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Going through your husband's stuff

Posted by on Jan. 16, 2014 at 8:31 AM
  • 44 Replies
Ok so I am a sometimes insecure BUT very intuitive person and when I "smell" something, I'm going to sniff it out. I went through my husbands stuff although when we were dating (but I was pregnant) and found a LOT of pics of women in bathing suits, naked and porn. Told him I didn't like it and ended up at another time later on snooping again and found him sending it to himself in another account. I flipped out. I was very pregnant and was destroyed. I moved out temporarily. He talked me into coming back and was well aware that if anything was found again, i would leave because he promosed. and months later I found a hard drive of porn that he downloaded after I moved back in eventhough the entire time he was swearing he wasn't doing anything anymore. He basically blames me that if I didn't go through his stuff I wouldn't be in so much pain. If I didn't go through his stuff he wouldnt have been spiteful and kept doing it. I am considering divorce for this and many other reasons. I won't tolerate lying or spiteful actions because that destroys a relationship and I feel it's very much on purpose. Wanted to get your opinion about what his side is. Is it ok to retaliate that way because he didn't like me going through his stuff? I feel like he's telling me I deserve it then? So confused? I know going through people's things isn't right but I feel it doesn't really warrant the lying or continuing these actions because he's pissed....especially when he is being quite different to my face. I feel he allowed us to get married when he knew that would be a deal breaker for me and allowed me to enter into a lie because he knew what he was doing behind my back. And ps its more the sneakiness, lying and spite that is a deal beaker than really what this is all about. It's about him not taking my feelings or me seriously.
by on Jan. 16, 2014 at 8:31 AM
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Replies (1-10):
ahlannasmomm792
by on Jan. 16, 2014 at 8:40 AM
Is it only porn or pics of people he knows as well?
Jaimegurl23
by Member on Jan. 16, 2014 at 9:12 AM
Some were just models and others were I guess people he dated or was in contact with in the past. Some things he forwarded himself were match.com 'matches' from when he used to be on. Why save them?? He gave me such lanes excuses
goddess99
by Michelle on Jan. 16, 2014 at 9:13 AM
2 moms liked this

I wouldn't divorce over pics but like you said there's much more to it. I would want to get help working through his dishonestly. The fact that he's blaming you for his actions tells me that will be a long hard road because he doesn't want to change.

notjstanothrmom
by Member on Jan. 16, 2014 at 9:32 AM
3 moms liked this

After you expressed your feelings on the matter and he chose to ask for you back and then you found it again, that's direct disrespect for your feelings. That is not a relationship. He's doing something that hurts you. 

I think if the issues are really big than maybe divorce is the right thing. If you're unsure in your feelings or think there is a way to remedy it, than maybe you should try couples therapy together.

Good luck!

Jaimegurl23
by Member on Jan. 16, 2014 at 9:36 AM
That's what I'm saying. It's more about his response to it all. He's blaming me for finding his shady actions. Oh I'm sorry I caught u? If you promise something, then break the promise and lie to someone, how is it their fault? If I kept snooping and there was nothing to find then I'd feel like an idiot but I keep finding stuff! I don't feel valued because he knew he could lose me if he messed up again and he rolled the dice and did it anyway - not only with pics but with the movies so to me - that was blatantly like 'I don't care what u feel about these things. I will tell u what u want to ur face and do what I want behind ur back'. He's a very good liar - very believable
Jennyanne322
by Member on Jan. 16, 2014 at 9:37 AM
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You want to divorce because you are insecure and can't handle him watching or having porn? That is so stupid.
Dee0886
by New Member on Jan. 16, 2014 at 9:42 AM
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I don't think someone should be doing anything sexually related that their spouse doesn't feel comfortale with. I don't care if it's porn or whatever. If you don't like it, he shouldn't do it. It's extremely disrespectful and the fact that he's blaming you for snooping and finding stuff..um no. There shouldn't be anything to find.

Dee0886
by New Member on Jan. 16, 2014 at 9:46 AM
1 mom liked this

That's such BS. Just because you're ok with your husband or whoever doing it doesn't mean other women have to be ok with it. If she's expressed that she's uncomfortable, that should be more than enough reason for him not to do it. It's disrespectful to her. I don't care if my dh looked at that stuff but that doesn't mean other women have to be ok with it or they're insecure. Anything sexually related that one spouse is doing that causes that kind of discomfort to the other, shouldn't be done.

Quoting Jennyanne322: You want to divorce because you are insecure and can't handle him watching or having porn? That is so stupid.


schatzi869
by Member on Jan. 16, 2014 at 9:53 AM
2 moms liked this
You married him knowing that he liked porn. He isn't making you watch it with him and it isn't harming either of you. Well, it hurt your feelings because you're insecure...but...if you weren't so darn nosey and acting like a child going through other peoples things, you wouldn't have found it and wouldn't have your feelings hurt. I don't see how he has any trust in you seeing as how you continuously go through his things. I suppose you'll say you don't have trust in him either for having porn when he knows how you feel about it. I guess the only advice I have for you is to stop being a snoop and you'll stop finding things to be butthurt about.
DanaG70
by Silver Member on Jan. 16, 2014 at 10:00 AM
1 mom liked this

Why are you even with somebody that you can't or WON'T trust? The fact that you feel you need to go through his stuff all the time is a sure sign there is a trust issue on your part. 


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