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Would you be upset or offended?

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My kids are in a local playgroup. It is a pretty decent size and we have all been meeting for about a year. Saturday evening I received a call from one of the moms. She was upset because apparently another mom handed out birthday party invitations for her child to some of the moms. The mom that called me didn't get one and since it was news to me, I obviously didn't get one either.

She was so upset and offended that her daughter didn't get one and expected me to feel the same. While I don't think it was good form to hand out invitations to a select few with uninvited moms/kids there, I don't think she should be obligated to invite everyone if she doesn't want to either.

As an adult, I understand that not everyone is going to be invited to everything all the time. Yes it is disappointing to children but honestly, you cannot shelter children from disappointment their whole lives. That in my opinion leads to entitled children and there are enough entitled children already running around.

Would you be upset or offended if your child was excluded from a party for a child that they had spent every Saturday with for a year? 

Do you think everyone in the playgroup should have been included?

by on Aug. 26, 2013 at 11:47 PM
Replies (21-30):
by Amanda on Aug. 27, 2013 at 1:59 PM
Maybe she had a budget to put into consideration and could only afford so many people coming. Or maybe she just invited the kids her child played with the majority of the time. Who knows? I wouldn't be offended. I would be curious, but not offended...
by on Aug. 27, 2013 at 2:03 PM

I wouldn't be upset or offended at all and I don't think everyone in the play group should have been included.  There are a plethora of reasons that these children were excluded - many of which could have nothing to do with the excluded child themselves.

Maybe for the type of event, the children excluded would've have been as enthusiastic - i.e. swimming party and "Sally" & "Mary" are afraid of the water.  Well it's the bday kids wish to have a pool party - they don't need to accomodate Sally & Mary.

Maybe the bday child's parents had to limit the size due to financial reasons, or because the venue only consists of a limited party size.  Rightfully the bday child should be able to pick who matters most to them to be there.  Or maybe they had to limit it the prior year too - so this year they selected different invitees to spread the sense of goodwill.

Maybe a particular child is a great friend, but in bday situations they're "annoying" or vain.  My daughter has one friend, she likes her and they play well together, but after two years of bday parties in a row this particular child had to be in every picture, had to help blow out the candles, had to help open every present.  Needless to say my daughter didn't want her invited to her subsequent bday parties, yet she still "likes" her as a friend.

Maybe it's a sleep over.  My oldest is 12 - and I could not IMAGINE having a gaggle of screeching girly 12 year olds in my house for an overnight.  I couldn't imagine having more than ONE other 12 year old girl in my house overnight.  LOL.  BUT - if it were my daughter's bday wish to do that for her bday party - I might be able to be convinced, with a max of say 5 girls total.

Maybe the party is planned for a time when they knew certain others in their social group were not goign to be available.  i.e. your friends know that you always go to the shore on Labor Day weekend...

If the parent / child aren't demonstrating any cold-shoulder-ness otherwise, assume positive thoughts and set any hurt feelings aside.  It says more about "you" (figuratively speaking - not OP) than the other child/parent.  ;-)

I know this long, but one last thought... I'd rather my child learn to handle disappointment AS A CHILD and that things like this don't matter, rather than grow up always being satisfied and "included" and then not know how to handle it as an older adolescent/adult.

by on Aug. 27, 2013 at 2:27 PM
I wouldn't be offended. One less thing on my busy calendar.

I'm also very understanding if the fact that a parent that throws a party needs to set limits.

Not a biggie to me.
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by on Aug. 27, 2013 at 2:36 PM

I don't think she had to invite all but handing out invites to some, in front of the kids, is rude.  I wouldn't be upset unless my child's feelings were hurt by perceived rejection.  As an adult, she should have better manners and consideration. 

by Member on Aug. 27, 2013 at 2:39 PM

I'd be upset at her poor lack of judgment.  No, not everyone needs to be invited - that's fine.  What bothers me is that she had the poor taste to hand out these invites in front of others that were not invited in a group setting like that.  She was asking for trouble and bad feelings in my opinion.

by on Aug. 27, 2013 at 2:46 PM
wth?? tell her she will get over it..dam she needs to grow up.
by on Aug. 27, 2013 at 6:04 PM

Last year at dd's bday party I was discreet about invites. I invited her cheer squad, a couple friends from gymnastics, and like two from her class. The school has a rule that invites go to everyone in the class (or if it's a sleepover, every kid of same gender in the class), and I knew I couldn't afford half that. So I invited those kids in her class outside school. I knew one parent, and she knew the parent of the other child, so I contacted them through phone. They did the same for parties and such.

Quoting famiglia_bella:

I don't think she had to invite all but handing out invites to some, in front of the kids, is rude.  I wouldn't be upset unless my child's feelings were hurt by perceived rejection.  As an adult, she should have better manners and consideration. 

by Gold Member on Aug. 27, 2013 at 6:53 PM

If they were passed out in front of the ones that didnt get one then i would have hurt her fellings real fast in front of everyone. Very rude. If she didnt wanna invite everyone then she should have done it in private

by on Aug. 27, 2013 at 7:36 PM

I think I'd be more worried about why my child was left out.  I'd be questioning if this is because the child who the party is for doesn't get along with my child, whether my child is expressing some socially awkward behaviors that is putting the other child off, if this was based on the relationship the child's parent(s) have with the parents of the children that were invited.  This could also simply be that the child wanted to invite everyone but budget constraints mean a smaller guest list and the child picked children he/she felt closer too. Bottom line, it was rude to hand out invitations in view of people who were not invited, but we can't control other people's behavior or account for their manners.  Is this something to be upset about, perhaps the left-out child if they are aware they were left out, but  the parent is old enough to understand that just because you know someone does not always merit you an invite to their private life.  If the left out child is aware they were left out, after soothing hurt feelings, it's a good opportunity to teach about inclusion and treating people as they would like to be treated.

by Bronze Member on Aug. 27, 2013 at 9:27 PM

No, I'd just think they were having a smaller party, or the kid just wasn't as close of a friend to my DD as some of the others are. Not every kid has to be my kid's best friend and my kid isn't the center of the universe. In life, sometimes you're included and sometimes you're not.

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