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Am I really that bad? What would you do? Kind of long.

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Okay my husband and I have been fighting a lot lately.  First let me say that we have two kids DS is 19 months and DD is 5 weeks.  My house gets cluttered I will admit.  I'll let things pile up on our Foosball table for a couple of days before I get around to it.  And no the laundry is never caught up.  I make sure the kitchen gets cleaned and the living room straightened up as much as possible with DS running around.  I make lunch and dinner.  My DS eats cereal for breakfast and DH and I don't really eat breakfast.  Well our arguments have gotten really bad lately like today.  He told me he's tired of coming home to a pigsty (again yes cluttered but nothing bad just kids stuff and DH's things he leaves lying where ever he last used it).  He said it's disrespectful to him and the kids that the place isn't spotless at all times.  Today I hadn't gotten to the kitchen because I've been running around taking care of the kids.  Both are sick, of course that doesn't stop DS from running around and playing.  Well what has me upset and wondering if I'm really as bad as he says is that he threatened to leave today and take the kids.  He said he would leave and I would never be allowed in there lives.  This hurts a lot cause I've already lost one child I couldn't stand to lose another and he knows this.  He says I'm taking advantage of him and not helping out.  He's the one who doesn't want me working.  He says since the house isn't spotless and that I don't cook every meal that I'm not contributing at all.  He says I'm lazy and just lay around all day.  Not true!  I take care of and play with the kids and clean what I can when I can.  I have been running on very little sleep lately because of DD and I'm sick today.  Yet he went off cause the kitchen wasn't clean when he got home from the store.  I had loaded most of the dishwasher and had thrown away all trash.  I was feeding DD when he walked in and he immediately started in yelling saying how could I be so lazy not to get the kitchen done before he got back.  I mean what was I suppose to do?  He acts like I should be able to be in two places at once.  I'm at my wits end.  Any time I say I'm trying about anything his response is "You f****** lying a** b****"  How is that a lie?  I just don't know what to do anymore he makes me feel so worthless sometimes and inadequate.  Yet he has his moments like this morning before he went to the store he went to go get him some coffee.  He came back with his coffee but also a cappuccino for me (love those!!!!) and two red roses and a pink one that he had picked for me while he was walking.  I don't want to leave him but this emotional roller coaster is killing me.  What would you do?

by on Oct. 29, 2013 at 6:30 PM
Replies (11-19):
by on Oct. 30, 2013 at 3:11 PM

He sounds horrid.  Just because he bought you a cappuccino and brought flowers, that in no way overshadows that he yells at you (assuming in front on the kids since you were feeding dd) and calls you names.  That's not healthy for anyone.  He sounds like he is trying to bully you into doing what he wants done.  My go to piece of advice is counseling.  He needs to learn to communicate better and it seems you need someone to assist you in making sure you are heard.  With a 5 week old, it's normal if stuff gets backed up.

by on Oct. 30, 2013 at 3:52 PM

my husbane was the same way he thought my job was easy so i gave him 2 days to do all of the things he was comlpaining about while taking care of our 6 month old. he learned very quickly that sometimes it just don't get all done. he ended up doing it a day and a half before giving up. haven't heard a word since lol

by on Oct. 30, 2013 at 4:16 PM
Your husband is abusing you! Verbal abuse is often worse thAn physical, the bruises left by verbal abuse take much longer to heal and are not seen by others. He needs to treat you and your children with respect. A drink and flowers can not and will not heal the damage he has done. The only person you can change is yourself; if he is not willing to change that is on him! We teach people how to treat us by what we accept from them. Show him you will NOT be verbally abused. Don't teach your children that this is how a husband and wife behave. Seek counseling for yourself and if it is this bad, I personally would leave and take my kids. Praying you find peace clarity and safety.
by on Oct. 30, 2013 at 4:26 PM

It sounds like you both have needs that aren't being met.  You need to talk through them.  Come up with a plan.  He can't discredit what you do or have unreasonable expectations.  You can't be upset that he's entitled to have expectations and there are obviously some key things that matter most to him.  I get the whole sickness thing, but I suspect he has the same complaints even when you & the kids are not sick - possibly even before the 5 week old baby was born?  

Be willing to take a hard look in the mirror and consider if there's anything you can change to improve the situation to collaborate with him on a solution.  But also require that he do the same.  Make rules for "fighting", and hold each other to them.  For example, no name calling, no yelling, no fighting in front of your children (regardless of how old they are - it's not healthy).  

If you have the ability - seek a counselor.  The communication skills they can teach you really make all the difference in a relationship.  It doesn't sound unfixable - but it does sound like you are both feeling tormented right now and if you still love each other, the desire to improve each other's situation should be natural.

by on Oct. 30, 2013 at 4:51 PM

I agree with dh knows better!

by on Oct. 31, 2013 at 5:48 AM
What he's doing is abuse, no doubt at all. Believe it. You children WILL grow up believing it is ok to treat people and/or be treated that way. I left my husband when his verbal abuse got so out of control, I never knew what would piss him off next. We are now separated and trying to work things out but every time he loses his temper and calls me things like "f***ing stupid" it only reassures me that I did the right thing in leaving. Never let anyone treat you like this! so many people feel stuck and like they would be breaking up their family if they left but I guarantee you, it's not worth it to subject yourself and children to this type of horrid emotional abuse. I also thought that b/c I was a sahm and too sick to work that I was completely dependent on him and didn't have the means to leave. There ARE resources out there though, you just have to commit to seeking them out. Sometimes I was denied help b/c he didn't hit us, even the police could not make him leave when I was finally afraid enough of him to call them. He was within his rights, they told me but they did advice me to leave. ds and I now have our own apt and dh is getting help, thank God! Because even if things don't work out for us, he still has a son to raise and be a role model to. My leaving was a reality check for him. It's not easy! And not all men will ever admit fault. but the alternative was not a choice for me. I won't raise my ds in that kind of environment and neither should you. Good luck
by on Oct. 31, 2013 at 6:23 AM
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Either he needs psychological help or you need to get yourself and the kids out of there.

by Member on Nov. 2, 2013 at 2:03 AM

I can relate.  I have the hardest time keeping up.  My boys are 3 and 7.  I get a room done take a short break and start the next.  Before I am even halfway through the first is a mess again.  Laundry never ends.  I haven't had a dryer in almost 3 years and my washer died two months ago so I have to do it all by hand.

 he complains that the house is never clean too/

by on Nov. 2, 2013 at 3:29 AM
I'd, personally would at least separate. I really feel you do not want your children to eventually emulate his verbally abusive behavior.

He can't just " take the kids". It's a cruel but empty threat. The apology of a cappacino and two has station flowers troubling.... That a common abusive tactic to keep you there.

I don't know whT exactly what he is expecting you to do with a lo and a newborn.
You've not had time to get in the new groove.

I guess if you don't want to separate ( and from what you've said here, he doesn't seem like the type to go to counseling...after all it's all your fault it seems.

I'd at least completely STOP picking his crap up, switch to paper plates/ and cups for less clean up.

Play and enjoy your children, they need that, if you can separate laundry by person( or size of person) to at least have a hamper to dig through for him ( what he put in the hamper to be washed ) one for the kids and yours. Screw putting up right now.

YOU Continue to do what is possible for YOU to do ( that is not everything) take time to enjoy your children. If there are no bugs or vermin in the house, I gotta say.... You are FINE! I feel your husband is really overbearing and I really think that just has to be address before this gets really ugly.
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