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HELP need advice!!!

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Hi Parents!

Im in dire need of some advice

My daughter is 5 years old and for some reason she has a fear of my cousins boyfriend. She has known him since she was about a yr old. Shes always been rather strange with him. At the age of 1 alot of kids are shy with people they dont know so nothing came of it. my cousins boyfriend didnt come to every family function and they were always breaking up and getting back together so it wasnt like she saw him that much. But when she did she would hide her face and not look at him or anyone around she started doing this at the age of 2. i would take her in other rooms to get her away from him but she always seemed upset still.. months have passed and she seemed to be over it, she wasnt ever friendly with him she just didnt hide or shy away as much. we my cousin and her bf broke up for awhile so my child did not see him. once they got back toegther it started all over again and now shes 5 and isnt showing signs of getting better. my husband and i have told her not to bring him around my daughter , we had a family party at  my parents house and we wanted to make sure our daughter felt comfortable there so we asked nicely for him not to come to my parents house. my cousin was extremely upset with me that we said something and a huge fight broke out and we havent spoken since (3months its been)

my issue is that my sister (who i am extremely close with) is having her sons(my nephew) 1st bday party this weekend, what am i suppose to do about my 5 yr old? is it wrong that i dont go? my sister understands what we have been going through but i feel bad not attending his 1st party. im not sure if my cousin and her bf are even going but i cant ask her bc its such a sensative situation and we dont speak anymore.

others have said to just leave my 5yr old home with my husband but his issue is that since our youngest seems so upset over this guy that i shouldnt take my oldest (8yrs) around him either. my 8yr old has never been shy of him. she doesnt care about him one way or another.


sooo lost and confused!! please help with any advice.

we have spoken to a therapist but she said it would take along time to figure out what her issuse is with my couins boyfriend.

by on Oct. 27, 2013 at 1:51 PM
Replies (51-59):
by on Oct. 31, 2013 at 12:40 PM

Based on personal experience I would totally believe in your daughter's feelings and watch both of your girls very carefully. I thought I could trust my exhusband (husband at the time) with our daughter while I worked. She was with him all day while I was gone working everyday. That was during the ages of 4 months and about 3 1/2. I found out later not only was he abusive to me but to her as well. I never know because I never saw the signs, of which I wouldn't ignore if I had. I never asked her any specific questions so she would never have never known what I getting at. She gave me a very specific description of what her father had done to her. We immediately left him and he has not seen her since.

I don't want to scare you but you need to take your daughter seriously. She is too young to fully understand what is going on rather than she is scared of something she doesn't understand. My daughter didn't know that what happened to her was wrong. I never would have know if I hadn't asked her a generic question. The only thing I asked her at the age of 4 was whether her father had ever done anything she didn't like.

by on Oct. 31, 2013 at 3:12 PM

 im telling you from my own personal experience keep that man away from your baby something has happened some were i no from one of my kids and thats the exact way   she was acting please if u love her keep her safe away from him

by on Oct. 31, 2013 at 10:09 PM
Exactly. Glad we agree on that. Has OP responded as to what her reasoning is for not asking her dd sooner? Or at least tryin to get to the bottom of it?

Quoting eclaudin:

I completely agree with you here. There needs to be some follow through on the parents' part. If the guy is that much of a creep, I would think the whole extended family would have been attempting to keep him away from their family functions by now. No, you're not being mean at all - you have valid points and questions. If I had any concerns at all that this guy had done or said anything inappropriate with/to my child, it would have been addressed when it began, not years later.

Quoting xxshelbyxxx:

That's what I'm thinking too, as it would be the obvious way to help her dd sort through her feelings. BUT I'm curious why OP HASNT done this exact thing yet. I mean five years of this behavior?? I'll be damned if my child's lived in fear of the same person for five years and I haven't figured out why yet! Or at least have SOME sort of clue! Kwim?

I'm not being an asshole I'm juSt truly honestly confused and curious WHY OP hasn't sat her dd down an asked her these questions. I would've done that, and more, much much sooner than 5 years old.

