Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Mom to Mom Mom to Mom

On fence about marriage

Posted by on Nov. 29, 2013 at 1:46 PM
  • 14 Replies
Hi everyone - I need some advice and I know there is no clear cut answer but I guess I need to vent. I have an almost 7 month old daughter and have been married for 9 months. I got pregnant very early on in the relationship and because we both did want marriage and children in general, we chose to marry. I got pregnant 4 months into our relationship. The past year n a half or so has been ridden with great times - including the birth of our amazing daughter...and horrible times. I feel like I have a best friend and enemy in one. I do not feel as if my feelings are validated, I feel like maybe there are parts of him that don't want me to shine or have any attention. For example when I was pregnant and working and tired...he was working and tired too. Like implying it was the same or takig away from what i was going through. Or recently I got a bad cold and he suddenly was sick too...competition kinda? He can be mean and hit below the belt when fighting and has hurt me a lot with his words. So whats good? He's a good dad, does show his love and affection in his own way and does seem to support dreams and aspirations of mine. I guess what I'm getting at is - to all the married folk out there -- is having such a duality normal? I have heard both sides. Like u can't expect ur significant other to be everything - that's why u need other people n I've heard that its not normal or good. I know in my head what I want marriage to be but am uncertain if I am being too idealic. Like unsure I'm ready to leave or dissolve our family right now but I do feel like I'm pulling away emotionally. I've tried to talk to him but he gets defensive or I feel gives me lip service telling me what I want to hear just so we move on. He is a forget things n keep them in the past and I'm a person that needs real resolution before I do that. I am deeper I guess. I'm into fitness and eating healthy and he really isn't...we tried therapy but I've gotten so angry in there at him and his denial that I've been unable to continue. Please help. Is there anything to even save or should I go on with my life and move on?
by on Nov. 29, 2013 at 1:46 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
johnny4ever
by Mrs. Depp on Nov. 29, 2013 at 2:55 PM

SO sorry.My hubby at times says things below the belt but apologizes after ALWAYS.You guys really need to sit down and have a chat...he can't just brush everything under the rug then you will grow to resent him.Sorry to hear Therapy hasn't worked.I have never gotten into a situation where we needed Therapy.Sounds like you have already decided but just haven't said it out loud.

amberNewman0213
by Member on Nov. 29, 2013 at 3:02 PM
Sounds like the marriage itself was for the wrong reasons. I made the mistake of me being pregnant being more of a reason to get married than the love itself. We seperated a few times befor our one year wedding anniversary and by the second wedding anniversary we was seperated for good and filed divorce. I've moved on and am much happier than I ever was in my past realationships or my failed marriage. I feel like when your content with marriage your settling. I refused to settle and now I'm actually happy in my relationship.
clairewait
by Member on Nov. 29, 2013 at 3:06 PM

I think there's something worth saving here.

Go to counseling. Fight for the two of you. Sounds like he has a lot of changing to do and it sounds like both of you could use a safe place to learn how to communicate without becoming defensive.

I say fight for your marriage.

Claire Wait

My blog: TheUnderToad.com

goddess99
by Michelle on Nov. 29, 2013 at 4:47 PM

I'm a believer in marriage. I feel like if there has been no infidelity and no physical abuse the issues can be worked out. No marriage is perfect and no person is perfect, it's about trying your best, accepting people for who they are, living, learning, and loving. I wish you both the very best. I hope everything works out.

MichelleMc
by on Nov. 29, 2013 at 8:09 PM
2 moms liked this

I have been married for over 17 years. We were very young when we got married & then add in military, you have alot there, LOL

There are a lot of things that I am hearing that are "normal" and a lot of things that I am seeing from both sides that are just "young" ( not matter the age ). Like you are into fitness & eating healthy & he isn't. So? He doesn't need to be into it. You go for it & he doesn't need to. You trying to put it on him, will just make it a sore spot for him. If it isn't his issue he wants to deal with, it won't go over well. I lost 60 pounds, I changed my life. I work out, I drink only water. My husband does neither of these things. That is okay, he doesnt' have to for me to. 

You said that he supports dreams & aspirations of yours. That is great. 

Now, when it comes to fighting, sadly, he may also feel you have done the same, and you may not feel you have. But everyones "below the belt" is different. He may say things as a defense, not making it right. You also need to see what is helping set off the fights, are they things that are "battles to fight". Are they just out of frustration you are "starting". Or he is starting, you need to see where the fights are stemming from, honestly see. Sometimes, out of frustration of something else, being human, we can start a fight for some other reason. Try to never let the fight last long. Try to honestly talk it out & through it. 

Men in general are babies when it comes to being sick. They are also not always the "care takers". So if you got sick, and didn't say please help with x,y,z, he might not. But when he got sick, guys just tend to say they want help, LOL. It is nature with most people I have talked to for years. It is the common joke that when the man gets sick, it is like another kid. And yes, they do tend to seem to get sick when you are. lol. 

