Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Mom to Mom Mom to Mom

My husband and I are no longer on the same page!

Posted by   + Show Post

My DH and I have the same views and values and mostly agree on how we are raising our children.

Lately, he is being more lax with the rules. While, I don't think everything should be a battle, we have very clear defined rules in our home for our children as well as clear consequences.

I think that him being lax is sending the wrong message to our youngest son, who seems to think he can get away with anything now, while I am trying to not let things get out of hand. Give a child an inch and they will try and take a mile. His response "little boys need to run wild" sometimes.

Are you and your DH/SO on the same page when it comes to the kids or do you argue about how to raise/discipline them? 

How do you resolve this issue?


by on Jul. 22, 2013 at 12:01 PM
Replies (21-30):
Reina13
by Bronze Member on Jul. 23, 2013 at 2:23 PM

My DH works out of town a lot, so I spend more time with them than my DH does, that is why we came up with the system we have in place now to begin with. Now he wants to be lax. 

Quoting Rach0307:

We pretty much agree, but DH has had lax moments like that. I'm a SAHM and he's in the military, so he won't always be there and I will. I told him that if he doesn't continue to enforce the rules while he's home (which we both agreed on in the first place), then I will be left alone to deal with the consequences, in which case DH will no longer have any say in how "I" raise our son. I think that jogged something in him, and he's been standing beside me on issues since, never contradicting me in front of him.


busymommy2013
by on Jul. 23, 2013 at 2:29 PM
I know she's not my daughter, but his daughter. I still do have to stay home with her durning the day and when he's out of town. (I work nights). So if he's not helping with her behavior, I do think that I have a say in this situation. Maybe I should tell him that he needs to find a sitter for her if he's going to condone her behavior.. I wouldn't do that, but it would make a good point.


Quoting Reina13:

Vent away! You are definitely dealing with stuff with your SD and your DH as well. He really does need to get on the same page as you, or at least put some rules into place.

Good luck mama, I hope this is a temporary thing for you and it all works out. 

Quoting busymommy2013:

Holy moley! That was a long rant! Sorry, this question totally brought on a vent session.





Quoting busymommy2013:

We pretty much agree, but he has a problem with follow through. Also, my step children's mother is a mess, her house is chaos, violent, the kids do run wild, and the house is unsanitary .... my SS doesn't ever want to go to his moms because of it, and SD likes to go over there only if she doesn't get her way over here. Over there, she runs the show. She can have quite the entitled attitude. My husband used to work on keeping her additude in line. Custody is joint. Now, he will not discipline her when she gets out of line. He let's her verbally abuse me and gets upset with me when she yells at me and I put her in time out in her room. His reasoning? He wants to make it as fun over here as it can be so that she won't want to go to her mother's when she doesn't get her way over here. As of lately, BM never calls to get her children on her days, so the kids pretty much live here full time while she collects welfare for them, by saying that she has them more than 51% of the time. By my husband being so lax on her behavior, he is creating a monster. I'm sorry, I may not be her mother, but I believe I do have a say when she is being rude and cruel to me. I am an adult, and her step parent who puts the clothes on her back, food in her stomach, and toys in her room. She should not be treating me like that. Yesterday, it was so bad that that I was going to send her to her moms since she was constantly yelling and screaming at me. Time out doesn't work anymore, I can't spank her, and her dad tells me to relax and that I should make it fun for her. I try to make it fun for her but the minute I say no to ice cream for breakfast, I am the enemy and she let's it be known! I will not reward that kind of behavior. Once she went to the swimming pool just about a month ago with our neighbor. One of her other friends showed up and she left with her friend without saying anything!y husband found her walking down the street on the other side of town headed to her moms for a slumber party! We found out because the neighbors came to our house looking scared out of their minds to tell us that our daughter had up and dissapeared from the pool and their daughter told them she left with a friend. Evidently her mother made plans with her and not my DH for his daughter to go to her house and we were never told about it. It was also our day. So we have a vanished child somewhere in town durning harvest season ( the most dangerous time of year). My husband caught up with her and allowed her to finish walking to her mothers with her friend, but followed them until the baseball field, which is 3 blocks from her mothers house. He told her to go straight to her mothers house and that he would be calling her mother to let her know what went on, and he did. 2 hours later, her mother calls all frantic because her daughter wasn't home yet. Evidently, the girls had found a group of boys at the field and "hung out with them". She was supposed to be in serious trouble. BM said she was going to send her friend home and my step daughter would be grounded. None if this happened, so we planned on grounding her when she came back 2 days later. That day came around, and DH decided that he would just have a talk with her instead. Taking off in announced is a huge deal and this isn't the first time she's done it. She should have been grounded for a long time, but instead, I see it happening again in the near future...




