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My husband blames me for everything

Posted by on Jul. 18, 2013 at 3:01 PM
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Perhaps blame isn't the right word. But it seems like every decision we make, he puts it on me. Example: his parents will invite us for the weekend. We will decide to just go for a day trip. He will tell his mother "We're just going to come up for the day. Tara (me) doesn't want to spend the night.

or if someone asks him to hang out with them, he'll say "Tara wanted to go out for dinner tonight". He decided with me to go out to eat and where we were going to eat!

I mean, he does defer to what I want to do a lot, but it's not like he doesn't have any say in what we do! We decide on things together. He makes it sound like I boss him around all the time!

The only thing I can come up with is that he doesn't want people to be mad at him so he puts it all on me. It's just irritating because I feel like everyone in his life sees me as this bossy nag machine. I can just see his parents thinking that he would've gone to visit for the whole weekend but his evil wife doesn't like her inlaws.

I mentioned this to him and he was like "But you didn't want to go" and I'm like "but you didn't want to go either!" And his mom has a 30 year history with him, I'm still new and she doesn't have to like me! He said he'd try to stop, but we'll see.


by on Jul. 18, 2013 at 3:01 PM
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by on Jul. 18, 2013 at 3:10 PM
My so does that too! :(
by on Jul. 18, 2013 at 3:13 PM
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Now that he is aware of the behavior, gently point it out when he does it.  But not in front of people, or he may get defensive.  "DH, we had talked about this decision together.  It is OK to tell so-and-so that WE made plans and WE made this decision, instead of making it sound like I boss you around."

You do have hope: He said he'd try to stop.  Hold him to it.

by Michelle on Jul. 18, 2013 at 3:15 PM
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That would be annoying, hope that behavior stops soon.

by on Jul. 18, 2013 at 5:43 PM
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I would be annoyed too! Do it to him and see how he likes it lol!

by on Jul. 18, 2013 at 8:58 PM
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I understand why it's upsetting to you and totally understand how it makes it sound like he's throwing you under the bus or making you out to be the bad guy.

However . . . Guys thought processes and communication skills are often so different from ours.  So, unless he is generally a jerk or demeaning to you in other situations or he sounds like he's actually disappointed or upset when he says it . . . Chances are good that its nothing more than a different communication style . . . a bad habit in his spoken language, like people who say "like" all the time or mispronouce certain words.  He likely doesn't mean anything negative by it or even realize that he phrases it that way.  In his mind it probably sounds like. . . 

"Tara wants to just come down for the day (and she's my number one priority now, so her wishes override your request without me even giving it a second thought because her wish is my wish)".

Or, "Tara wants to go,out to dinner tonight (and since its not just me anymore I can't just change my plans on a whim, I have a wonderful wife whose wishes I want to honor)".

He doesn't hear it as "blame" so much as simply stating what he's thinking in terms of his "priorities".  Your wishes take priority to their request.  He's not accepting their invitation because he already has plans with you.  You are the priority in his mind, therefore your name is what he says.

Even just the use of the word "we" when he's speaking may still be new enough that its just not automatic for him yet. Its not intentional, just a difference in how he processes and communicates what he's thinking.  Men are generally pretty simple in their language skills.  

Now, I agree with you in that his Mom, and likely some of your friends, will "hear" that very differently.  So it is something that you need to point out to him and encourage him to work on.  Try to remind him ahead of time when you think,the situation will come up (like when he's getting on the phone with his Mom).  Remind him to phrase joint decisions as "we" (gently, without belittling him or fussing). Also make sure he knows that if he's really not happy with a decision or wants to consider a new option, that it's perfectly ok and he just needs to tell the person, "Let us discuss that and get back to you".  Make sure he knows that you honestly don't expect your opinion to override everything else in the world.  (If you do think he's actually disappointed that he can't do things or that he's feeling overpowered in the decision making process, then by all means hear what he's saying and work to fix that.)

My point is, that while this is something that he needs to work on, if you don't sense actual disappointment, resentment, hostility, or oppression in his voice, then please give him the benefit of the doubt that he's not intentionally setting you up as the bad guy.  Work from the standpoint that it's an unintentional communication habit that he needs to work on.  Don't assume ill-will on his part, when there likely isn't any.  It's probably just an unconscious habit that he needs to break.  Work on the problem for what it really is.  Don't add more to it than what really exists.

by on Jul. 18, 2013 at 10:00 PM

Thanks for your response! And no, he's not a demeaning jerk.

by on Jul. 18, 2013 at 10:15 PM
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You are very welcome (and that's what I figured).

 I've been blessed with my wonderful husband for over 20 years now.  One thing that I had to learn, and that I see other new wives struggle with, is reading way more into things than is really there.  Assuming ill-will in a situation that's really just oversight.  In a lot of situations, we analyze the situation to death.  Why does he do that?  What does he mean by it?  Does he feel/think XYZ?  And the truth is, the man is completely oblivious that he's even doing it.  LOL  It's an easy trap to fall into and one that can cause a lot of unnecessary hard feelings and overreations to a situation.  Good luck! :) 

Quoting Indiemom880:

Thanks for your response! And no, he's not a demeaning jerk.


by Ruby Member on Jul. 18, 2013 at 11:39 PM
I hope he does work on that for you. It's not fair to you.If he doesn't keep on him.
by on Jul. 20, 2013 at 5:11 AM

know the feeling. It might take a few convo's about this subject and some, reminders in the moment to get him to kick the habit.

by on Jul. 21, 2013 at 2:04 AM
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He needs to man up for his own actual answers and be truthful and not make you the person he uses for excuses he cant man up to himself.  Call your inlaws and explain to them what he is doing and that he is making decisions for you.  if it doesnt stop i would go to marriage counseling.

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