Think of your best friend growing up. Did you fight with them? Were their times you were just on the outs? It does work the same sometimes with your husband. I know some people will say oh no, that should never happen. But what I mean is, If you two are close, you can also have times where becuase you are close, that you share the best & worst times. Sometimes you have to learn that to roll with it and know that in one sense, it is an "honor" that he is coming to you with it all. LOL. 

People call the first 2 years the "honeymoon years" but when you add in a baby & a small amount of time before you got married, it makes it a little different. I really would work through it. I am not really hearing things that I would say get out now/right away. 


Jaimegurl23
by Member on Nov. 30, 2013 at 12:05 AM
Wow ladies thank u. I am so grateful for this group n your replies. It's so confusing. He is 'done hearing it' n I feel like he's never heard it/gotten it period. I don't feel validated. I feel everything us twisted on me and there's alot of spite on his end. I am more the outwardly angry person n he is more spitef/passive aggressive. I do think I'm the one that brings up a lot of the issues n maybe even about stupid stuff but I feel it's stemming from a lot of past stuff that hasn't been resolved for me. His motto 'just let it go'. Well it's hard to do that when it's more about the common reactionary thread ur worried about rather than the actual issue. So I hold onto it all which I know isn't healthy but I can't look at him without thinking about how bad he's hurt me with things. He makes me feel bad that I'm sensitive or moody...that I should be some easy breezy, opinion less woman. Re: eating n such, I know...would be nice to share in a healthy lifestyle with someone tho. Getting a little disgusted of his late night chocolate binge eating. I also do work on myself spiritually to grow as a person - he kinda looks down on that n doesn't see need for change on his end. So I'm like ok -- what the hell DO we have in common?? We both love being parents. We both love family. We used to enjoy a lot of outdoor activities together but life has gotten monotonous n we don't do much anymore. I guess I'm just really resentful that I feel I do not gave a right to my feelings or he downplays them or 'approves' whether they r legit enough to care about. I want to be with someone I best friends with where we lift each other up and bring out the best in one another. Is it possible to get a good relationship back after so much deep seeded resentment?
3brown1blue
by on Nov. 30, 2013 at 12:59 AM
Marriage = waste of time, waste of money. Marriage is more like ownership for the men.
johnny4ever
by Mrs. Depp on Nov. 30, 2013 at 7:35 AM


Quoting Jaimegurl23:

Wow ladies thank u. I am so grateful for this group n your replies. It's so confusing. He is 'done hearing it' n I feel like he's never heard it/gotten it period. I don't feel validated. I feel everything us twisted on me and there's alot of spite on his end. I am more the outwardly angry person n he is more spitef/passive aggressive. I do think I'm the one that brings up a lot of the issues n maybe even about stupid stuff but I feel it's stemming from a lot of past stuff that hasn't been resolved for me. His motto 'just let it go'. Well it's hard to do that when it's more about the common reactionary thread ur worried about rather than the actual issue. So I hold onto it all which I know isn't healthy but I can't look at him without thinking about how bad he's hurt me with things. He makes me feel bad that I'm sensitive or moody...that I should be some easy breezy, opinion less woman. Re: eating n such, I know...would be nice to share in a healthy lifestyle with someone tho. Getting a little disgusted of his late night chocolate binge eating. I also do work on myself spiritually to grow as a person - he kinda looks down on that n doesn't see need for change on his end. So I'm like ok -- what the hell DO we have in common?? We both love being parents. We both love family. We used to enjoy a lot of outdoor activities together but life has gotten monotonous n we don't do much anymore. I guess I'm just really resentful that I feel I do not gave a right to my feelings or he downplays them or 'approves' whether they r legit enough to care about. I want to be with someone I best friends with where we lift each other up and bring out the best in one another. Is it possible to get a good relationship back after so much deep seeded resentment?

Resentment equalls unhappiness....good luck

MichelleMc
by on Nov. 30, 2013 at 9:18 AM
1 mom liked this

If you are holding on to things, and then bringing them back up. Also, seeing him & remembering, that is not good. You say you are working on yourself spirtually but this goes against all of that. You seem to be saying, you want justification for your feelings. That doesn't always happen, rarely happens. We, as women, are more feelings motivated to begin with. So if you are very feelings motivated, and are always wanting your feelings validated, that isn't always going to happen. Sometimes we aren't right LOL. We sadly also can remember things from  years ago. The thing is, we have to remember that when you are thinking of the thing from 3 months ago, he has NO CLUE that you are thinking of that to fuel your anger or your fight. It is fighting blind. It is fighting unfairly. If you have hashed it out, always bringing it back up, is not only not healthy, it is also hitting below the belt to him. He will never know which fight you are really fighting about. To you, you don't feel you got the right response from him, so you didn't get what you wanted from it, so it isn't over. To him, you guys fought about it, it was said, lets move on. That is normal again. Marriage is work, no matter what you might see or think, marriage is always work. It is always give & take. And while you might see that you are always "giving" and he is always "taking" you have to also think of the actual way people/men & women, think. Also, you need to get some time away from all this I didn't get what I wanted from these fights, He didn't do what exactly I wanted him to, why didn't he see my point all the time thoughts to maybe step back & try. It sound to me like, in a way, it is, therapy isn't working because HE isn't changing. But, what are you changing? Besides spirtually & healthy, what are you changing? Are you letting things go? Are you dropping past fights? Are you fighting fairly about that honest issue at that honest time? Are you setting him up for failure in that fight? ( Like fighting about chocolate binging or you wanting him to change, versus he lied or he honestly did something hurtful )