Reina13
by Bronze Member on Jul. 23, 2013 at 2:33 PM
1 mom liked this

She is your step daughter and when she is in your home, she should be subject to the same rules and consequences as everyone else. I understand him wanting her to enjoy being at your house, but that shouldn't trump good behavior. He really does need to have a sit down with her and lay some ground rules.

I think what you said about a babysitter makes a good point. Like you said, you wouldn't do it, but maybe it will give him something to think about. 

Quoting busymommy2013:

I know she's not my daughter, but his daughter. I still do have to stay home with her durning the day and when he's out of town. (I work nights). So if he's not helping with her behavior, I do think that I have a say in this situation. Maybe I should tell him that he needs to find a sitter for her if he's going to condone her behavior.. I wouldn't do that, but it would make a good point.


Quoting Reina13:

Vent away! You are definitely dealing with stuff with your SD and your DH as well. He really does need to get on the same page as you, or at least put some rules into place.

Good luck mama, I hope this is a temporary thing for you and it all works out. 

Quoting busymommy2013:

Holy moley! That was a long rant! Sorry, this question totally brought on a vent session.





Quoting busymommy2013:

We pretty much agree, but he has a problem with follow through. Also, my step children's mother is a mess, her house is chaos, violent, the kids do run wild, and the house is unsanitary .... my SS doesn't ever want to go to his moms because of it, and SD likes to go over there only if she doesn't get her way over here. Over there, she runs the show. She can have quite the entitled attitude. My husband used to work on keeping her additude in line. Custody is joint. Now, he will not discipline her when she gets out of line. He let's her verbally abuse me and gets upset with me when she yells at me and I put her in time out in her room. His reasoning? He wants to make it as fun over here as it can be so that she won't want to go to her mother's when she doesn't get her way over here. As of lately, BM never calls to get her children on her days, so the kids pretty much live here full time while she collects welfare for them, by saying that she has them more than 51% of the time. By my husband being so lax on her behavior, he is creating a monster. I'm sorry, I may not be her mother, but I believe I do have a say when she is being rude and cruel to me. I am an adult, and her step parent who puts the clothes on her back, food in her stomach, and toys in her room. She should not be treating me like that. Yesterday, it was so bad that that I was going to send her to her moms since she was constantly yelling and screaming at me. Time out doesn't work anymore, I can't spank her, and her dad tells me to relax and that I should make it fun for her. I try to make it fun for her but the minute I say no to ice cream for breakfast, I am the enemy and she let's it be known! I will not reward that kind of behavior. Once she went to the swimming pool just about a month ago with our neighbor. One of her other friends showed up and she left with her friend without saying anything!y husband found her walking down the street on the other side of town headed to her moms for a slumber party! We found out because the neighbors came to our house looking scared out of their minds to tell us that our daughter had up and dissapeared from the pool and their daughter told them she left with a friend. Evidently her mother made plans with her and not my DH for his daughter to go to her house and we were never told about it. It was also our day. So we have a vanished child somewhere in town durning harvest season ( the most dangerous time of year). My husband caught up with her and allowed her to finish walking to her mothers with her friend, but followed them until the baseball field, which is 3 blocks from her mothers house. He told her to go straight to her mothers house and that he would be calling her mother to let her know what went on, and he did. 2 hours later, her mother calls all frantic because her daughter wasn't home yet. Evidently, the girls had found a group of boys at the field and "hung out with them". She was supposed to be in serious trouble. BM said she was going to send her friend home and my step daughter would be grounded. None if this happened, so we planned on grounding her when she came back 2 days later. That day came around, and DH decided that he would just have a talk with her instead. Taking off in announced is a huge deal and this isn't the first time she's done it. She should have been grounded for a long time, but instead, I see it happening again in the near future...





hockey21
by on Jul. 23, 2013 at 2:48 PM

my husband and I are on the same page when it comes to our 2yr old daughter, although she trys to play the 'daddy-card' he dont give in, my husband has a 1percent edge on me in somethings, I will give her a little more 'playtime' as to he will have her 'learn' things ..but...we share the upraising responsibilities...

