-work time together.  But me and my DS (8) are also movie buddies-just him and I will go to a movie together while DH takes DD (5) somewhere.  Or at home me and DD will pop in a cartoon and have a pedi party while DH and DS play a video game.  Time with just one parental figure is good, and helps the parent bond with the child as individuals.  intergrating into a family doesn't mean it ALWAYS has to be all 4 of you or you ALWAYS have to be with him.



MistressMinerva
by Jennifer on Jul. 16, 2013 at 4:01 PM

Totally agree.

Quoting cindilou13:

Try to make sure to set aside time for just him to spend with his daughter.  He can take her to do something fun, or just have that movie night of just him and her.  You can do something with your son at the same time, just a different location.  You could also try, if she's not seeing her mom much, just her and you doing something fun. She's adjusting to a new situation that sounds like it's moved fairly quickly-not that that's bad, just an adjustment. Even though she mentally understands it why she feels this way, she's young enough that understanding doesn't necessarily fix it.  Growing the 4 of you together is fine and it's great that she and your DS get along.  But she's missing that time with just her and her Dad so you need to make an effort to make sure she still has that.  

Me, hubby, and kids spend the majority of our non-work time together.  But me and my DS (8) are also movie buddies-just him and I will go to a movie together while DH takes DD (5) somewhere.  Or at home me and DD will pop in a cartoon and have a pedi party while DH and DS play a video game.  Time with just one parental figure is good, and helps the parent bond with the child as individuals.  intergrating into a family doesn't mean it ALWAYS has to be all 4 of you or you ALWAYS have to be with him.


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