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Need advice,relationship is in a rut.please help.

Posted by on Jan. 16, 2014 at 8:30 PM
  • 10 Replies

Hello:) My name is Tish, im 25, from Oklahoma, i have 4 kids from previous relationships, almost a year ago i met RJ, we met online and started talking on the phone,text,skype, etc. quickly fell in love. We have been together since may and living together since july. Everything was perfect for awhile and although im still in the first stage, wanting affection and closeness, it seems hes not and it hurts,i thought i could ignore it until last night when i couldnt stop from crying. I couldnt tell you the last time we held hands,cuddled, have no clue when he last touched my arm or back just cause. Weve kissed maybe twice in the past week. The only time we get close or touch is when we get sexual. Its like we're just roommates, ive tried talking to him about it and he told me hed work on it,its only gotten worse. idk what to do, it hurts i feel like he doesnt want me, or something. and i dont wanna push the issue anymore cause i want him to WANT to be close to me and not just because i say something. I guess im coming here today for some advice. any?  idk i just cant keep hurting, cant keep hiding the tears. One other thing, a few months ago i accidentaly came across an email of his that lead me to a dating site and he had sent messages to girls after we got together!i was hurt, cried for days but idk how to bring it up without everything falling apart, i deleted all his accounts on dating sites that i found on his laptop but im terrified he'll do it again. Also i seen in our phone he had texted an ex and another girl on halloween night while i was taking the kids trick or treating. I was in a rut and made the decision to change and treat him better and do better at making him happy, i thought if i just did that then it would kinda fix itself but im constantly scared hes gonna look for someone else or contact an ex or just isnt happy. I thought it would be selfish to bring it up cause it will end up hurting both of us in order to make me feel better.idk what to do about it though, i thought he would be the one man thats different from all my past bf's i believed hed never do anything like that to hurt me, now my whole image of him is distorted. How do i forgive and forget? i just wish i never knew. My heart hurts so bad.

by on Jan. 16, 2014 at 8:30 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Pammi86
by on Jan. 16, 2014 at 8:34 PM

I think if you have found things online there is a good chance he has been unfaithful and much as I hate to say this! Especially if he seems to not give affection anymore. You deserve better! Talk to him and tell him he needs to be completely honest. Its up to you what you want to do but I have seen this. I can not say oh hes cheating but he does has the classic signs. I am sorry bc I know you do not want to hear this! *hugs*

TishMarie88
by on Jan. 16, 2014 at 8:43 PM

i know he hasnt physically cheated cuz he hasnt went anywhere with out me, we are together 24/7 plus he moved 3hrs away from his home to live with me, i kinda hinted to it by asking him to promise hell never try to look for someone online and he promised and said "i wouldnt do that cause when someone does that its pretty much over i would break it off first", since then i havent came across anything in the history on our computers or anything so i honestly think its stopped i just cant stop worrying and thinking about it. Thank you for your advice, ive been through hell and back with guys and im tired of searching,if hes not the one ill be single forever but im still deeply in love with him and willing to do whatever it takes to make us work, he agreed to read and do the love dare book with me so i was gonna see if that helped. ive also been fixing myself up more hoping it would make me more desirable, i just overheard him on the phone earlier in our room talking to an old friend telling him how amazing i was and stuff like that...i just dont understand.

Pammi86
by on Jan. 16, 2014 at 8:47 PM

If you know he has not physically cheated thats good! But talking to girls online is still emotional cheating and make it clear that it is NOT allowed! Trying to fix yourself up is a nice gesture but at this point you have been together long enough that he needs to be happy with you! But it is nice and maybe a nice night at home alone or out where you can put a little extra time into everything would be good! I would try that and def tell him your concern. And do not give up! There's someone perfect for you! Maybe its him maybe its not but I hope its what you want!

Quoting TishMarie88:

i know he hasnt physically cheated cuz he hasnt went anywhere with out me, we are together 24/7 plus he moved 3hrs away from his home to live with me, i kinda hinted to it by asking him to promise hell never try to look for someone online and he promised and said "i wouldnt do that cause when someone does that its pretty much over i would break it off first", since then i havent came across anything in the history on our computers or anything so i honestly think its stopped i just cant stop worrying and thinking about it. Thank you for your advice, ive been through hell and back with guys and im tired of searching,if hes not the one ill be single forever but im still deeply in love with him and willing to do whatever it takes to make us work, he agreed to read and do the love dare book with me so i was gonna see if that helped. ive also been fixing myself up more hoping it would make me more desirable, i just overheard him on the phone earlier in our room talking to an old friend telling him how amazing i was and stuff like that...i just dont understand.