So he has a chocolate binge at night? It sounds like more jealousy, that you really aren't okay going healthy, and it sucks that he can do it & you "can't". Not everyone that goes healthy, has a partner that does too. It is fine if he doesn't. Doesn't mean you don't have things in common. My husband can sit on the couch eating doritos, that is ok. He has the right to do so. 

Have you tried to set up something to do outdoors? Have you said lets go do something? That just happens. You do things, then you don't. Sometimes you need to just say, lets do this, or I saw this. Make sure it is something he really would enjoy. Like, see if a local state park is having something free you can go do. See what he would like to do. Go do some things. What we used to do & what we do now are different. 

If you are willing to try do work on it. I think that it is for sure worth it. You guys are barely into marriage to even start thinking of seperating. There is so much good there & the bad just doesn't seem so bad honestly. It just seems that there is no give & take. Work on it, but also be willing to change yourself before you can expect him to change. 

Quoting Jaimegurl23:

Wow ladies thank u. I am so grateful for this group n your replies. It's so confusing. He is 'done hearing it' n I feel like he's never heard it/gotten it period. I don't feel validated. I feel everything us twisted on me and there's alot of spite on his end. I am more the outwardly angry person n he is more spitef/passive aggressive. I do think I'm the one that brings up a lot of the issues n maybe even about stupid stuff but I feel it's stemming from a lot of past stuff that hasn't been resolved for me. His motto 'just let it go'. Well it's hard to do that when it's more about the common reactionary thread ur worried about rather than the actual issue. So I hold onto it all which I know isn't healthy but I can't look at him without thinking about how bad he's hurt me with things. He makes me feel bad that I'm sensitive or moody...that I should be some easy breezy, opinion less woman. Re: eating n such, I know...would be nice to share in a healthy lifestyle with someone tho. Getting a little disgusted of his late night chocolate binge eating. I also do work on myself spiritually to grow as a person - he kinda looks down on that n doesn't see need for change on his end. So I'm like ok -- what the hell DO we have in common?? We both love being parents. We both love family. We used to enjoy a lot of outdoor activities together but life has gotten monotonous n we don't do much anymore. I guess I'm just really resentful that I feel I do not gave a right to my feelings or he downplays them or 'approves' whether they r legit enough to care about. I want to be with someone I best friends with where we lift each other up and bring out the best in one another. Is it possible to get a good relationship back after so much deep seeded resentment?


Michelle, Body Combat Addict 
Proud Mom of Jonathan, Army Soldier and Eagle & Vigil Scout
Proud Navy Submarine Vet WifeTo Jake

Join us in the  Pennsylvania Moms group.

La_Vie_en_R0se
by on Nov. 30, 2013 at 10:02 AM
1 mom liked this
Wow. I could have written this post 14 years ago. I got pregnant 3 months into a new relationship, go married when our son was 9 months old. We were in counseling after 4 months being married, and separated after 12 months. For me, we married for the wrong reasons, we were both too young, and by the time he decided that he would try to work at our marriage I had already moved on from the idea of staying together. I had cried, begged, pleaded with him for our entire relationship to work on things and he never did. So I left. I was pregnant, working, and in school full time when we were together. After I had our son, I was finishing my education degree and he was no help at all. I would ask him to be home to take care of our son so I could write a term paper, and he would decide to take off to another state to help someone move furniture. He would be caring for our son when I was studying or writing lessons/papers on the computer in the office, and suddenly my child would be sitting in the room with me, while he was out tinkering in the garage. I just felt like he put everyone else before me and didn't care if I had homework to do, he just refused to help out.

I ended up leaving. My ex-husband and I remain good friends, it has been over 14 years since we separated. He did try to get me to go back at first, but I was just done and I did not believe him when he said he would change.

I would say to make sure you have put 100% into the relationship before ending it. For a long time I had doubts about if I should have tried to make it work, and that is not a fun thing to live with. Put 100% in, and if you are still unhappy, then consider leaving, that way you can do it without regrets.

Good luck! By the way, I am now married to my second husband of 11 years. We have ups and downs too, but he is "in it" 100%.
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)