Quoting eclaudin:

These were my thoughts exactly. I'm not reading any details from the poster indicating how exactly he is weird or creepy. If its just the fact that the child simply doesn't like or jive with this person, the issue needs to be worked through as there will be many more people in her lifetime she will meet that she won't be crazy about. I also wonder why the poster doesn't simply ask, "I have noticed you seem uncomfortable around so-and-so. Can you tell me what it is that upsets you?" It could be something as innocent as he is very tall or reminds her of a scary character in a movie or something, who knows. Rather than asking the cousin not to bring the guy around, maybe the better way would have been to explain to the cousin and boyfriend the situation to see if they were willing to try to help work through this. Any decent person would want to help fix the situation, and if they won't, well then to me that may confirm the child's instincts.

Quoting mommie2madison:

Yikes - I don't know what I would do in that situation myself.  It's easy to *think* you'd handle a situation a certain way - until you find yourself in the same situation.  :-(

Take this with a grain of salt, because it's just my gut talking off the cuff.  I think if I felt fully confident that my child was over-reacting, then I would still expose her to situations where this guy "might" be around.  (The idea being that she has to learn to handle it and avoidance won't give her those coping skills).  BUT - If I had ANY inclination to think there was more to it, I would keep my child away from him at all costs.  I'm assuming there's no reason to suspect this guy of anything bad, but at the same time, kids have intuition too.  

by on Nov. 4, 2013 at 4:42 PM

I definitely agree to keep that man away from your child. It doesn't matter "how long" your child was with him, anything can happen in a matter of minutes with these kind of creeps. A child doesn't develop a fear of a person, like they develop a fear of the boogey man or the strange looking clown. You need to listen to your child at all times. 

by on Nov. 10, 2013 at 9:44 AM
1 mom liked this

Some children don't like the spirit of some adults or they just feel like they look weird and some kids will continue to do this for attention. I think that she should be around him more with her parents so that she can see that he is not a bad guy. Loosing a cuzin over this is stupid and trying to keeps a Child away that has no problem with him can create problems because it's just weird. It's like your catering to much to one child.

by on Nov. 22, 2013 at 11:32 PM

Your husband is right.  Trust his instinct as well as hers.

by Gold Member on Nov. 23, 2013 at 7:08 AM
I'm sorry you went through that. That's terrible.

Quoting mommyof5484:

 im telling you from my own personal experience keep that man away from your baby something has happened some were i no from one of my kids and thats the exact way   she was acting please if u love her keep her safe away from him

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by on Dec. 2, 2013 at 7:39 AM

At this point I think how your cousin feels about the situation is just not that important. She's grown and will get over it. You and your husband have every right to protect your daughter and if that means asking her not to bring him to your home...then so be it. Your child feeling some kind of way around this man is the more important issue. Have you asked her if he has ever done anything inappropriate to her?

I get that you don't want to miss family gatherings and live your life around what they do but getting to the bottom of why your daughter feels so uncomfortable around this man is the main thing that needs to be addressed. All that other stuff is irrelevant right now. I hope like hell that he hasn't done anything to her. I hope things get better.     

Quoting sheather:


my husband and i are both very concerned about whats causing her to act this way. its never been just my daughter and him around alone but he has played with the kids before while we were outside in the summer time. (back when could tolerate him) we always thought that she would eventually get over this but she hasnt and its breaking my heart , not only mine but hers too. i know she wants to play with alll her cousins but shes letting her fears get to her and i feel so bad that theres nothing i can do or say to make her feel any better. my sister sent out evites online and my cousins mom (my aunt) replied to as going. my sister did not have my cousins email but she knows about the party and were not sure if shes going. i havet spoken to her in over 3months now bc of the way my child acts. she gets upset that we ask her not to bring him to our house. so its a very very touchy subject to ask if shes coming and i hate that.l dont want to live my life accoring to what they do and when they will be around the family. my sister understands whats going on and she feels so bad, she wants to see us all go... i just feel so stuck

by on Dec. 2, 2013 at 7:45 AM
Kids pick up on vibes from adults.

It isn't unusual for kids to not like someone just ny those vibes. Throw in the child's parents acting uneasy for years and no wonder she doesn't like him!
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