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new stepmom needs advice?

Posted by on Aug. 26, 2013 at 9:07 AM
  • 29 Replies
I am new to the world of step parenting. 3 months ago my dh's 12 year old daughter reached out to him via cellphone. The last time dh saw her she was 3 years old. I'm not going to go into too much detail but I will say dh got into dome trouble. He was put on probation. Her mother took dh back to court to seek out full custody and revoke his visitation. To our surprise the judge granted her full custody and revoked dh's visitation. I know your think he must have done something really bad. Long stoey short dh was convicted as a sex offebder for engaging in sex with his 15 year old girlfriend who protrade herself as a 17 year old.

Well over the years he continued to pay his child support, provide her with health insurance, pay for all after school activities and send her $100 on christmas and her birthday. We put up pictures of her all over the house (mostly baby pictuees and her 2nd and 3rd birthday pics). As our children got older we told them about her and showed them pictues of her. Our plans never weee to exclude her feom our lives. Our doors were always open and our arms were always willing to welcome her.

3 months ago dh got a very surprising phone call from his daughter asking to see him. He picked her up and they went out to lunch. He conveied to me that not much was said. She did however ask to see him again and asked if she could come over for christmas. Dh told her yes of course. There have been quite a few visits since that day.

Dh brought it up to my attention that he is feeling like her reasons for wanting to see him were not to build a relationship, but to use him. Things she say's and does make him feel the relationship they are building are not based on each other but material things and places. For instance she always has to know what they or us are doing before deciding whether or not she wants to tag along, she constantly tries to get dh to buy her things, always claims she's bored if we hang out at the house playing games baking or watching movies, doesn't seem inteeested in getring to know us or dh, she never calls dh between visits, invites her friends to do stuff and says her dh will take them ect.

Dh goes out of his way for her. Calls her at least twice a week, invites her over at least once a week, goes to her ball games, takes her our just the two of them ect. I am trying to be supportive. I don't know what to tell him. Any advice?
by on Aug. 26, 2013 at 9:07 AM
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Replies (1-10):
HIJKLM
by Member on Aug. 26, 2013 at 9:11 AM
1 mom liked this
Ah so this is what they were talking about in the other post. I still think she doesn't know how to connect to him. Like I said, it's easier to take gifts than to make a connection at that age. He needs to put forth more effort. Don't expect her to call since its been two weeks, call her. Invite her to do things that don't cost money and go from there.
Janet
by Ruby Member on Aug. 26, 2013 at 11:04 AM

How old is she?

KW1280
by Member on Aug. 26, 2013 at 11:10 AM
This


Quoting HIJKLM:

Ah so this is what they were talking about in the other post. I still think she doesn't know how to connect to him. Like I said, it's easier to take gifts than to make a connection at that age. He needs to put forth more effort. Don't expect her to call since its been two weeks, call her. Invite her to do things that don't cost money and go from there.

HIJKLM
by Member on Aug. 26, 2013 at 11:41 AM
Her other post said 12

Quoting Janet:

How old is she?

splatz
by Sarah on Aug. 26, 2013 at 3:58 PM
2 moms liked this

That is such a hard spot for you to both be in. I'm glad that he sees that he is being used too though. I'm sure it would be harder if only you saw that. I'm not sure how exactly he can correct the issue without her no longer wanting to come around though. Especially if she is just using him. :(  12 is a tricky age.

I would just keep trying to involve her in things. Like the pp said... invite her to things that do not cost money. 

usndolphin
by on Aug. 26, 2013 at 9:52 PM
3 moms liked this

there are alot of factors going on here. i would really suggest family counseling.  this way all of you can talk openly and freely about your feelings and how you can all connect as a family.  best of luck to you :) 

SlapItHigh
by on Aug. 27, 2013 at 12:18 AM

No experience but I hope the best for you all!

CKADsmom4
by on Aug. 27, 2013 at 9:15 AM
That has to be hard. Maybe she's just nervous around everyone. I wouldn't force a connection, but I would make sure that she understands that you're not going anywhere. It sounds like your man's giving it his all trying to make up for lost time. Your stepdaughter needs to meet him halfway. She's 12 and preteens in general are pretty self-centered. I've been a stepmom since my 9 year old stepsons were 5.
CKADsmom4
by on Aug. 27, 2013 at 9:17 AM
Quoting usndolphin:

there are alot of factors going on here. i would really suggest family counseling.  this way all of you can talk openly and freely about your feelings and how you can all connect as a family.  best of luck to you :) 




This is a very good suggestion too.
Jennyanne322
by Member on Aug. 27, 2013 at 9:22 AM
Has he gone back to court to get set visitation?
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