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I FEEL LIKE I AM GOING TO IMPLODE PLEASE HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted by on Jan. 24, 2014 at 8:33 PM
  • 13 Replies

 Im 24 weeks pregnant and have two kids DD 5 and DS 6. DS has mild aspergers. DH lost his father two weeks ago and he is very depressed and angry. I feel like I have to stay positive all the time for him cause whenever i am not 100% positive he feeds off of it and his mood and attitude turn angry and depressed and it affects the kids. Today I am feeling cranky and tired. And he is at his mom's helping her but he was supposed to go first thing in the morning and instead he wouldnt wake up till 10 and didnt leave till 11 and didnt have time to go get me food and we only have one car so he obviously had the car and I had no milk no cheese no bread and the house is a mess (I am a hoarder and I am working thru the house). and we are supposed to have a weekend for just the two of us DH and I but of cofurse we couldnt find a babysitter because even though I am the first person to watch friends and family's kids nobody wants to return the favor so instead the military is paying for acouples weekend with two nights in a hotel and all meals with my kids included. and our only alone time is during our conferences. We never get time to just the two of us. I am so unbelievably  stressed out about money I lost my job back in December. And we are having money prblems we cant afford our bills and the goal was DH was supposed to have a second job by February but obviously thats not happening yet. He was supposed to get bereavement leave after his dad died but instead he just missed two days of unpaid work. We are so far behind I am scared. And I'm at my wits end. I feel like i'm going to fall apart but i cant afford to. and I cant even cry because then Dh feels bad and starts saying he is a waste of space and a horrible person and it scares me to death his negative attitude because he has gotten to a point in the past where he became suicidal. and i ask everybody what can i do or say to help him. cause I have Aspergers and social issues I am still clueless with. Empathy. I have a hard time being understanding how to act or say to someone who has dealt with such a loss. I DONT KNOW WhAT TO SAY OR DO!!! and the only thing people say is be there for him. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN!! OF COURSE I AM HERE FOR HIM BUT THERE HAS TO BE SOMETHING ELSE TO BE DONE!!! 

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by on Jan. 24, 2014 at 8:33 PM
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Replies (1-10):
mmtosam06
by Bronze Member on Jan. 24, 2014 at 8:55 PM

Hugs I am sorry you're going through this

Charliebaby79
by New Member on Jan. 24, 2014 at 8:55 PM
2 moms liked this

Your DH is grieving in the only way he knows how. He sounds like he may have had some bouts with depression before his father's death. Being there for him is obviously not working, so I would suggest this: Talk to your husband and ask him how you can best be of help to him. Tell him how you feel and don't sugarcoat it. Explain to him that he isn't the only one who lost someone. You all have. Your children lost their grandfather and as a family, you are all feeling the loss. If DH isn't willing to talk, all you can do is keep your distance until he comes around. BTW: it's okay if your children see you grieving the loss of your FIL. It's normal to feel sadness and you feel things more strongly during pregnancy--or not--so let yourself feel it. Men aren't emotional creatures and feelings confuse them. Most men don't know what they're feeling, so just give DH space and let him deal in his own way. 

goddess99
by Michelle on Jan. 24, 2014 at 9:06 PM
2 moms liked this

I'm sorry you're going through all this, I have no advice other than maybe therapy might help your dh. *hugs

angl_gurl1
by Member on Jan. 24, 2014 at 9:22 PM

i know its hard but first thing is u need to try to calm down, the stress is not good for the baby. i know its difficult but the death is something he has to work thru himself. the anger and depression is not directed towards u and the kids personally. just let him know that u are there for him with love and support. let him know that ur there if he wants to talk about it.

momrocks2000
by New Member on Jan. 26, 2014 at 7:47 AM

Hugs.  Saying a prayer for you and your DH.  It is normal for your DH to be down, and sad.  For your DH to be suicidal, not good at all. I'd take your DH to his primary care physician, maybe he needs a sendative to calm him or an anti-depressant to help him with his thoughts.  Is it possible your DH already was depressed, in depression prior to losing his Dad?  This could cause him to be clinically depressed and suicidal (NOT GOOD)...sometimes men need to talk with other men (that have lost someone close), say an older man that your DH is friends with or a minister?  I've done this with my spouse, and it worked wonders.

