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Advice, opinions....suggestions please!

Posted by on Nov. 3, 2013 at 10:05 AM
  • 28 Replies

Hi group, 

I have become extremely frustrated with my situation and would like others to shed some light in hopes of finding a good solution. I have a 24 yr old son who lives on his own with his girlfriend who by the way we adore, my son works full time, along with finishing upthe last leg of his degree. With a lot on my sons plate I completely understand he is extremely busy and the opportunity to get together is getting very rare. My main problem is the lack of communication... While I don't expect immediate responses to a voicemail, text ... I think a reasonable amount of time warrants a response back for the respect of the other person. I have gone many days here/there where my son will not respond back. My frustration builds when this happens and I find myself upset with him. Some of these times I have needed an actual answer to something but never receive it. I have explained in a tex message throughout this that I feel disrespected when he does this. I can see people get busy but in my opinion family needs to stay in contact.... He has addressed the fact of this matter and his answer is he just needs to respond back ..... He mentioned that months ago. All I am asking for is a frequent phone conversation to touch base. I will text him asking when a good time to talk is as not to infers with his work,school and he will tell me good times to do so...that time comes/goes with voicemail messages. When we do make actual plans..they 9times out of 10 get cancelled as he will say he forgot about something or someone he had other plans with. I do not want to overwhelm him but just want a relationship with my son. Family has always been important to me and my family....this has only gone on since he moved out in may. He also does this to my 21 year old daughter to reaches out to him frequently. Does anyone have any thoughts on an approach to come to terms with this? Should I begin to discuss with his girlfriend? 

by on Nov. 3, 2013 at 10:05 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Janet
by Ruby Member on Nov. 3, 2013 at 10:51 AM
I would try my best to meet with him face to face and discuss my concerns with him. Maybe invite him and his girlfriend over may help to get him there also. If you do call her it would be just for the invite, not to discuss him. He would more than likely get mad if you did that right now.
goddess99
by Michelle on Nov. 3, 2013 at 12:05 PM
2 moms liked this

Oh please don't drag his girlfriend into it. He's an adult, he has a new life now. He's going to school, works, has a gf, he is just not going to call every day or probably even every week for that matter. This is just something you are going to have to work out on your own because you are the one feeling neglected, not him. I'm sorry and I'm not looking forward to this either but it just happens sometimes.

Picktownmom
by on Nov. 3, 2013 at 6:21 PM
1 mom liked this

Thank you for your suggestions... It helps to get a fresh perspective on the situation. I decided to send my son a message indicating we should make an effort to meet for dinner sometime this week. I know part of this is just normal but on the other hand just want a mutual respect of him returning messages and staying in contact with family. 

clairewait
by Bronze Member on Nov. 3, 2013 at 7:35 PM
1 mom liked this

I'll be honest.

I understand your frustration.

But I'm sort of more empathetic for your son. 

Here's my take. If he had time to talk to you he would. Don't you think? At some point, you just have to let go and wait for him to come back. 

I know I have gone through busy periods where I looked down and when I looked up again 2 weeks had flown by. Balancing school and work is more than a full time job.

I don't know you, so don't take this the wrong way. If you chill out a little, your relationship with your son won't suffer. I might even suggest that the guilt you are (probably) heaping on him (because he's probably struggling every time you call/text and wishing he had time for you) is eventually going to turn to resentment.

Switch to emailing.

Sort emails.

Let him know you love and support him. Then, wait it out.

Claire Wait

My blog: TheUnderToad.com

LeJane
by Member on Nov. 3, 2013 at 10:53 PM

 I am with Claire on this one.  

    It sounds like you are smothering him and living vicariously through him.     He is an adult.   Accept that through time, you will have to let go.   Now would be good.     Start finding joy in new hobbies, crafts and interests.    You need more going on in your life.    Right now you are having unreal expectations that you are going to be this "close" family who will share all of these fun things you envision....   that is your mistake.   When it doesn't happen the way you "plan" you get upset.   It is your expectations which need to change.   Just love them when it works out and don't push things...   Back off and realize it won't be "all of these things you want to happen".

I get it,   I have 3 adult children and we do not live close.    2 of them are 3 and 4 hours away and one is in the Air Force and is stationed  on the East Coast.    We keep in touch through FB or text messages.    

Young men are different than young women.   Do not expect him to want to talk on the phone all of the time and "keep you posted."  Sometimes as mothers we don't know when to stop.   I am guessing some of the things you "needed to know".  Were a need to know for you and not actually a huge priority to him.   

Do not approach the girlfriend over this.    Not good...     Let them be and get busy with more in your life.     "Happiness comes not from hanging on but by letting go." 

   

johnny4ever
by Mrs. Depp on Nov. 4, 2013 at 7:14 AM

Great advice ladies!

MichelleMc
by on Nov. 4, 2013 at 8:41 AM

I so agree with Claire & LeJane. I live close to my mom, and I can blink sometimes & go, omgosh has it been a week or 2 weeks since I even talked to her let alone stopped by? It isn't because I am trying not to see her, it isn't that I am avoiding her, but it happens. I am not even as busy as your son, but life slips away, time slips away. I am sure the reminders of I just want you to respond or be in your life is making it more of a cringe when he gets it & can't go. It could even start to push him more away, because he doesn't want to hear it or get lectured about it. So avoidance is easier. But it could just simply be the same as me. When I am very busy, days slip totally by. TOTALLY. I say I want to do this or I want to go here, but I get no where. 

I am spending time with my husband when he is off, and some would/could say, give up that time. But, that is the time you want to have, with the person you are in a relationship with. So then you try to fit in other things & it doesn't always work. 

I would just send like, a text on Monday. Hope you have a great week. Just wanted you to know I am proud of you & Love you. If you get any time, call or let me know we can meet up. Then let it go. Do it again the next week. Maybe when he sees you are going to let it go, it might be better. 

Not every family is that family dinner on Sunday type & stop by 2-3 times a week, calls, etc. Alot of people that, but it just isn't how it is. 

delanna6two
by Platinum Member on Nov. 4, 2013 at 1:37 PM

 Hugs...hope things will work out..

MistressMinerva
by Jennifer on Nov. 4, 2013 at 1:47 PM

I totally agree with Claire and LeJane

splatz
by Sarah on Nov. 4, 2013 at 2:33 PM

I don't know... I sort of see it from two different ways. Its hard not actually knowing either of you or the whole situation too. Hopefully you don't take any of this offensively. I'm just trying to see from multiple perspectives. 

Could it be that he wants/needs the space away from you & is doing this on purpose? Maybe he just needs some time on his own. Even if you have the best intentions maybe he feels smothered by you contacting him so frequently? It is also totally possible that he doesn't even realize that he is doing this. Lets face it... the male race can be pretty clueless sometimes! 

As far as asking his girlfriend. That really could go two different ways. If he is purposely blowing you off then contacting his girlfriend would make you even more pushy/overbearing. Which could cause him to withdraw even more. But, if he doesn't realize how flaky he is being & isn't doing this intentionally maybe talking to her would help. She may be able to help him realize what hes doing. 


In your position I honestly think I would just try to back off. Even if you are not trying to do so I can see this getting to the point of you being the pesky overbearing parent. As mothers we always have the best intent. But sometimes you just have to give them a little space to be themselves & do it on their own. 


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