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Need in-law advice!

Posted by on Aug. 27, 2013 at 1:13 PM
  • 8 Replies

Hi Moms!

I'm just looking for some confirmation that I'm not totally loosing my mind here. My inlaws are visiting from Ireland and staying with my husband and I. We have three girls (twin 6 yr olds and a 2 yr old). I think my in-laws are WAY overstepping their bounds and I don't know how to approach it. They recently confronted me and basically called me a bad wife/mother. I can't tell you how much that upset me....and continues to upset me! I am currently not having the best relationship with my husband. We have had problems for awhile due to his alcoholism. I had tried repeatedly to get him to seek treatment because it has really torn our family apart. But he refuses. My inlaws decided to confront me about why my husband and I don't get along. I tried to calmly explain that I want nothing more than to make things work -- especially in light of us having three beautiful children....but that I just cannot handle him coming home drunk every single day (and in front of our kids who are getting old enough to notice).

Well, my inlaws totally went on the defensive and said that the reason things are not good between us is because I'm not trying hard enough as a wife to make things work. ARGH!! I know that's their son -- and they are going to be behind him because he's family. But, I've explained that I suggested family counseling and even a personal therapist so that my husband could talk about why he drinks so much (since he won't talk to me). But, he won't agree to anything. I'm trying to keep my family together --- and (more immediately) to keep from strangling my visiting in-laws. I just feel like I don't have any support and its making me VERY uncomfortable in my own home at the moment....and I don't know what to do. I think the reason his parents are not concerned about the drinking is because they grew up in a culture where it seemed to be the norm for the men/husbands to drink as much as my husband does. But, I'm American and I can't adapt to him living that lifestyle. Thoughts anyone?

shrugging

by on Aug. 27, 2013 at 1:13 PM
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Replies (1-8):
luvmybug
by Amanda on Aug. 27, 2013 at 1:23 PM
I'm going to be totally honest.1. Yes. They are WAY out of line. It's not just you thinking they are. And 2. You have to seriously consider if you want an active addict in your home, as your other half. Especially if he is refusing to seek help. He needs to figure out how he is justifying drinking so much every day, and then find a network of people to help him change that.
MomOfTwins2
by on Aug. 27, 2013 at 1:28 PM

Thanks Amanda!

I'm not sure that I DO want him to remain my husband. Its a tough call because of the kids. They love their dad so much. But, he does not contribute what he should in our household at all -- and there are definitely days I feel we'd be better off. I guess I might need to make that call before any of this goes further. Thanks so much for your reply!!

wink mini

nymom13
by on Aug. 27, 2013 at 1:33 PM
If he's refusing help, I'd get 4 suitcases packed and be out of there. There's no way I could put up with that. You're giving your marriage your all and your in-laws are way overstepping by making you feel like a horrible wife and mom which I'm sure you're not. They would so be back on a plane to Ireland so fast it would make their heads spin.
splatz
by Sarah on Aug. 27, 2013 at 1:39 PM
1 mom liked this

I understand them wanting to back him as his parents. But, they are really not helping him if they are supporting his alcoholism. In all honestly they are probably making it worse. It sounds like he needs a kick in the butt to get his head and life straight. 

I hope their visit isn't for too much longer! 

silverthreads
by on Aug. 27, 2013 at 1:40 PM

If he will not agree to some counseling you need to do what is best for you and the children.  It is not appropriate or healthy for them to grow up with this stress.  Do the best you can while your in-laws visit, but then suggest counseling again.  Tell him you will make plans to leave if you don't go to counseling together or individually (if that is so).  Then know you have tried everything you could to help the situation and now you will do what is best for your children.  GL  hug 

MomOfTwins2
by on Aug. 27, 2013 at 2:02 PM

OMG - thank you so much everyone! I was really starting to feel crazy because I asked my own mom for advice yesterday ---- and she was siding with my in-laws!! Its insane that people don't see how dysfunctional things have gotten in our home. I feel bad for our daughters because they deserve to be happy and go places with BOTH parents. But, I make sure that I bring them places and play with them and talk to them all the time -- even if I do it alone. This has been going on for years --- and yes if he still refuses counseling - then I'll have to make that hard decision to do it alone. He does love his girls -- I just wish he loved his FAMILY enough to show he wants to be with us. Thanks so much ladies!!

goddess99
by Michelle on Aug. 27, 2013 at 2:52 PM
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I've been down a similar road, if he refuses to get help he will not change. I'd kick him and his family out. Or I'd pack me and the kids and leave. The best thing I ever did was leave dd's biodad and not let him come back.

silverthreads
by on Aug. 27, 2013 at 3:33 PM
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He probably does love his family, but alcoholism is a disease and the body craves the alcohol to the point where the person has no control over it.  It takes counseling and going through withdrawal to change things.  Some people do it to save the marriage and some do not.  Speaking from experience it is such a painful situation.

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