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Where is my mind?

Posted by on Oct. 14, 2013 at 11:15 PM
  • 6 Replies

   So, this is the first post I've really made in Cafemom... I'll apologize in advance if it ends up being a long rant; though honestly joined to have someone to talk to-so thank you in advance for listening.

   I'm a 23 year old, single mom working full time (and by full time, i mean all the time.. 50-60hrs a week.) and feel like I am at my wits end. I knew things wouldn't be easy as a single mom, but didn't know it would be this hard either.
   I am paid rather well for my age, and from an outsiders perspective you would think I really have my stuff together.. so why is it I can't find happiness with in this new chapter in life? I feel like the more I try to ponder what's going on with me and how to stray from this plateau of negativity I've been stuck on-the worse things get.
   I work in a rather stressful environment, which leaves me feeling mentally drained and just not motivated to deal with much afterwords. I put my daughter in a daycare, which is more like a preschool than a daycare and ever since I've seen a huge change in her as well. Between work, and my baby... I am ready to throw in the towel.
   I've been getting more and more reports from the daycare (they send them home daily to let parents know what the kids do during the day) stating that my daughter has been having a rough time listening at school and I can't help but think it's my fault.
   I took the advice of walking away when I get really angry, and I feel like it's just given my daughter the idea that it's okay to just ignore things that you don't feel like dealing with-like teachers asking you do something. It's not even at school any more though, she's been having a really hard time listening at home too. Things have gotten to the point that I usually cannot get a response from her until I am screaming at the top of my lungs-which is not the relationship I want to have with my child. She has an attitude in her response to everything.. and again I can't help but think it's all my fault... and if I don't correct it now, only god knows how our future years together will be.  So, instead of me losing my cool... I walk away.
    I don't know if it's the stress from my job, being on my own as a young adult, being a single parent... or a combination of all three but I just feel like I'm ready to throw in the towel and just crawl into a hole. I've tried talking to a therapist (I had my entire life until having my daugher... and between work and her, i just don't have the time any more) but don't feel like I really got anywhere... I don't want to be on antidepressants... I just don't know what I can do to shake this. I'm not sure if this post is actually asking for advice... but am sure I'm probably not the only mom to feel the way i do right now... I guess probably was just looking for someone who could relate to hear me out. [disclaimer: apologize for being debbie downer, but again appreciate you all allowing me to vent. :(.]

by on Oct. 14, 2013 at 11:15 PM
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Replies (1-6):
by Michelle on Oct. 15, 2013 at 9:09 AM


Is there anyway you could work less hours?

by Sarah on Oct. 15, 2013 at 9:46 AM
1 mom liked this

Sorry things are rough for you right now. How old is your daughter? 

Honestly it sort of sounds like you just need a break. Is there any way for you to take any vacation time from work? Even if its just a day? You could even leave DD at daycare that day & just take it as a mental health day for YOU. Do what you want & give yourself a chance to de-stress. Its hard when you have to do everything alone & it gets really overwhelming! 

by Bronze Member on Oct. 15, 2013 at 7:27 PM
How old is your daughter? Is there a daycare that would be a little less like school, a home-based one perhaps? Is there any way for you to work fewer hours?
by on Oct. 16, 2013 at 12:37 AM

Hugs mama!!  Sounds like a rough patch.  I hope things get better soon.

by Member on Oct. 16, 2013 at 1:16 AM
It's rough at times, but you can do it:) (hugs) Do you have someone to help you?:)
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by on Oct. 17, 2013 at 12:00 AM
My daughter is 3, she'll be 4 in February. I do hope that her crazy moments are "because she's at that age". I have had her in the daycare for almost a year now, she was at a couple at home centers prior to. She did really well at the at home centers, and they gave her the individual attention I feel like she craves. Though, I kept discovering things that were going on while I was away that I wasn't comfortable with-which prompt me to take her to a center where there are cameras in every room and I can log online at any time from anywhere to check on her (I know I sound a little nuts, but I was feeling helpless.) I've worked almost as often as I do now since I had Sora... and remember when I was a kid I used to think my mom went to work so she didn't have to deal with her kids alone... She already tells me I work too much, and I don't like feeling like I'm neglecting her progression so I wanted to place her somewhere that I figured they would be able to help her while her mind is at its peak during the day and perhaps allow her to be a little more social with kids her age as she was around older kids in all of the other centers she'd been in. She came to me in a very unfortunate manner, yet now that she's in my life I want to try to make the best I can for her. I work for a large bank, selling mortgages. I started almost 4 years ago at an entry level position and have worked my way up to one of the better paid positions in the company in such a short time. When given the job, I cried my eyes out... felt like finally I was being given the break I had worked so hard for my entire life and Sora would never have to struggle the way that I had. Financially, we do well. Though, since I'm primarily commission if I want to make a paycheck I have to put the hours in to be sure everything runs as it should to keep myself consistent. Thankfully, even at 3 years old Sora understands why mommy has to work all of the time. She is more than appreciative of anything we do together or anything she's rewarded... she is always sure to show her gratitude. She and I used to live with my mother when she was first born, as did my older brother.. we moved out on our own (I had been out on my own from 16-18 when i got pregnant) because I couldn't stand all of the chaos in her life people coming and going all the time and I figured she just needed my undivided attention. Eventually after being on our own for awhile I was somehow suckered into letting my brother (who is in and out of jail constantly, like our father.) live with us to try to help him get back on his feet. The same thing that was happening at my moms carried over to my house. That's also the time she started "school". So moving to a new place, again with people coming and going all of the time because of my brother, mommy working late and always stressed out.. and starting at a new daycare all within a few months. Eventually, we moved yet again. We're in a nice home, with just she and I. It's been a few months, and some days are awesome together but others I feel like I dont even know the little girl I'm hanging out with. &I can't help but feel like my crazy is making her crazy. I do believe I have about another week of so available of vacation, and am probably way over due. They have let go of over 14,000 people in the last 3 months.. its already a stressful environment in addition to walking in every day not knowing if its your last day there. I think I am going to apply to go back to school so I can get a degree in midwifery. I am working towards turning things around for myself.. trying to work on me as I'm sure not working things out completely is starting to get the best of me. again apologize for the novel, and appreciate the hugs :):).
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