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Advice, opinions....suggestions please!

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Hi group, 

I have become extremely frustrated with my situation and would like others to shed some light in hopes of finding a good solution. I have a 24 yr old son who lives on his own with his girlfriend who by the way we adore, my son works full time, along with finishing upthe last leg of his degree. With a lot on my sons plate I completely understand he is extremely busy and the opportunity to get together is getting very rare. My main problem is the lack of communication... While I don't expect immediate responses to a voicemail, text ... I think a reasonable amount of time warrants a response back for the respect of the other person. I have gone many days here/there where my son will not respond back. My frustration builds when this happens and I find myself upset with him. Some of these times I have needed an actual answer to something but never receive it. I have explained in a tex message throughout this that I feel disrespected when he does this. I can see people get busy but in my opinion family needs to stay in contact.... He has addressed the fact of this matter and his answer is he just needs to respond back ..... He mentioned that months ago. All I am asking for is a frequent phone conversation to touch base. I will text him asking when a good time to talk is as not to infers with his work,school and he will tell me good times to do so...that time comes/goes with voicemail messages. When we do make actual plans..they 9times out of 10 get cancelled as he will say he forgot about something or someone he had other plans with. I do not want to overwhelm him but just want a relationship with my son. Family has always been important to me and my family....this has only gone on since he moved out in may. He also does this to my 21 year old daughter to reaches out to him frequently. Does anyone have any thoughts on an approach to come to terms with this? Should I begin to discuss with his girlfriend? 

by on Nov. 3, 2013 at 10:05 AM
Replies (21-28):
Jinxed8
by Silver Member on Nov. 5, 2013 at 11:50 AM

if you can't reach your son, try the girlfriend ...

MinglingMom
by Member on Nov. 5, 2013 at 12:06 PM

Chin up mama. I have been your son in this situation only now I am married (to a guy that travels a lot for work) and we have an almost 1 year old (who keeps me busy especially when daddy is away) plus I work full time so it's much more difficult to keep in touch than when I was in college. It's been a while (at least 2 weeks) since I've talked to my mom and dad and I feel awful about it but I do try and it's easy to lose track of time when you get caught up in life.

It's difficult now but it'll get better and you can work out a system of some sort whether it be the occasional phone call, text or a 2am email. Family is also important to us and we find our ways to make it all work.

Quoting Picktownmom:

I truly want to thank each one of you who responded. I have had this situation on my mind a lot lately and found it affecting my demeanor and overall mood. I have thought about this in depth after reading and decided I need to learn to just "let go". I know my son is in a good place right now with living in a place he loves, has a girlfriend he adores and she adores him, but just busy developing his new life. He is rather busy for the next few months as he finishes up school and is working his tail off at a job he also loves. I do need to back up and be thankful that he is so independent. He has apologized in the past for not contacting me.... My hormones get the better of me sometimes and I need to control that and learn to now live my own life and not through my children any longer. I was so used to being such a huge everyday part of the kids lives that it is hard to let them lead their own. 



Lilypie First Birthday tickers

mommie2madison
by Member on Nov. 5, 2013 at 12:07 PM

Yes - I would reach out to the gf!  Not to guilt her, but make plans with HER (for the two of them) and she'll be able to help keep him on track to live up to the plans made.  Part of what your describing is normal and he does sound like he has a lot on his plate, but on the flip side - we all make time for the people & things that are important to us.  He needs to reinforce to you that you are part of that group.  It takes 2 seconds to respond to a text message, and most people know that if they don't respond when they first see it, they will get caught up doing other things and forget to go back to it.  He needs to own up to his short-comings and do better.  While it's somewhat understandable given everything on his plate right now - that's also how it all "starts" and becomes the new "normal".  Don't accept that!  The distance will just grow more and more if you do.

maribou
by Member on Nov. 5, 2013 at 12:24 PM

My older kids that don't live at home are 25y, 24y, 21y.  There are family times that they are expected to be there.  I always arrange far enough in advance for conflict in schedule to be expressed.  But, the best thing to do is tell him when, where and if he shows up great, if he doesn't, his loss.  My oldest 2 found out I was doing what I was doing and wanted them there, thus I try my best to accommodate.  But, there comes a time when they have to decide that they are going to have a relationship with their family.  Only happened a couple of times when the oldest 2 found out we went ahead with our plans w/o them.  Talk about noses getting bent out of shape.  They don't do that anymore.

