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Going through your husband's stuff

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Ok so I am a sometimes insecure BUT very intuitive person and when I "smell" something, I'm going to sniff it out. I went through my husbands stuff although when we were dating (but I was pregnant) and found a LOT of pics of women in bathing suits, naked and porn. Told him I didn't like it and ended up at another time later on snooping again and found him sending it to himself in another account. I flipped out. I was very pregnant and was destroyed. I moved out temporarily. He talked me into coming back and was well aware that if anything was found again, i would leave because he promosed. and months later I found a hard drive of porn that he downloaded after I moved back in eventhough the entire time he was swearing he wasn't doing anything anymore. He basically blames me that if I didn't go through his stuff I wouldn't be in so much pain. If I didn't go through his stuff he wouldnt have been spiteful and kept doing it. I am considering divorce for this and many other reasons. I won't tolerate lying or spiteful actions because that destroys a relationship and I feel it's very much on purpose. Wanted to get your opinion about what his side is. Is it ok to retaliate that way because he didn't like me going through his stuff? I feel like he's telling me I deserve it then? So confused? I know going through people's things isn't right but I feel it doesn't really warrant the lying or continuing these actions because he's pissed....especially when he is being quite different to my face. I feel he allowed us to get married when he knew that would be a deal breaker for me and allowed me to enter into a lie because he knew what he was doing behind my back. And ps its more the sneakiness, lying and spite that is a deal beaker than really what this is all about. It's about him not taking my feelings or me seriously.
by on Jan. 16, 2014 at 8:31 AM
Replies (41-44):
schatzi869
by Member on Jan. 18, 2014 at 8:29 AM
No, she does not. There should be enough trust in the relationship that she doesn't feel the need to constantly snoop. I have never once felt the need to go through my husband's things. I respect him more than that and I trust him. If you don't have trust and can't (or won't) build that trust, then you shouldn't be with that person. Looking at porn is disrespectful to her? Okay, sure...but her snooping through his things is disrespectful as well. If he had gone through her things many of these ladies would be telling her to leave him for not respecting her privacy.

Quoting mindful23: She has every right to go through her husbands stuff. Why should couples hide anything from each other in the first. Wheres the family loyalty in that. That is totally disrespectful to his pregnant wife. So what of it if shes sensitive. She has every right to be upset.



Quoting schatzi869: You married him knowing that he liked porn. He isn't making you watch it with him and it isn't harming either of you. Well, it hurt your feelings because you're insecure...but...if you weren't so darn nosey and acting like a child going through other peoples things, you wouldn't have found it and wouldn't have your feelings hurt. I don't see how he has any trust in you seeing as how you continuously go through his things. I suppose you'll say you don't have trust in him either for having porn when he knows how you feel about it. I guess the only advice I have for you is to stop being a snoop and you'll stop finding things to be butthurt about.
Janet
by Ruby Member on Jan. 18, 2014 at 1:25 PM

It sounds like he has an addiction and needs help. I would talk to him about getting help for it. He is just turning it around and putting the blame on you!

ABCMomma0211
by on Jan. 19, 2014 at 1:34 AM

Okay, 

First off, I agree that lying should be a deal breaker. 

But from going through this myself, don't let it stress you out.

Get some help, and don't divorce. 

I don't like porn, I can't stand it at all!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My husband knows it, lied about it for a while, and then came clean. Now we just joke about him looking at it. 

And most men look at it, it doesn't matter how much you beg him not to, and he says he doesn't...or how much sex you give hime.

ABCMomma0211
by on Jan. 19, 2014 at 1:39 AM

pfft...i go through my husbands things all the time, and if i want to then i will....i don't care if he gets mad....i pay for his phone bill, it's in my name, and he uses MY computers....

but with that being said, he knows i go through his stuff, and he doesn't give a dick  if i do because he has nothing to hide.

Quoting schatzi869: No, she does not. There should be enough trust in the relationship that she doesn't feel the need to constantly snoop. I have never once felt the need to go through my husband's things. I respect him more than that and I trust him. If you don't have trust and can't (or won't) build that trust, then you shouldn't be with that person. Looking at porn is disrespectful to her? Okay, sure...but her snooping through his things is disrespectful as well. If he had gone through her things many of these ladies would be telling her to leave him for not respecting her privacy.

Quoting mindful23: She has every right to go through her husbands stuff. Why should couples hide anything from each other in the first. Wheres the family loyalty in that. That is totally disrespectful to his pregnant wife. So what of it if shes sensitive. She has every right to be upset.



Quoting schatzi869: You married him knowing that he liked porn. He isn't making you watch it with him and it isn't harming either of you. Well, it hurt your feelings because you're insecure...but...if you weren't so darn nosey and acting like a child going through other peoples things, you wouldn't have found it and wouldn't have your feelings hurt. I don't see how he has any trust in you seeing as how you continuously go through his things. I suppose you'll say you don't have trust in him either for having porn when he knows how you feel about it. I guess the only advice I have for you is to stop being a snoop and you'll stop finding things to be butthurt about.


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