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Am I a bad mom for saying yes to this?!

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So.. dh and I have been together for a little more than 3 years. When he and I started dating I was living with my parents with my two dds. They are now 6 and 9. They took to dh very quickly, and he fell in love with them as well. Fast forward to a few weeks ago. My oldest dd came home from her dads (they have different dads, long story) and mentioned that she wanted to live there. She only goes over there every other weekend, and just recently hasnt been left at a sitter on his weekend. He has a gf, she doesnt live with him and he doesnt have any other kids. My dd gets to do pretty much what she wants. There arent really any rules, he doesnt think kids need structure. I think she wants to live there because its always a good time when shes there. She is the only kid, and she isnt "competing" for attention. Her dads gf is awesome, and dd apparently wants to call her mom.. (im not sure where that came from, but she does call dh dad)

so.. the question i have is do you think that a 9 year old really knows what she wants, and where she wants to live? Am I a terrible mom for letting her move in with her dad and his gf full time? I dont want to keep her at my house if shes unhappy, but im worried that she thinks the grass is greener, and I dont want her upset if its not all gumdrops and sprinkles when she is there all the time. 

Im also worried (i know its lame) about what my family will think of me for letting her live with her dad. He is fully capable of raising a child, he doesnt parent the way I do, but he isnt putting her in harms way either. She has obviously lived with me her whole life (her dad and i split when she was just 13 months old).

What would you do?? 

EDIT: 12/10

I have read so many great points! I appreciate all of the feedback, this has been my most successful post yet!! 

I have read lots of moms saying that dd wants to be able to do whatever she wants, and i sort of think that too, but i also know she isnt a bad kid. She doesnt have the same strictness, as in an early bedtime, or any type of routine when she is with her dad, but then again, he only gets her every other weekend. I dont know how fair it is to assume he wouldnt change that. 

He has already mentioned that he wouldnt tell her she cant live with him, but that he would change her schools. His gf works in the school district that he would move her to, and he would do that so she could take dd to school.

Ive also read that moms would be afraid of this backfiring and id lose custody of her. Id like to mention that dd's father and I have been good friends since before we started dating.. that was back in 2001. I doubt things would go badly, but I plan on taking the precautions to prevent it.

Again, thank you to all the moms who have been very helpful. I will be talking to dh about this situation more in detail, and bringing up the points I have been told.

by on Dec. 9, 2013 at 10:15 AM
Replies (91-98):
MikeysMom22
by Member on Dec. 17, 2013 at 9:33 PM

I would be sure to discuss all of those things like taking a shower and watching shows that are for people older than she is, what about using the internet, are there any restrictions on that? Doing homework, having friends over etc. etc. When it comes to real life every day things there needs to be some kind of routine and rules no matter whose house she is at Will you still have visitation rights? How often will you get to see her? She is only 9. She is a little girl yet and needs adults to guide her way. 

Proud2bamomma
by Member on Dec. 18, 2013 at 2:55 PM

Other moms have mentioned a "legal age" to choose, but we wouldnt be going through the court process. If and when she decided that she was sure she wanted to live there full time, we might see a judge, but her dad and I are on good terms, have been for the last 10 years. I dont see anything changing in that area.

Quoting pandybear1118:

can't she not choose who she wants to live with until she's 12 legally. i know that that's the law in custody agreements here. maybe you should look into that where you live


Torismom790
by on Feb. 12, 2014 at 10:42 AM

I don't think that makes you a bad mom....things always seem better when you're not there full time. I don't think you would  lose custody...maybe he would ask for shared custody. overall, i think it's great that her father wants her to live with him and the fact that everyone gets along is GREAT! It will be a learning experience for all of you. Best wishes!!

Jinxed8
by Silver Member on Feb. 12, 2014 at 10:57 AM

so whatever happened with this ?? I see the last update / edit dates back from December ?

 

geminipassion
by New Member on Feb. 13, 2014 at 1:01 AM
I bet that lack of structure/rules/ better green grass will rear it's ugly head when she becomes a teenager.Ifchildren lack structure when they are young,they most definitely will not want to abide by boundaries when they are teens.I bet then,he will want to send her back to you.I would let the child and the dad know that we are not going to play the back and forth game.
Proud2bamomma
by Member on Feb. 23, 2014 at 9:42 PM

We are actively discussing options. At this time dd still lives with dh and I. Her father currently lives with his mother, and apparently he will be moving out in the next 3 months. As of now, nothing is set in stone, I have some reservations. Its a process.

Quoting Jinxed8:

so whatever happened with this ?? I see the last update / edit dates back from December ?



Mommy1438
by on Feb. 23, 2014 at 9:47 PM
Yay. No rules!! Enjoy the baby your DD will have by the time she's 13. Or the drug addict you'll have for a DD. It NEVER goes right or even okay when kids have no rules. They need and (unconsciously) desire them. Having none means you don't give two ****s about the child, their welfare, or preparing them for real life. I would never let my DD go live there unless the court ordered it!!!! 9yos? She doesn't know anything yet.
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Proud2bamomma
by Member on Feb. 27, 2014 at 3:29 PM

OK, I get your point, but I think I mustve made it seem worse than it would actually be. Dd is a good kid, she knows right from wrong, and doesnt have so many "rules" as she has expectations. Her dad doesnt have the same expectations as dh and I. For example, he doesnt monitor her tv shows, how often she watches tv, or plays on video games/tablet. We have limits and certain things are not allowed to be watched or played at my house. She has a strict bedtime at home, and he lets her make her own. He doesnt have a routine or any schedule because he thinks that his work schedule, which is sporatic, works for her. 

Quoting Mommy1438: Yay. No rules!! Enjoy the baby your DD will have by the time she's 13. Or the drug addict you'll have for a DD. It NEVER goes right or even okay when kids have no rules. They need and (unconsciously) desire them. Having none means you don't give two ****s about the child, their welfare, or preparing them for real life. I would never let my DD go live there unless the court ordered it!!!! 9yos? She doesn't know anything yet.


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