Good Luck - 

Kay300
by Member on Nov. 5, 2013 at 2:04 PM

Why don't you just Stop, and wait for him to contact you....  (You have your daughter, and moms and daughters usually stay very close).., its different with a Boy/Man now...  they just aren't usually as close.  Please don't start bugging his girlfriend, or you will really loose in the end.  You bug him too much, so he has no respect to get back with you.  Leave him alone.  -- Let him come to you.  You shouldn't have sent that last text, I really don't think you get it.  I have a friend in your situation and the son and wife, just ignore her calls and text because she's a pain, and I think has slight mental problems.  Get a Hobby or something. My mom and dad have 4 kids, two boys, they don't bother the boys, and the boys make contact or come to their house, when they have time and want to.... --  Your Pressuring your son and Guilt tripping him..... -- I wouldn't take the above advice about talking to him face to face, thats more pressure and complaining/Guilt tripping....    If you get a call or visit, cherish it, make it very enjoyable, then he will want to do it more...

clairewait
by Bronze Member on Nov. 5, 2013 at 2:28 PM
Quoting JannyLynn410:

 I guess I find some of these responses completely different from what I thought. I am 25 and talk to my mom multiple times a day. 

I think the mother/daughter relationship is much different from the mother/son relationship.

I'm like you. I call my mom multiple times a week (not necessarily every day) and check in, but that's because I really like her.

I sort of speak more on my husband's behalf, and I speak on my brother-in-law's behalf. Both have super overbearing mothers. Both have moms who would like daily (if not more) contact.

Both HATE the guilt it causes. And it is stress on their marriages (one of which is mine).

My husband works really hard to make a daily connection with ME and our children. If I had to split that equally with his mother, it wouldn't be okay with me.

Call me old fashioned, but again, I take the opinion that it is different for daughters than it is for sons. I tend to cling to that verse (in the New Testament) "For this a man shall leave his father and mother and be united to his wife..." (Matthew 19:5). The responsibilities shift for men. And though they also shift for us as women, many of us continue to draw wisdom from our mothers.

Again, it would be a little weird to me if my husband NEEDED his mom like I need mine. I don't know why. I feel weird admitting it, but that's the truth.


Claire Wait

My blog: TheUnderToad.com

JTE11
by Member on Nov. 5, 2013 at 3:41 PM

I honestly think I'd stop trying to contact him so much. He is trying to set up a new family with his gf, has a job and school, and you are down on his priority list right now, but that's not a bad thing.  I have a brother who is 30 years old and still living at home with no plans to do anything else with his life so I'd say be happy your son has some ambition in life. I absolutely think that trying to force contact or force him (or the gf) into contact is not going to make either of them want to stay in touch any more. It will probably make them start to avoid you. I'd say only call him when you absolutely need to, and if he doesn't get back to you right away let it go. Invite him to gatherings and things but don't expect them to show up or get upset when they don't. He has his own life now and is obviously immersed in it. Let him have it, try to relax about having to talk to him, and maybe at a later date he will re-prioritize extended family relations. But right now he has to focs on his primary family.

momtodab
by Member on Nov. 8, 2013 at 9:22 PM
Well I'm not sure at all what to say but I'm 25 with 3 kids and s husband and at least when email with my mom daily and we see each other every week. She lives fairly close but it takes effort on both our parts to make it happen. Even when I Lived 9 hours away at talked daily. Both my parents learned to text just for that reason
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