For you, take it easy.  If you DH has bereavment time, it should be applied to his paycheck.  Didn't your DH tell his employer, he needed so many days off to handle his issues?  I know my company paid me one or two days of bereavement time, and the rest of time, I used my vacation time.  My employer was not too happy that I took 3 or 4 days off of work, although my family needed me, 3 hours away from my employment. 

Take care of yourself. Priority #1.

Kellyjude1
by Member on Jan. 26, 2014 at 11:28 AM
1 mom liked this

I am so sorry for all you are going through. Your husband may need professional help if he has depression. Can he possibly talk to his doctor? or is there any groups of support in your community to help him through with the loss of his father? All you can do is be supportive of him and allow him to open up his feelings if he will to you. It seems from your post everything is so overwhelming with the loss of his dad and also your financial situation. All the stress is just not good for anyone.  Now a days times are just rough. Keeping strong and positive is all you can do but I am sure this is not so easy. If your husband is suicidal then he needs to seek help. You just need to be strong for you children. We are all here for you if you need us.  Hang in there....hugs

achorney
by Member on Jan. 26, 2014 at 1:56 PM

being there for someone often means not doing anything but listening, reassuring them that they are good people, you will help them, this will pass, they're not worthless.

It means just being there... for them. That little extra time it takes to let them clear their feelings, hold their hand, remind them of their own value.

FlutterbyMom3
by on Jan. 26, 2014 at 5:37 PM
I'm sorry, you seem to have your hands full of issues.
Have you considered therapy? For the both of you? It could really help.
dancingthrulife
by Member on Jan. 26, 2014 at 11:00 PM

im sorryfor your dh's lost does he have a bff or a uncle or someone you can talk to..or can talk to him..cause he needs Major help...like right away hun..im not trying to scary you or anything..he seems too depressed to have NO therapy..and for you i;d say you need some therapy for you  too hun..three bbay cooking and you just helped your dh bury his father...plus you have a child w AS and you have it to..not forever..just for a few months..and have your therapist help find you a life coach...you can learn how to be empathy to him and what to say..did you get help w this in your teens or in school?? there are therapists whom specialize in this kind of thing too for as ppl... what do you enjoy doing?? kiting, reading?? find a group though your local library... you need a routine for you..do you work? are the kids in school? if they are in school asll day amd your a sahm than especially important!! good luck...

dancingthrulife
by Member on Jan. 26, 2014 at 11:03 PM

i agree w what you said hun.. but i do think she said they are milarty..they only get so much time..i think..if there is more time..than she needs to get in touch w the contract person her dh  commander has for them.

Quoting momrocks2000:

Hugs.  Saying a prayer for you and your DH.  It is normal for your DH to be down, and sad.  For your DH to be suicidal, not good at all. I'd take your DH to his primary care physician, maybe he needs a sendative to calm him or an anti-depressant to help him with his thoughts.  Is it possible your DH already was depressed, in depression prior to losing his Dad?  This could cause him to be clinically depressed and suicidal (NOT GOOD)...sometimes men need to talk with other men (that have lost someone close), say an older man that your DH is friends with or a minister?  I've done this with my spouse, and it worked wonders.

For you, take it easy.  If you DH has bereavment time, it should be applied to his paycheck.  Didn't your DH tell his employer, he needed so many days off to handle his issues?  I know my company paid me one or two days of bereavement time, and the rest of time, I used my vacation time.  My employer was not too happy that I took 3 or 4 days off of work, although my family needed me, 3 hours away from my employment. 

Take care of yourself. Priority #1.


AMY
BF mama to 4...Ivy-Rose 9 Arwinn 7 Lily-Anna 3 and Clara 17 months old. ~~~~~
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