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Am I a bad mom for saying yes to this?!

Posted by on Dec. 9, 2013 at 10:15 AM
  • 98 Replies

So.. dh and I have been together for a little more than 3 years. When he and I started dating I was living with my parents with my two dds. They are now 6 and 9. They took to dh very quickly, and he fell in love with them as well. Fast forward to a few weeks ago. My oldest dd came home from her dads (they have different dads, long story) and mentioned that she wanted to live there. She only goes over there every other weekend, and just recently hasnt been left at a sitter on his weekend. He has a gf, she doesnt live with him and he doesnt have any other kids. My dd gets to do pretty much what she wants. There arent really any rules, he doesnt think kids need structure. I think she wants to live there because its always a good time when shes there. She is the only kid, and she isnt "competing" for attention. Her dads gf is awesome, and dd apparently wants to call her mom.. (im not sure where that came from, but she does call dh dad)

so.. the question i have is do you think that a 9 year old really knows what she wants, and where she wants to live? Am I a terrible mom for letting her move in with her dad and his gf full time? I dont want to keep her at my house if shes unhappy, but im worried that she thinks the grass is greener, and I dont want her upset if its not all gumdrops and sprinkles when she is there all the time. 

Im also worried (i know its lame) about what my family will think of me for letting her live with her dad. He is fully capable of raising a child, he doesnt parent the way I do, but he isnt putting her in harms way either. She has obviously lived with me her whole life (her dad and i split when she was just 13 months old).

What would you do?? 

EDIT: 12/10

I have read so many great points! I appreciate all of the feedback, this has been my most successful post yet!! 

I have read lots of moms saying that dd wants to be able to do whatever she wants, and i sort of think that too, but i also know she isnt a bad kid. She doesnt have the same strictness, as in an early bedtime, or any type of routine when she is with her dad, but then again, he only gets her every other weekend. I dont know how fair it is to assume he wouldnt change that. 

He has already mentioned that he wouldnt tell her she cant live with him, but that he would change her schools. His gf works in the school district that he would move her to, and he would do that so she could take dd to school.

Ive also read that moms would be afraid of this backfiring and id lose custody of her. Id like to mention that dd's father and I have been good friends since before we started dating.. that was back in 2001. I doubt things would go badly, but I plan on taking the precautions to prevent it.

Again, thank you to all the moms who have been very helpful. I will be talking to dh about this situation more in detail, and bringing up the points I have been told.

by on Dec. 9, 2013 at 10:15 AM
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Replies (1-10):
johnny4ever
by Mrs. Depp on Dec. 9, 2013 at 10:20 AM
3 moms liked this

Tread lightly..I am dismayed there aren't any rules there.I bet there will be if she moves in though.

Proud2bamomma
by on Dec. 9, 2013 at 10:26 AM

He does have some rules, but he doesnt have structure like we do at our house. We have a strict bedtime of 830. They cant watch movies/tv that arent age appropriate. They arent allowed to play video games for hours on end. They both have a ds. At her dads house he lets her play xbox and watch shows like the walking dead.. not my idea of great parenting, but he says there isnt anything wrong with it. Also, I know she goes there on the weekend, and doesnt get a shower at all. I dont know if thats because shes only there two nights, or because he is too lazy to make sure she does it.. 

Quoting johnny4ever:

Tread lightly..I am dismayed there aren't any rules there.I bet there will be if she moves in though.


johnny4ever
by Mrs. Depp on Dec. 9, 2013 at 10:49 AM


Quoting Proud2bamomma:

He does have some rules, but he doesnt have structure like we do at our house. We have a strict bedtime of 830. They cant watch movies/tv that arent age appropriate. They arent allowed to play video games for hours on end. They both have a ds. At her dads house he lets her play xbox and watch shows like the walking dead.. not my idea of great parenting, but he says there isnt anything wrong with it. Also, I know she goes there on the weekend, and doesnt get a shower at all. I dont know if thats because shes only there two nights, or because he is too lazy to make sure she does it.. 

Quoting johnny4ever:

Tread lightly..I am dismayed there aren't any rules there.I bet there will be if she moves in though.


Does he want more time with the kids?

MistressMinerva
by Jennifer on Dec. 9, 2013 at 11:51 AM
1 mom liked this

Maybe let her go and let her see if she will really likes it there full time. If not I'm sure you would let her come back.

Pink.Frosting
by Member on Dec. 9, 2013 at 11:52 AM
2 moms liked this

I don't think it's ever a good idea to send a kid to live somewhere where there are no rules and they can do whatever they want. 

goddess99
by Michelle on Dec. 9, 2013 at 12:14 PM
1 mom liked this

No way, she just wants to do whatever she wants. This wouldn't even be up for debate.

jaytee
by Member on Dec. 9, 2013 at 12:17 PM
No rules would mean that she would stay at my house if I were in this situation.
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MichelleMc
by on Dec. 9, 2013 at 1:55 PM
5 moms liked this

This is a hard one because it just seems like there is just more strictness at one place versus the other, not exactly no rules. My friends that refused to let their kids go with their dad, it bite them in the behind. If you say he is caring & a good dad, just the rules are different (  not what you would do or follow ) then I would actually let her try it. Let her know that it would be on a trial basis maybe. Grades aren't going to drop or things like that. Talk to the father. Make sure that some things are taken care of like, grades will be done, and that showers will be gotten ( though her not getting one over a weekend while hanging out isn't really that big of a deal, but just something you could bring up that she might pull it over his eyes, bring it up that way ). 

Unless they have to get up extremely early 8:30 seems really early for a 9 year old ( and I was a strict/bedtime parent ) and The Walking dead doesn't seem so bad either so I don't see his rules being so bad. I don't agree with video games for hours on end if they are addicted. Meaning if they can't do other things, if that is all they do, and can't get out & socialize, so discuss that with him. Since they were just coming over for a while, might be why.

What others think, oh don't worry about that. If she started to really act out, defy you or push limits because she felt you didn't even discuss this or give it any thought, they would think something else. People do no matter what. 

Jinxed8
by Silver Member on Dec. 9, 2013 at 2:42 PM
1 mom liked this

my answer would be a flat out No.  It is totally a grass is greener deal.   It's all fun and games because she goes there 1 weekend out of 2 which, let's face it is NOTHING.  (Same as my DD who's 10 and custody with XH)  9 is not an age to make decisions on her own, sorry.   At 12, she can decide, or flip flop between the 2 houses.

I know personally my DD does and says whatever she thinks her dad wants to hear.  But she's always happy to come home.  I personally know she would be miserable if she lived there long term.  Because the situation is similar (left with sitters all weekend, little to no rules, left to her own demise, late bedtime etc)  I asked her one time what she would do If I left on vacation for 3 weeks without her (which her dad does every year) and she told me "Don't EVER do that to me" 

johnny4ever
by Mrs. Depp on Dec. 9, 2013 at 3:08 PM
2 moms liked this


Quoting goddess99:

No way, she just wants to do whatever she wants. This wouldn't even be up for debate.

Oh yes!Love that reply.

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