TishMarie88
by on Jan. 16, 2014 at 8:53 PM

thats good advice, thank you, i might try that, idk if it will work i had tried already but i just want him to WANT to touch me and be close to me,he seems not to want to right now.

goddess99
by Michelle on Jan. 17, 2014 at 9:10 AM

 Reading this all I see are red flags. Sorry!! Everything moved pretty quickly especially since there's kids involved, and he's clearly not done scouting around.

Jinxed8
by Silver Member on Jan. 17, 2014 at 9:18 AM

I see red flags as well.  The indifference towards you so soon in the relationship is not a good sign, sorry sweety I would rethink the whole situation.

tsdaughe
by on Jan. 17, 2014 at 9:23 AM

There are way too many red flags too early in this relationship. I would cut my losses and leave. You have been together 8  months? You are young and believe me I have made mistakes but this is a prime reason you do not move in with someone so fast. If you want to make it work ( against all the red flags) one thing to realize it relationships go up and down. Affection comes and goes especially as people get comfortable with eachother. It is normal to see sex, etc. taper off. Your relationships turns from the newness and lust to being comfortable with eachother and moving to a different side of the relationship. But only being together as long as you have, it is all too soon for these issues to be coming up. You can't change him. He has to want to change.

supercarp
by on Jan. 17, 2014 at 12:26 PM

You moved in together after being together only 2 months. When you do that you risk losing the ability to learn more about the other person. Relationships tend to get "stuck" at the point where you start having sex and they don't get any deeper.

Cut bait and leave. You can't fix it. He's not the one.

K.T.love
by on Jan. 17, 2014 at 8:16 PM

you should be totallly up front and honest about it, ask what's on your mind. Some of the stuff you said about the on-line dating sites and the text messages might be true about the fact he might be cheating or maybe there's another side to the story. I know a friend who forgot her on line dating profile and it happens to send her emails, luckly she told her boyfriend the truth up front and he was ok with it as long as she didnt actually go on the site. You shouldn't be crying and he shouldn't be this way espically with your kids around not cool. You shouldn't cry or be stressed its not good for your health. I think maybe take a break from him you deserve better or maybe couples therapy. I wish you luck

Linda92silva
by on Jan. 17, 2014 at 9:53 PM

I think the stuff you found online is not the only stuff out there. I am not trying to cut deeper into your wounds but i don't believe he is being faithful. Why didn't he go trick or treating with you and the kiddos? That's one of the main signs i mean you think he'd want to be out with you guys. Maybe you guys moved too quickly you know? I mean you started dating in May and you're already living together in July? Did you bring all 4 children to live with him too? I'm thinking this lifestyle may be a bit much for him to take. I'm also thinking he is too much of a coward to tell you that. So instead he is unfaithful and speaks to other woman behind your back. It sucks he is doing it so openly also it's almost as if he has no shame. To just leave his emails on there in the open for you to see. As if he is saying see what i'm doing to you and you're still here....When you told him he needed to change and he didn't you stayed. Now you've shown him that he doesn't have to change in order for you to stay. I'm so sorry you are going through this your heart is being toyed with and it doesn't feel good i know. This is your chance to move on with your life and stop having false hopes that he will change. He sounds extremely immature and doesn't seem like he wants to change his ways or he would. You owe it to yourself and your kids to not let a manchild such as himself in their lives. If he neglects you then he sure will do the same to your kids. I think this is something you need to really talk about with him. Give him your heart and soul one last chance possibly to either straighten up or you're going to move on without him. Those seem to be your only options. To be honest i am a strong woman and i would NEVER put up with that shit. For christ sake you have 4 kids to take care of you don't need a fifth. You should never feel like you need to check up on your man or like he is being unfaithful. No one deserves to be treated this way i'm sure your one heck of a woman. You have to build the confidence to be confident with yourself. If things turn sour he will most likely try to break you. He will most likely try to turn it around and make it your fault somehow. Hang in there girly!!! We are all here for you if you need someone to cry to. Just make sure you make the right decision not only for you but for your babies..... *hugs* 


lots of love<3

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