Basherte
by Bronze Member on Jul. 23, 2013 at 4:00 PM

No it isn't. Have you sat him down and told him this? That these rules that you have you came up with together. That it wasn't just you that came up with them. Then discuss why and how much he would like to change them, then decide if they should be.

Quoting Reina13:

I absolutely agree with  you. We don't discuss it in front of them, that we do privately, but he really does need to back me up the way he used to.

We came up with the rules and consequences together, with the agreement that we would back each other up. Now he is flipping the script on me and that is not going to be good for our kid in the long run. 

Quoting Basherte:

Me and my husband are on the same paragraph when it comes to the way we are raising our son.

We back each other up no matter what in front of our son.

Consistency is key. Period. No matter what the rules are or aren't.

The kids have to be getting the same thing from both parents.



CafeMom Tickers
Janet
by Ruby Member on Jul. 23, 2013 at 4:36 PM

We don't always agree.

Basherte
by Bronze Member on Jul. 24, 2013 at 6:52 AM

I have a question I didn't think of yesterday. 

Has anything happened recently? Anything that would explain the sudden change in how he wants you guys to raise your children?

Are the children at an age where they would understand that certain things are only allowed at certain times? (I'm not sure if that makes sense?)

My son used to fight sitting down at a table and eating a meal here at the house. (MY fault) At preschool, he sits down fine to eat a snack. (He's started eating his meals at his table for me no problem recently. It took a few meals to get him to do so, but it's worked out)


Just my thought rambling around.

Quoting Reina13:

I absolutely agree with  you. We don't discuss it in front of them, that we do privately, but he really does need to back me up the way he used to.

We came up with the rules and consequences together, with the agreement that we would back each other up. Now he is flipping the script on me and that is not going to be good for our kid in the long run. 

Quoting Basherte:

Me and my husband are on the same paragraph when it comes to the way we are raising our son.

We back each other up no matter what in front of our son.

Consistency is key. Period. No matter what the rules are or aren't.

The kids have to be getting the same thing from both parents.



CafeMom Tickers
ilovemykids732
by on Jul. 24, 2013 at 7:07 AM
We're on the same page all the way :-)
Reina13
by Bronze Member on Jul. 24, 2013 at 8:40 AM

He is almost 9 so he is defitely able to understand. Honestly, I think that because he is getting older my DH thinks that we could loosen the reigns a little. Had we talked about it and come up with a plan, I would have been fine with it. But the constant seemingly undermining me of the rules is really starting to grate on my nerves.

Quoting Basherte:

I have a question I didn't think of yesterday. 

Has anything happened recently? Anything that would explain the sudden change in how he wants you guys to raise your children?

Are the children at an age where they would understand that certain things are only allowed at certain times? (I'm not sure if that makes sense?)

My son used to fight sitting down at a table and eating a meal here at the house. (MY fault) At preschool, he sits down fine to eat a snack. (He's started eating his meals at his table for me no problem recently. It took a few meals to get him to do so, but it's worked out)


Just my thought rambling around.

Quoting Reina13:

I absolutely agree with  you. We don't discuss it in front of them, that we do privately, but he really does need to back me up the way he used to.

We came up with the rules and consequences together, with the agreement that we would back each other up. Now he is flipping the script on me and that is not going to be good for our kid in the long run. 

Quoting Basherte:

Me and my husband are on the same paragraph when it comes to the way we are raising our son.

We back each other up no matter what in front of our son.

Consistency is key. Period. No matter what the rules are or aren't.

The kids have to be getting the same thing from both parents.




kss12
by on Jul. 24, 2013 at 9:29 AM
When it comes to ss we slightly disagree but never argue about it. Typically after I've said something he'll think about it and either half or fully agree with me.
With our ds we are 100% on the same page with everything.
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)