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Advise Needed! Helping my children grieve the loss of their father.

Posted by on Jan. 13, 2014 at 10:41 AM
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I am new to this site and could really use some advise. Recently,  my children, 6 and 10, lost their biological father due to mental health issues. He and I were on stable terms, but not bad. They had little contact with him, however when they did see him, they enjoyed and loved their time together. He passed away almost one month ago. I just wnat to know what else I can be doing to make sure they know they know it is alright to grieve and be sad .

Thanks for any feedback. I really appreciate it!

by on Jan. 13, 2014 at 10:41 AM
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Replies (1-10):
the_mama_life
by on Jan. 13, 2014 at 11:50 AM
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((Hugs)) that has to be a tough situation to deal with. I would suggest making sure both their teachers at school know the situation in case something comes up during school. You could also talk to the school social worker about the situation as she/he will likely have a slew of resources both in school and in your local community. Talking with their Dr. Can also help and you could likely get a good recommendation for a therapist. Play therapy is a great way for kids to work through grief. You could also look into music therapy. The most important thing is going to be you being open and there for them when they need to talk or are upset. You can also look for resources at your local library. Joining a support group for kids who have lost parents might be another good idea. You know your children best so the course of action should be based on what you know of your children's age personality and coping skills.

Hope this has helped give you some ideas on finding some support for you and your kids.
delanna6two
by Platinum Member on Jan. 13, 2014 at 11:50 AM
1 mom liked this

Hugs....continue to give them time to get through this and just be there for them in support, comfort and love and if they need to talk...

Pammi86
by Pamela on Jan. 13, 2014 at 12:47 PM

I am sorry you and your children are dealing with this. I think letting them know that is ok to communicate about this is a big help! Getting it out is ok!

Mena929
by Member on Jan. 13, 2014 at 12:50 PM

I am so sorry for your loss. Do you have them in any type of counseling? That would be a good place to start.

johnny4ever
by Mrs. Depp on Jan. 13, 2014 at 12:52 PM

SO sorry.There are some great books out their for children to read about losing loved ones.

KenneMaw
by Member on Jan. 13, 2014 at 12:53 PM
1 mom liked this

I am so very sorry for your loss.    You just need to be patient.   If they seem to withdraw or be overly sad/depressed, etc... I would be sure to talk to them about what they are feeling.  I would allow them to talk about their father as much as they want or as little.  Kids are so strong and resilient.  I can tell you that Fathers Day will be rough.  My Dad died in the month of April and when I saw the father's day cards in June, I had to leave the store to go out to my car and cry.   It is weird things that may set them off.  Also, if he has a gravesite, ask them if they want to visit or plant a tree or do something nice in his memory.   

goddess99
by Michelle on Jan. 13, 2014 at 1:04 PM

I'm sorry for your loss. Just be there for them, talk to them and tell them it's ok to cry and be sad, talk about him if they want to.

MistressMinerva
by Jennifer on Jan. 13, 2014 at 1:52 PM

What she said.

Quoting the_mama_life: ((Hugs)) that has to be a tough situation to deal with. I would suggest making sure both their teachers at school know the situation in case something comes up during school. You could also talk to the school social worker about the situation as she/he will likely have a slew of resources both in school and in your local community. Talking with their Dr. Can also help and you could likely get a good recommendation for a therapist. Play therapy is a great way for kids to work through grief. You could also look into music therapy. The most important thing is going to be you being open and there for them when they need to talk or are upset. You can also look for resources at your local library. Joining a support group for kids who have lost parents might be another good idea. You know your children best so the course of action should be based on what you know of your children's age personality and coping skills.

Hope this has helped give you some ideas on finding some support for you and your kids.


Jinxed8
by Silver Member on Jan. 13, 2014 at 2:05 PM

I'm going to sound harsh here but :  I would count my lucky stars that you had major custody and not him.  That way even though they lost their bio dad, you have been the predominant parent for years he was not their day- to -day care giver, (or this is what I deduct from what you wrote)   I would seek counceling to make sure how to deal with this.  

Sometimes the idea that he has passed away is worst then if he would have just walked out of their life ; example DD's bio dad has 4 days per month of custody (1 weekend out of 2) .   Last summer he took off on vacation (for 3 weeks) 3 days prior to one of his weekend and came back right after what should have been his weekend he therefore did not see DD for 6 weeks.  But because he was "out of the country" DD made a thing of it, he called one night and DD cried after saying that she missed him while under normal conditions she barely wants to go to his house.  To prove my point, he came back from his holidays and the first weekend DD went, she called me 24 hours later to come pick her up, she was DONE she didn't want to be there no more (yet she missed so much she cried 2 weeks prior) .   Then a couple weeks later was 4th of July.  We had friends come for the long weekend, DD was supposed to be at her dad's so I text him and asked if we could switch weekends. He agreed.  by skipping a weekend, means she didn't see her dad for a month !  But she didn't bat an eye because he wasn't "gone away"  

mindful23
by on Jan. 14, 2014 at 12:19 AM
She has stated that when the children were with their bio dad, they enjoyed their time with him. Thats still being a loving father to his kids. He had mental issues to cope with as well. To have a great relationship with his children, he would have to be focused and in a good state of mind to do so. Which i think this mom would make sure of.

It is going to be a tough journey for this mom to deal with her childrens grief of losing their bio dad. Its obvious he was'nt a well man.




Quoting Jinxed8:

I'm going to sound harsh here but :  I would count my lucky stars that you had major custody and not him.  That way even though they lost their bio dad, you have been the predominant parent for years he was not their day- to -day care giver, (or this is what I deduct from what you wrote)   I would seek counceling to make sure how to deal with this.  


Sometimes the idea that he has passed away is worst then if he would have just walked out of their life ; example DD's bio dad has 4 days per month of custody (1 weekend out of 2) .   Last summer he took off on vacation (for 3 weeks) 3 days prior to one of his weekend and came back right after what should have been his weekend he therefore did not see DD for 6 weeks.  But because he was "out of the country" DD made a thing of it, he called one night and DD cried after saying that she missed him while under normal conditions she barely wants to go to his house.  To prove my point, he came back from his holidays and the first weekend DD went, she called me 24 hours later to come pick her up, she was DONE she didn't want to be there no more (yet she missed so much she cried 2 weeks prior) .   Then a couple weeks later was 4th of July.  We had friends come for the long weekend, DD was supposed to be at her dad's so I text him and asked if we could switch weekends. He agreed.  by skipping a weekend, means she didn't see her dad for a month !  But she didn't bat an eye because he wasn't "gone away"  

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