by Kiri Blakeley
Remember the officially worst email that a bride could possibly send to her bridesmaids? How they had to let her know their plans for the next seven months? How they had to be prepared to cough up money for no less than three parties in three different states and not utter one complainy sigh about it? Wellzzzzz, let's just say that bride is suddenly looking rather low-maintenance. Because, yes, folks, another bride on steroids has taken her title of Worst Bride Emailer. Her email(s) is more condescending, more demanding, and most importantly, much, much longer. Check them out.
The emails are too long to render here in their entirety; however, you will quickly get the scary gist of them. They start out:
Welcome to my bridal party. I thought today would be a great day to start this chain, as it is officially six months until my wedding day.
I just wanted to go over some ground rules.
"Ground rules." Ruh-roh.
1. Weigh-ins will begin in 3 weeks. I for one would really like some time after Thanksgiving to make my body forget about what it consumed, so I thought I would give you guys some cushion room.
2. No-one can be skinnier than the bride. That means Kelly and Lizzie will be on a protein weight gainer diet exclusively until May. I will have the nutritionist call you to discuss diet plans.
Anyone still reading needs their head examined. BUT WAIT. This is a JOKE, right? Surely this bride is poking fun of all of those zilla brides who send hopped up on marital fumes emails to their pals? Surely. SHE MUST BE. Soooo ... okay, I'll read a bit more.
3. Bed times leading up to the wedding will be strictly enforced. I absolutely cannot have you all have saggy, baggy eyes. I am sure you all understand.
4. Swimwear attire: I would like everyone to wear matching bikinis that have rhinestones on the tushie spelling out "maids," which brings me to my next point.
5. All bikinis leading up to the wedding must be strapless bandeaus. I cannot have terrible tan lines in strapless dresses.
6. Sunscreen: We need to make sure you ladies look lovely and radiant and not red and reptile like. Pack accordingly.
7. Speeches: We all know what happened at Taylor's wedding. So if you plan to make a toast, please submit it for approval and revision, no later than 4 weeks prior to the wedding.
8. Hair cuts: If you plan on chopping off your locks, please submit your proposed new look prior to any actions (this applies to coloring as well).
9. Attendance: is strongly requested at all events but I will make some exceptions on a case by case basis.
10. Ink: Consider this a moratorium on future tattoos until June 5th. Those of you with visible artwork will be privately contacted with (temporary) removal instructions.
The bride-to-be signs off "just kidding," but then adds the telltale "well, sorta," which lets you know that, well, WTF, she is kidding but NOT REALLY KIDDING.
Even if, at this point, you swallow the idea that this is all one elaborate prank, the bride-to-be sent out no less than five more excruciatingly long and demanding "joke" emails -- calling her bridesmaids "workout bees" and signing it "Queen Bee." The "joke" (??!!) suggestions include that the bridesmaids all send photos of themselves in their dresses -- and be sure to wear Spanx.
I guess it's not entirely surprising that at least one bridesmaid dropped out mid-email chain.
WTF brides. You are getting married. You didn't discover the cure for cancer. Or even smelly feet. Getting married is something that even the most repulsive people on the planet often manage to do.
Being a bridesmaid costs money. Time. Energy. And, frankly, most bridesmaids would rather just stay home, cook, and catch up on sleep. You are not honoring your bridesmaids by asking them to be in your wedding party. They are honoring YOU by agreeing to it.
So if this bride meant all of this as an elaborate joke, the truth is, the joke is on her.
Any wedding party horror stories you'd like to share?
Would you comply with this list if you were in the wedding party?
on Sep. 20, 2013 at 2:31 PM